Alcohol is Killing Me, But I Don't Drink

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#1
Not just "What a day!," but "What a weekend!" I don't know what I've posted, but here it is, regardless of whether anyone reads this -- my alcoholic wife has been gone for the past three days. Old thoughts come back, and this really got old years ago.

I may read "Final Exit" some more to rethink the process. Not every day is a good one, but when your spouse continues to "check out," and you watch them stumble and slur...well, that's something that doesn't need to happen.
 

britishbloke

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Not just "What a day!," but "What a weekend!" I don't know what I've posted, but here it is, regardless of whether anyone reads this -- my alcoholic wife has been gone for the past three days. Old thoughts come back, and this really got old years ago.

I may read "Final Exit" some more to rethink the process. Not every day is a good one, but when your spouse continues to "check out," and you watch them stumble and slur...well, that's something that doesn't need to happen.
I'm reading and I just wanted you to know I've read it, you are not alone and we are here for you my friend. *hug
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
So sorry to hear you have to suffer through this, it must be incredibly difficult, you mentioned ''9/11'', was she there when then events unfolded, I read that a lot of people got PTSD due to 9/11. If i'm totally off, i'm sorry, it was just a thought.

I hope today is even just a little better, please know you will always have support here. Good luck and be kind to yourself.
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#6
So sorry to hear you have to suffer through this, it must be incredibly difficult, you mentioned ''9/11'', was she there when then events unfolded, I read that a lot of people got PTSD due to 9/11. If i'm totally off, i'm sorry, it was just a thought.

I hope today is even just a little better, please know you will always have support here. Good luck and be kind to yourself.
BlackOpium - Thanks for your reply. She crossed the Hudson River from NJ that morning, and walked out of Grand Central Station (3 miles north of the Twin Towers) when the first plane hit at 8:46 am.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
Oh dear, that is terrible, she could be traumatised, like clinically from that and have PTSD but i'm not a doctor. Has she ever seen a therapist over what happened on that purely terrifying day? It was bad enough to watch on the news, I cannot even fathom what it must have been like being there. She probably needs therapy and an assessment.

I'm sorry its all falling on top of you, that could definitely be very difficult for you to keep on enduring her behaviour. My advice would be to do what you can to help her such as ask her to go to therapy if she thinks she needs it, or even couples therapy. Support groups could help too and rehabilitation.

I hope she gets the help she needs and deserves, she is likely drinking to drown out the memories and to dull the pain (I feel for you both ) but we all know alcohol is a depressant. She is lucky to have you standing by her. Good luck.
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#8
Oh dear, that is terrible, she could be traumatised, like clinically from that and have PTSD but i'm not a doctor. Has she ever seen a therapist over what happened on that purely terrifying day? It was bad enough to watch on the news, I cannot even fathom what it must have been like being there. She probably needs therapy and an assessment.

I'm sorry its all falling on top of you, that could definitely be very difficult for you to keep on enduring her behaviour. My advice would be to do what you can to help her such as ask her to go to therapy if she thinks she needs it, or even couples therapy. Support groups could help too and rehabilitation.

I hope she gets the help she needs and deserves, she is likely drinking to drown out the memories and to dull the pain (I feel for you both ) but we all know alcohol is a depressant. She is lucky to have you standing by her. Good luck.
Thanks BlackOpium! It's a mess, and if you've ever seen someone have a TBI (not temporary concussion), it typically takes 2-5 years to come to terms with who you have become instead of struggling like hell to get back to being who you were. I think I did quite well, finally accepting it at 2 1/2 years despite the misdiagnosed brain tumor (actually my TBI occurred in the hospital operating room) and the alcohol inside my home. So yes, I am still struggling, despite accepting it.

Footnote: My brain has to now work harder (my analogy to patients is simiilar to an amputee running a mile at the same standard as others), and in the early afternoon I feel like I didn't sleep last night. So when I am exhausted (mentally, not physically) it coincides with excessive alcohol, when my gas tank is empty.
 

Aurelia

🔥 A Fire Inside 🔥
SF Supporter
#9
Not just "What a day!," but "What a weekend!" I don't know what I've posted, but here it is, regardless of whether anyone reads this -- my alcoholic wife has been gone for the past three days. Old thoughts come back, and this really got old years ago.

I may read "Final Exit" some more to rethink the process. Not every day is a good one, but when your spouse continues to "check out," and you watch them stumble and slur...well, that's something that doesn't need to happen.
Damn, I'm sorry. My husband does the same thing (except he's addicted to heroin). He hasn't been gone for as long as three days, apart from the times he got arrested, but I know how you feel. Having to spend the night sleeping alone and wondering if they're okay or even alive. I've had to go through it many times, myself, and my anxiety goes through the roof every time. I'm just sorry and I wish there was something I could do. But I know that, personally, even when thoughts of hurting myself because of it creep in, I feel like I can't until I at least know what happened because what if he's okay?
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#10
Damn, I'm sorry. My husband does the same thing (except he's addicted to heroin). He hasn't been gone for as long as three days, apart from the times he got arrested, but I know how you feel. Having to spend the night sleeping alone and wondering if they're okay or even alive. I've had to go through it many times, myself, and my anxiety goes through the roof every time. I'm just sorry and I wish there was something I could do. But I know that, personally, even when thoughts of hurting myself because of it creep in, I feel like I can't until I at least know what happened because what if he's okay?
Thanks for your response. I think my next statement will be thought by many on this forum, that "nobody knows what I am going through." The load is on my shoulders, and not one person has stepped in to help. I guess it makes more sense why I am here at this suicide forum. I hope things get better for you.
 

Aurelia

🔥 A Fire Inside 🔥
SF Supporter
#11
Thanks for your response. I think my next statement will be thought by many on this forum, that "nobody knows what I am going through." The load is on my shoulders, and not one person has stepped in to help. I guess it makes more sense why I am here at this suicide forum. I hope things get better for you.
It makes you feel alone, for sure. Especially when you don't have anyone to turn to in real life when it happens, which I don't, and I'm guessing you probably don't either if you're here. Just stay alive, though, because addicts do this sort of thing a lot, and usually they end up okay and coming home eventually. And sometimes they might even decide to get help.
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#12
It makes you feel alone, for sure. Especially when you don't have anyone to turn to in real life when it happens, which I don't, and I'm guessing you probably don't either if you're here. Just stay alive, though, because addicts do this sort of thing a lot, and usually they end up okay and coming home eventually. And sometimes they might even decide to get help.
Thank you Aurelia, and for now I am still here dealing with my "situation." Some days are better than others, but I have no idea when sh*t will hit the fan again, so there is always coffee available. Hope you are doing well.
 

Aurelia

🔥 A Fire Inside 🔥
SF Supporter
#13
Thank you Aurelia, and for now I am still here dealing with my "situation." Some days are better than others, but I have no idea when sh*t will hit the fan again, so there is always coffee available. Hope you are doing well.
I think you're doing a great job dealing with it by coming on here, and keeping yourself distracted, and talking to people (at least, online). That's the best thing you can do for yourself right now, and just try to stay as calm as you can. Does she do this sort of thing often or is this the first time she's been gone for a few days?
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#14
Aurelia, thanks for responding. Here is a short tale of woe. We met in Madrid, Spain in February 2004 (2.5 years after her 9/11 experience, and 2 years after abuse from a former partner), and we got to know each other, including hanging out in a pub until 5 am with no inebriation. As soon as we returned to the USA, she was drunk every night for seven years. It finally became intermittent, but when it hits, life is difficult. Here is an example - In 2009 I had a hernia repair surgery. That night she got drunk and couldn't walk, so what did I do? I had to lift her and carry her to the bedroom.

Lots more, but will only share a little bit - this past summer she checked out for 5 days continuously, fell and had an incision along the bridge of the nose, plus a swollen lip. The year before she slipped and fell getting up in the middle of the night. She hit her head on the bedside table, and had two black eyes and a bruise on one side of her face. Who did people think caused these injuries?

Whew! I feel emotionally cranked up, but also know that some people give a damn.
 

Aurelia

🔥 A Fire Inside 🔥
SF Supporter
#15
So this is a 16 year relationship. I can definitely understand why it's difficult for you to let go, despite it sounding quite toxic from what you've described. I've been with my husband for only half that time, and it's very hard for me as well. It sounds like you've been dealing with these behaviors for a very long time, though. And that would probably drive anyone insane eventually. I'm sorry that all of this is happening...but I do care about what you have to say and how you feel. And I can relate to a lot of it.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#16
Thanks BlackOpium! It's a mess, and if you've ever seen someone have a TBI (not temporary concussion), it typically takes 2-5 years to come to terms with who you have become instead of struggling like hell to get back to being who you were. I think I did quite well, finally accepting it at 2 1/2 years despite the misdiagnosed brain tumor (actually my TBI occurred in the hospital operating room) and the alcohol inside my home. So yes, I am still struggling, despite accepting it.

Footnote: My brain has to now work harder (my analogy to patients is simiilar to an amputee running a mile at the same standard as others), and in the early afternoon I feel like I didn't sleep last night. So when I am exhausted (mentally, not physically) it coincides with excessive alcohol, when my gas tank is empty.
You have went through an awful lot, you should be proud of yourself for getting how far as you have. I'm proud of you. Stay strong and keep posting okay? There will always be support and guidance here. Congrats for making it this far, considering what you have been through, that is a great accomplishment.
 

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