I might be a bit delusional. Who knows at this point. And, no. Alcohol DIDN'T cause the delusions or paranoia. I drink alcohol, because I'm addicted. Plus, it helps alleviate the paranoia. Not the delusions though. They're here to stay. Anyway, I drink by myself for more than one reason. For one, I have no one else to drink with. Haven't had friends since... O o....Hmmm. I had drug buddies in high school, because I had a car. Since then I've had boyfriends. Well, my ex and I broke up in December 2010, and I've been drinking alone everyday since then. He didn't drink, so I guess I've drank alone for a while. At least he was there. Anyway, now , my surroundings have changed quite a bit. He was helping me with all my living expenses for quite some time even after he moved out. Then he stopped. I went crazy due to stress I guess, and ended up in jail. The charge was dismissed, because I went to the hospital. I lost my apartment, and now I live at home. It hasn't been easy considering we (my family and I) had hardly any contact for two or so years due to my ex. Back to my point, I drink alone, and I prefer it that way, I guess. I don't really know. I guess my concern is my anger. I have drank for quites some time, but I'm getting angry now when I drink. I really start hating people and want revenge on whoever has been following me. Hell, I don't even know who I'm angry with anymore. I'm just not sure what is going on. I think my overall personality has changed. At this point, I'm discouraged. Alcoholism is Hell, and my delusions and paranoia are so frustrating. Alcohol helps me "forget about it " (lol, just reminded me of the Italian mobsters -forget about it...they say that a lot, lol). Don't know where that came from....at all. I know I need to work and go to school. I need to exercise. I need to learn to be happy...everyday. I really wish I had ADHD meds. Anyway, I TRULY know these things, and I'm beginning to try to get better. My point is...I feel stuck. I sleep in order to make it through the day. Then I drink a few or more beers to make it through the night. I don't think there is a cure . I'm not suicidal, but I'm not very hopeful sometimes. People don't know how I think. I don't tell them, because it causes arguments. I wish I could remember what I was about to say in order to end this... so aggravating. Are my delusions the problem or the alcohol? Most AA members would say the alcohol is the source of the problem. Doctors might say the opposite. I say the delusions are a problem, and the alcoholism is ruining my life even if it does help temporarily.