Alcoholism
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I wish I knew.
Alcohol usually sucks.
I don't drink often, but I felt depressed, so I stole lots of my dad's scotch, then filled it with water to make it look like I didn't take any. But it just hurt my stomach a lot..
And when I confronted my dad about his habits, he loudly and proudly admitted in a grocery store that he's a "heavy alcoholic."
Alcohol usually sucks.
I don't drink often, but I felt depressed, so I stole lots of my dad's scotch, then filled it with water to make it look like I didn't take any. But it just hurt my stomach a lot..
And when I confronted my dad about his habits, he loudly and proudly admitted in a grocery store that he's a "heavy alcoholic."
Have you looking into a group like AlAnon? They typically have a lot of online support for people seeking advice related to family issues and alcohol.
There are a lot of people here dealing with it but sheesh, it seems not many who are battling it too successfully. A lot of either "cut ties with the person" or "enable the shit out of it"
There are a lot of people here dealing with it but sheesh, it seems not many who are battling it too successfully. A lot of either "cut ties with the person" or "enable the shit out of it"
yeah, that's mostly the type of responses i've been getting here. Cut ties. Some people even seemed angry that I brought it up. I guess it's a frustrating topic but I want to find answers. This person is my blood, my family and I don't want to give up on them altogether.
I suppose I wanted to try here before I branched out to somewhere like AlAnon. I don't typically join support groups or seek help and so far this has been a safer space for me. I'm also afraid it'll become a part of my identity if I let it. And I wish we could just nip it in the butt together, but that's probably wishful thinking...
I suppose I wanted to try here before I branched out to somewhere like AlAnon. I don't typically join support groups or seek help and so far this has been a safer space for me. I'm also afraid it'll become a part of my identity if I let it. And I wish we could just nip it in the butt together, but that's probably wishful thinking...
Some people just don't care how it affects others. My relative jokes all the time about wine and tries to make it seem cute instead of what it is. Horrific. It changes their entire demeanor. Their personhood. They're not even recognizable. They lash out me. Verbally abuse. Sometimes hit and I'm so tired of it. They also disappear for weeks at a time.
I asked her if she thought she was an alcoholic and if she cares how much it hurts those around her, but she just replied with "All my friends do it, why is it any different for them?"
My answer... it's not.
I asked her if she thought she was an alcoholic and if she cares how much it hurts those around her, but she just replied with "All my friends do it, why is it any different for them?"
My answer... it's not.
My sister is an alcoholic and was driving my (quite small) nephew around drunk to get more booze in the middle of the night and taking him to school in the morning still drunk from the night before and shit.
Hey, mess yourself up - I'm not as arsed about that as I am if you're going to kill my nephew in a heinous car accident. Not that I want anything to happen to her either but that was the final thing for me, maybe.
I ended up having to really limit contact. I didn't cut ties with her but I really made it "arms length" as one would say, you know? Instead of going around we texted and I stopped calling really mostly at all. Now we only speak a few times a month because I know that it's just going to center around problems -- finances, mental health, drug & alcohol related shit -- it all ties together right? But I can't let her problems become my problems either and that's how it was.
You said this person is close enough to you to hit you and such? Someone you live with?
It's different for their friends because their friends dont <fill in the blank> hit people when they are drunk, drive when they're drunk, have problems with their family when they're drinking, have financial problems due to their drinking, get into fights when they're drinking, fall into a soggy wet mess of crying when they're drinking... make a list of whatever it is for this person that makes it different. *I* dont know what that is but you do.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm certainly not advocating for you to bail out on this person. Only you know your situation and what is best for you (though allowing someone to hit you does make that look more like you should leave, not less). I hope you can make her see that this is a problem - and fast.
Hey, mess yourself up - I'm not as arsed about that as I am if you're going to kill my nephew in a heinous car accident. Not that I want anything to happen to her either but that was the final thing for me, maybe.
I ended up having to really limit contact. I didn't cut ties with her but I really made it "arms length" as one would say, you know? Instead of going around we texted and I stopped calling really mostly at all. Now we only speak a few times a month because I know that it's just going to center around problems -- finances, mental health, drug & alcohol related shit -- it all ties together right? But I can't let her problems become my problems either and that's how it was.
You said this person is close enough to you to hit you and such? Someone you live with?
It's different for their friends because their friends dont <fill in the blank> hit people when they are drunk, drive when they're drunk, have problems with their family when they're drinking, have financial problems due to their drinking, get into fights when they're drinking, fall into a soggy wet mess of crying when they're drinking... make a list of whatever it is for this person that makes it different. *I* dont know what that is but you do.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm certainly not advocating for you to bail out on this person. Only you know your situation and what is best for you (though allowing someone to hit you does make that look more like you should leave, not less). I hope you can make her see that this is a problem - and fast.
As someone who hates NA meetings, I have to say that I actually found Al-Anon to be quite helpful. You can definitely unload everything you're dealing with to people who understand, and make new friends who are willing to be your support system. And the best part, from my experience, is that I actually found it to be helpful with mental illness in general, not just dealing with someone's using. I started to be more independent and worry about myself first instead of trying to control my ex and his addiction. My issue with NA and AA is mostly the religion aspect and people being preachy and thinking they're better than you, when in reality, they're going down the way after the meeting and using their damn selves. But Al-Anon wasn't like that.
The person has to want to stop. If they don't want to, then no meetings, rehab, or book is going to help them. And unfortunately, from my experience, you only want to stop when it stops being worth it...or in other words, when you've hit rock bottom and lost everything. It's messed up, but that's the reality of it. Not many people get help or acknowledge that they need to stop until they've already screwed up their life...sometimes beyond repair.
Is your nephew safe from her now? It's true they're not your problems and to cut ties seems like the best route from an outside perspective, especially when they don't want help.
It's hard because we're close... or we were supposed to be close. We moved in together a few months ago and I didn't know she was an alcoholic at the time. I didn't know how toxic it would be. She hurt me so much in the early days that suicide was on my mind everyday. She's around less which is both good and bad; good because I don't have to deal with her shit and bad because I worry if she's going to pay her half of the bills every month.
Until I move out, I still have to deal with her and even through text it is a nightmare to elicit any good feelings or to make her realize or care what she's doing. I went off on her, about how she disappears, she doesn't take care of her pets that she left with me, about how she's screwed me over, but she didn't even respond. When she is here she spends all day drinking. She doesn't admit her problem, yet she hides all her bottles so I know she knows deep down it's wrong.
I love her and I can't imagine just... leaving her somewhere to fend for herself. I know the path most alcoholics go down. They don't survive. They end up on the streets. They lose their fucking shit. I can't accept that fate for her, but I know the right thing to do is move out. I am moving out in a couple of months so it won't be a problem for long. But I only have so little time to convince her she's sick and she needs help.
It's hard because we're close... or we were supposed to be close. We moved in together a few months ago and I didn't know she was an alcoholic at the time. I didn't know how toxic it would be. She hurt me so much in the early days that suicide was on my mind everyday. She's around less which is both good and bad; good because I don't have to deal with her shit and bad because I worry if she's going to pay her half of the bills every month.
Until I move out, I still have to deal with her and even through text it is a nightmare to elicit any good feelings or to make her realize or care what she's doing. I went off on her, about how she disappears, she doesn't take care of her pets that she left with me, about how she's screwed me over, but she didn't even respond. When she is here she spends all day drinking. She doesn't admit her problem, yet she hides all her bottles so I know she knows deep down it's wrong.
I love her and I can't imagine just... leaving her somewhere to fend for herself. I know the path most alcoholics go down. They don't survive. They end up on the streets. They lose their fucking shit. I can't accept that fate for her, but I know the right thing to do is move out. I am moving out in a couple of months so it won't be a problem for long. But I only have so little time to convince her she's sick and she needs help.
A good recovery program for her is SMART (Self-Management and Recovery Training). Everything they do is backed by scientific research. They focus on problem solving and urge control. And they have online meetings. https://www.smartrecovery.org/
Honestly, a person has to come to that realization on their own. I was an alcoholic for a few years. I had no idea, that was until I caught myself sneaking to drink alcohol in secret. Once I made that realization, I was faced with a choice. So, I stopped drinking. I also vowed to my biological dad that I wouldn’t drink again. To this day I cannot trust myself to have a tiny sip because it will cause me to backslide.
I appreciate the feedback from those who have gone through addiction themselves. It helps me understand how someone could be in such denial... I am glad that you were able to come to that realization and that you made the choice for yourself to quit.
It gives me hope but it also makes me think well, maybe she has come to that realization... she just doesn't care. She definitely has gone off to drink in secret and she has hidden all her bottles, so she has had some sort of realization that it's too much.
Thank you for sharing.
It gives me hope but it also makes me think well, maybe she has come to that realization... she just doesn't care. She definitely has gone off to drink in secret and she has hidden all her bottles, so she has had some sort of realization that it's too much.
Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome. I hope you understand that she is suffering from unseen and unspoken hurt just like the people here. Drugs and alcohol only temporally help us ignore the problem. Some skeletons are hard to face, let alone put to rest. Perhaps if you offered support to help her through whatever she’s going through? Maybe she’ll find what she needs here? Just some suggestions. Always remember that everyone is fighting a battle.
I have offered many times to support her. I do not feel comfortable suggesting she come on this site as this is a private space away from family. I understand she is hurting and I understand everyone has their internal battles but that doesn't excuse the ways she has hurt me or justify the things she has done. I have tried to be there for her so many times only to be pushed away. Screamed at. Beaten. What else can I do?
It's hard to do it if they won't accept that they have a problem. They more or less have to decide this on my own. My mom has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. She quit for more than a year, then started again the past few months. Now she's quitting again, but refuses to get any help for it. I feel like she would benefit from therapy to get to the root of why she drinks. Some bad things happened to her in her life, she never dealt with them, and I feel like that's part of the problem. I had a problem with alcohol as well, and despite being tempted, haven't drank for about 2 years. So it depends on the person and their willpower. But keep yourself safe above all.