Alive

[GoldenPsych]

Woke up in intensive care, on a ventilator, lines in my neck, feet, arms, hands. 2 nights in there one on ward. Monitors beeping, a nurse holding my hand. Police were called, parents and family informed. Mum flown home from holiday at a cost of nearly £500. So now I have guilt, and regret it didn't just bloody work. So now I am looking for accidental.

I need to blog about it, but at the moment I don't have the energy. I don't know where to begin. I still don't want crisis team involvement, they threatened sectioning. Long story. Tomorrow I will blog about it.

 

[Butterfly]

I have been thinking about you GP. I have been very worried about you. I am here if you need anything hun.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Overdoses rarely work, I know a lot about drugs just out of curiosity and the inevitable human desire to seek other concious states of being.

As for accidental - easy if you work in the right places.

But the police would investigate a little, some people know you have a blog - and have read your plan to fake an accidental death - misadventure or open verdict because you don't want people to know you died of suicide.

Not only have you had to to fake living (and I have to do that also - every day) but your going to fake your death also.

Your trying to create a narrative which is dishonest. I thought you were honest - I mean, I get that much from you.

I am not ashamed of being suicidal.

If I came to the conclusion that this world was too flawed to be happy in - I'd be proud of my choice. I'd record it for the funeral (you can do this now) and could tell the funeral congregation that I was 'proud to have been part of this fu**** up world - I bought happiness to others when I had none.

For me - having nothing to live for made me fear nothing.

For some - it is the FEAR which makes them not want to live.

I have some fear - but will overcome it and become some kind of hero or something. I'm not going put quietly.

I've been honest most of my life - my death will the same. I won't hide anything - I don't give a damn anymore about how people see me. I won't bow my head or lower my gaze to anyone.

You got to draw on your inner strengths GS.

If you feel destructive, feel it for something other than you.

Your death will a loss to this miserable fu**** up nation.

Being intelligent has nothing to do with it. Your a human being - you deserve some happiness - or the chance to be able to feel that again.

I think you ought to create another narrative for your life.

Your good at that.

Thanks for being here.

 

[total eclipse]

You know your parents and others will not take your death easily you know you will harm them and they are not stupid after such attempts you have had they will know outright it was not accident. You need to focus you attention on healing you put all that energy you are using to harm you into helping you heal
Get on a new path now so no more pain will be instilled to you or the people around you.

 

[IV2010]

GP I'm thinking of you *
I too wish you would use this chance to find a new life and not another attempt
you would be so missed here and in RL
I'm sure your Mum is not concerned about having to return from a holiday to be with you......you are more important than any holiday
being a Mum who lost a child to suicide I know how scared she will be of losing you
i hope you will reach out for support and do whatever it takes to stay

 

[peacelovingguy]

Get on a new path now so no more pain will be instilled to you or the people around you.

Wise words

They apply to me and GS both - and more here also!

I've just exhausted a ten year path - I've lost a LOT - more than just losing a job - money and that kind of stuff. My mind, almost. Self dignity - yes for a while. And lost belief in myself also - and everyone else also. And everything.

But - that was the past.

I just need another path again. :cazza:

 

[total eclipse]

I hope you find that path one of healing okay one that will bring peace to you and others around you hugs

 

[peacelovingguy]

I hope you find that path one of healing okay one that will bring peace to you and others around you hugs

Oh - don't worry there!

I have one lined up.

Winning! :smile:

Hope GP is OK though - I have a lot of faith in her to do good in this life.

(GP - sorry for calling you GS - I mean - I've been doing that for ages. My mistake! Hope you forgive this poor peasant from a City known for its - wit? or robbers!)

 

[total eclipse]

I hope she is okay too and i know she has the fight to win this as well hugs to her

 

[Sadeyes]

GP reminds me of me...we do not like it easy...in fact, I wonder if I would know what to with an easy life...I hope she is OK too

 

[GoldenPsych]

Thanks for your comments guys...

I have blogged about what has happened

http://behind-the-scenes-goldenpsych.blogspot.com/2011/08/where-to-begin.html

I don't want to write it all out again. But I very nearly succeeded. I was told I nearly died and if hadn't have been for someone finding me I would be dead.

 

[Butterfly]

I just want to give you a big hug. I know it is frustrating when everyone knows and you constantly feel you are being babysat etc, but they care and love and are worried. In some respects they will blame themselves. People want to help you GP but you keep rejecting it. I have to be honest I cannot believe you managed to survive such a serious attempt without being hospitalised. I don't know what else to suggest hun or what to say. I just hope you know that a lot of people love and care about you, including us here. Please don't cut your nose off to spite your face, there is a turning point, you can get better, please accept the help.

 

[peacelovingguy]

GP's brother's comments on the latest blog article are amazing.

I know GP you are actually VERY loved by your mum and brother.

Thank God you have that.

Please, please, please - don't push them away.

I've been there.

It is a bad place - and I understand why dying sees better than living when you are in that place.

Regards.

Glad your alive.

 

[peacelovingguy]

I'm assuming GP will not mind me copying the comments by the brother as she usually posts the article here anyway.

I think it kind of puts another emphasis on things.

"There's a child at Beachy Head, gonna stop you from going over. That child is me.

There's a seven year old, got you by the hand, got you by the hair, got you by anything he can hold on to.

Remembers you as a happy kid. Pre theft, pre pubescent. Daddy's girl with a big brown faced smile in a purple polyester nighty in the kitchen.

A phone call of blazing dread brought back feelings of my childhood and adulthood inadequacy, multiplied ad infinitum for you. But their words and deeds should have no bearing on the equilibrium of your soul. You are so lovely. I love you so much (my kids do too). Please just try and remember that next time you're down."

I hesitated putting this up - but if I'm wrong I apologise to GP.

Accept your families help.

Talk to them more.

And live. :smile: