Im still having extreme difficulty coming to terms with alex's death.... i dont know if many of you remember him,, alex (pandemonium) but he was my best freind... and i miss him so much... i still cry myself to sleep at night thinking about him.... i know this is what everyone says, but i honestly do feel i could have done something... i know that it doesnt matter now.. i have no more alex.... and to be honest, alot of the reason I dont visit this site anymore, is because it reminds me so much of him... i go to his threads, read our messages we sent to one another time and again... i guess i just wanted to say, i miss him very much.... i loved him... life will never be the same without him..
Alex
- Thread starter Montage
- Start date
Montage,
Hey sweetie!!! I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. If you ever need to talk or to rant and rave feel free to pm me. I am here for you. I know what you mean though about being able to do something. I still feel that way about Matt even though it has now been 4 years.
I am sorry that you still cry yourself to sleep. I have times where I still do that myself. It is never easy to come to terms with someone's death. It is very hard to get through. This I know. I am here if you shall ever need my shoulder to cry on. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss
With Love,
Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
Hey sweetie!!! I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. If you ever need to talk or to rant and rave feel free to pm me. I am here for you. I know what you mean though about being able to do something. I still feel that way about Matt even though it has now been 4 years.
I am sorry that you still cry yourself to sleep. I have times where I still do that myself. It is never easy to come to terms with someone's death. It is very hard to get through. This I know. I am here if you shall ever need my shoulder to cry on. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss
With Love,
Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
{{{{{Lyndsey}}}}}
Hey hun! I’m sorry for your continued pain and suffering over the loss of Alex. I surely do remember him and miss him very much. He was a tremendous person and provided me with an amazing friendship I will always treasure. There are moments I find myself going through all the pms and messages he and I sent one another, not even sure why I’m doing it at times although I guess in a sense I try to fill the void that his loss left. I’ve lost a few of the pms along the way, and it’s actually saddened me when I realized that. I’ve even been on msn and have looked for him to come online, despite the fact that I know he’s gone. It’s not easy, and you’re not alone in wishing he was still around…
I know I told you before that’s it’s not your fault, and I know from personal experience that those words sometimes do nothing but frustrate you more when you’ve convinced yourself there had to be something that you should have or could have done to stop him from leaving. I too have questioned myself as to why I wasn’t there for him more, or why he didn’t say goodbye and give me a chance to try to sway his decision. I would have tried anything even though I know it likely wouldn’t have made a difference. As you know Alex was in pain. He struggled with life and trying to hang on. He often didn’t see the good within himself and I spent many nights trying to get him to see otherwise. One of the first things we talked about was him thinking that he was incapable of caring for anyone else. He admitted he could ‘listen’ to and ‘help’ people but there was a time he told me he didn’t think he could really ‘care’ for people. We fought over this for a long time, because I knew and saw he did indeed have the ability to love and care for people. I think he finally accepted that was possible when the two of you became as close as you did. After that time he never mentioned it again…instead he was able to share with me the happiness you brought into his life and the adoration he had for you. But despite that, life was still difficult for him to accept. I’ll never know why he finally had the desire to give in and move on, but he did for some reason. I know that he’d do anything to take away your pain…I know he’d want you to be happy and would wipe away your tears and mend your broken heart if he could…and most of all, I know he loved you…so please never ever forget or stop thinking that…
I’m sure he’s watching over you Lyndsey, and I’m sure it pains him to know that he’s hurt you so. But I know he’s touched your life in a way that you can always cherish. Sure there is no more Alex, but you will always have the memories and hopefully one day they can help you to move on knowing that at least you had that period of time where he was in your life…even if it wasn’t able to last as long as you’d hoped for…some people have missed out on knowing him at all. But for those of us who did, we were honored by having that time to share with him. I know I’m grateful.
Hang in there, and remember you're not alone. Let me know if you need anything, even if just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen…I’ll do my best.
:hug:
Chrissy
Hey hun! I’m sorry for your continued pain and suffering over the loss of Alex. I surely do remember him and miss him very much. He was a tremendous person and provided me with an amazing friendship I will always treasure. There are moments I find myself going through all the pms and messages he and I sent one another, not even sure why I’m doing it at times although I guess in a sense I try to fill the void that his loss left. I’ve lost a few of the pms along the way, and it’s actually saddened me when I realized that. I’ve even been on msn and have looked for him to come online, despite the fact that I know he’s gone. It’s not easy, and you’re not alone in wishing he was still around…
I know I told you before that’s it’s not your fault, and I know from personal experience that those words sometimes do nothing but frustrate you more when you’ve convinced yourself there had to be something that you should have or could have done to stop him from leaving. I too have questioned myself as to why I wasn’t there for him more, or why he didn’t say goodbye and give me a chance to try to sway his decision. I would have tried anything even though I know it likely wouldn’t have made a difference. As you know Alex was in pain. He struggled with life and trying to hang on. He often didn’t see the good within himself and I spent many nights trying to get him to see otherwise. One of the first things we talked about was him thinking that he was incapable of caring for anyone else. He admitted he could ‘listen’ to and ‘help’ people but there was a time he told me he didn’t think he could really ‘care’ for people. We fought over this for a long time, because I knew and saw he did indeed have the ability to love and care for people. I think he finally accepted that was possible when the two of you became as close as you did. After that time he never mentioned it again…instead he was able to share with me the happiness you brought into his life and the adoration he had for you. But despite that, life was still difficult for him to accept. I’ll never know why he finally had the desire to give in and move on, but he did for some reason. I know that he’d do anything to take away your pain…I know he’d want you to be happy and would wipe away your tears and mend your broken heart if he could…and most of all, I know he loved you…so please never ever forget or stop thinking that…
I’m sure he’s watching over you Lyndsey, and I’m sure it pains him to know that he’s hurt you so. But I know he’s touched your life in a way that you can always cherish. Sure there is no more Alex, but you will always have the memories and hopefully one day they can help you to move on knowing that at least you had that period of time where he was in your life…even if it wasn’t able to last as long as you’d hoped for…some people have missed out on knowing him at all. But for those of us who did, we were honored by having that time to share with him. I know I’m grateful.
Hang in there, and remember you're not alone. Let me know if you need anything, even if just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen…I’ll do my best.
:hug:
Chrissy
i want to say thank you for all the replies i got.... i know others miss him too.... i get so angry at him at times for leaving me, leaving everyone that cared fir him..... laxgirl, you have always offered so much support for everything ive went through... what you said about alex talking about me, well lets just say im sitting here with a box of tissue.... if there is one thing i do know about Alex, he loved me... and you proved it to me even more, and what you said about him wanting to erase my pain, youre right, i know he didnt mean to hurt me or anyone else.... suicide is selfish, but i guess being mad at someone because they wanted to be out of thier pain is selfish too... you really have helped me look at things in a different light and i very very much appreciate it... thank you to everyone....
Hey sweetie! I'm glad I was able to help somewhat...just wish I could do more, because I know that regardless of what I have said or may say from here words can only do so much...and they definitely can't bring back Alex, which I'm sure you want more than anything right about now. But what I can do...is sit with you...reminisce about the wonderful person we had an opportunity to know...and become frustrated over thinking of what could have been yet to come from the friendship but that we'll never get to experience... Most of all, I'll always be available to remind you that you'll never have to suffer alone with this.
As for your mixed feelings...sadness, anger, rejection, resentment, betrayal...whatever it may be...just allow yourself to continue to feel these as you have every right to feel as you do. It doesn't mean you love him any less, or that you and/or Alex are bad people. Neither of you are, ever were, or ever will be. I'm sure that you get angry at yourself for getting angry at him for leaving you, but Lyndsey you are allowed to be angry with him. I'm sure he made his decision knowing that along the line those he cared for the most would feel some sort of anger for him doing what he's done, because he knew what the thought of losing those he cared about himself did to him. He'd want you to express yourself to him...so allow yourself to do so. It only proves how much he meant to you...otherwise you wouldn't suffer as you do. It's going to take time...likely a good amount of time for you to be able to sit back and think about Alex without shedding the tears, feeling your heart break, and struggling with the aching, nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. The grieving process in itself sucks...and when it's mixed with a loss that resulted from suicide it only makes it that much more confusing, aggrivating, and intense. And to make it even worse...there's no set time for grieving...each of us does it at our own pace, in our own order, and in our own way...so just remember to please be patient with yourself along the way.
As for suicide being selfish...I'm not sure about that altogether. Sure most people would say it is, but I'm not totally in agreement with that. In some ways I'd have to say it's a selfless act as most individuals who attempt suicide focus on themselves last, and are more intent on finding a way to rid others of the pain, disappointment, and disgust they believe they cause others by continuing to exist. Even though their vision may be distorted...a lot of people who attempt suicide will point out that they are doing it to save others from the continued pain they cause in their lives...without thinking twice about what they themselves may be missing out on in the long run. They often put themselves and their own needs aside and last. But for those who are survivors of suicide, meaning those who have lost loved ones to suicide...feeling angry at the person who committed suicide is not selfish either. Of course you saw what he couldn't see within himself...you could look ahead and see a bright future for him...you could see the options he couldn't...and you had the hopes for him that he could only dream of having for himself. And you are entitled to be angry for him not giving himself a chance. It's all understandable, and not necessarily selfish at all. Now I'm not promoting suicide or anything...just guess I needed to say that for some reason. Not even sure if it makes sense...if not sorry!
Okay...have rambled enough again. Just really want you to know I'm still here for and with ya! You need anything, just yell! I'll be around.
:hug:
As for your mixed feelings...sadness, anger, rejection, resentment, betrayal...whatever it may be...just allow yourself to continue to feel these as you have every right to feel as you do. It doesn't mean you love him any less, or that you and/or Alex are bad people. Neither of you are, ever were, or ever will be. I'm sure that you get angry at yourself for getting angry at him for leaving you, but Lyndsey you are allowed to be angry with him. I'm sure he made his decision knowing that along the line those he cared for the most would feel some sort of anger for him doing what he's done, because he knew what the thought of losing those he cared about himself did to him. He'd want you to express yourself to him...so allow yourself to do so. It only proves how much he meant to you...otherwise you wouldn't suffer as you do. It's going to take time...likely a good amount of time for you to be able to sit back and think about Alex without shedding the tears, feeling your heart break, and struggling with the aching, nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. The grieving process in itself sucks...and when it's mixed with a loss that resulted from suicide it only makes it that much more confusing, aggrivating, and intense. And to make it even worse...there's no set time for grieving...each of us does it at our own pace, in our own order, and in our own way...so just remember to please be patient with yourself along the way.
As for suicide being selfish...I'm not sure about that altogether. Sure most people would say it is, but I'm not totally in agreement with that. In some ways I'd have to say it's a selfless act as most individuals who attempt suicide focus on themselves last, and are more intent on finding a way to rid others of the pain, disappointment, and disgust they believe they cause others by continuing to exist. Even though their vision may be distorted...a lot of people who attempt suicide will point out that they are doing it to save others from the continued pain they cause in their lives...without thinking twice about what they themselves may be missing out on in the long run. They often put themselves and their own needs aside and last. But for those who are survivors of suicide, meaning those who have lost loved ones to suicide...feeling angry at the person who committed suicide is not selfish either. Of course you saw what he couldn't see within himself...you could look ahead and see a bright future for him...you could see the options he couldn't...and you had the hopes for him that he could only dream of having for himself. And you are entitled to be angry for him not giving himself a chance. It's all understandable, and not necessarily selfish at all. Now I'm not promoting suicide or anything...just guess I needed to say that for some reason. Not even sure if it makes sense...if not sorry!
Okay...have rambled enough again. Just really want you to know I'm still here for and with ya! You need anything, just yell! I'll be around.
:hug:
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Hi Sweetie...been out of commission for a few days myself, so just saw your post...I know that when my best friend died, it took me quite a long time to change from a sadness that was all-encompassing, to finding a place in my heart for him that allowed me to live and let joy in again. It takes time, but I am sure that Alex would want you to get to that point when you can...the day my friend died, he wanted to be alone (his death was predictable as he was in the end stages of AIDS) and it took me a long time to not feel anger about that..."How can you leave me without saying good-bye?" I realized that the love we felt for each other was his way of honoring me, and that the good-bye was just closure that i would have wanted...please know i am here if you would like to 'talk' or 'cry' or do whatever you feel is good for you at the time...healing requires a degree of selfishness that is very understandable...and of course, we miss you, but understand that you might need this distance right now...sending you healing thoughts...big hugs, Jackie
thank you chrissy, and jackie for the replies.... chrissy, that did make alot of sense about the selfishness part.. i know alex couldnt see what an awesome person he was.... and he thought he was hurting people and so forth, you know how he felt.... AAAAHHHHHHHH i dont know this whole thing just sucks.... sometimes i feel like he had the right idea.... i dont know... all i know is i miss him, i miss him, i miss him.... Alex i miss yoU!!
and youre right, i cant even say his name without balling like a baby....im hoping that will pass and ill be able to think about him and smile... remembering only good fun times..... its funny how you can have a lifetime or years of great happy fun times.... and then one tragedy seems to erase it all.....
jackie, sounds like youve been through alot too with your loss.... I just wish there could be life, with no death.... but of course thats just silly to even say....
thank you again for your caring words..... im thinking of doing a tribute web page for alex... i think that might help....
and youre right, i cant even say his name without balling like a baby....im hoping that will pass and ill be able to think about him and smile... remembering only good fun times..... its funny how you can have a lifetime or years of great happy fun times.... and then one tragedy seems to erase it all.....
jackie, sounds like youve been through alot too with your loss.... I just wish there could be life, with no death.... but of course thats just silly to even say....
thank you again for your caring words..... im thinking of doing a tribute web page for alex... i think that might help....