Alcoholic Water

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by insanity_is_my_sane, Oct 30, 2006.

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  1. So, last night I stayed the night in a hotel w/ my boyfriend. It was nothing new. We get one every couple of weeks or so to be w/ each other & to get our of our houses. I have all the freedom in the world to do what I want & sleep where I'd like, but b/c he stil lives w/ Mom & Dad, he can't stay at my house. By the way, he's 21. But - parent's house, parent's rules. Right? No matter how old he is, he still has to respect their wants.

    We got some alcohol to relax. He's responsible when it comes to drinking. I wish I could say the same about myself. I drink to my limit & then beyond my limit. I got wasted. After I had been "cut off," I decided to take a shower. My shower, however, turned into a bath. I couldn't stand w/out swaying, so I decided to sit. The water filled the tub fast.

    I got depressed. Really, really depressed. And all I could think about was "how easy it is." Because it's so damn easy to end life. I laid back & closed my eyes. Finally, I submerged myself fulling beneath the water. I took a couple of breaths in & it burned my throat & nose horribly. When I couldn't hold back the coughing, my boyfriend barged into the bathroom. He was flipping out. He pulled me up & told me to, "get out of the bathtub. now!"

    It didn't even phase me. What I did. How he reacted. It didn't bother me one bit. He refused to exit the room until I got out, so I did. When we laid in bed together, all I spoke about was "depressing, hurtful things." I was mean to him, but nothing new there. I'm always heartless & cruel to him when I'm depressed. I don't know why he puts up w/ it. I guess, perhaps, he really does love me? I just question how I feel about him. I treat him no differently than all the previous boyfriends. :sad: I hate myself; I really do.

    That's basically my story. Hope everyone is doing well.

    <3 Amber
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well we all get those urges and thoughts from time to time. I know I do, I go to my favorite national park, which is a canyon. And everytime I look over the edge to enjoy the scence the first thought that comes to my head is "There is no way I could survive this".

    As for you being mean to your Boyfriend... well I don't know why we would do that? I have never had a girlfriend, but that is probably my own fault. Anyway, it happens sometimes we need another person to take our rage out on. It must be nice to have someone you can trust like that.
     
  3. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    Maybe because he's someone who cares about you and would be hurt if you were to leave you push him away from you whenever you feel depressed so that you could be alone and not feel others would be as impacted by you doing the sort of stuff you started to in the bath. Not sure really, and i mean you do this all subconciously of course. I hope you don't push him away from you too hard though, it does sound like he cares about you quite a bit.
     
  4. He does. And, you understand me well. I do push people away that really care about me. I don't want people to be hurt by my selfish actions. IDK. I just feel like, if I'm so mean to them, they'll hate me & then, when I end my life, they'll be okay w/ it.

    <3 Amber
     
  5. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    But they are the people that want to help you and will if you let them. Pushing them away from you will only make it harder on yourself...
     
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