A wonderful husband and four wonderful children are mine and it's gross of me, I know - to think of leaving them. How can I? Because some days I truly believe they could be happier without me. I'm too sensitive, too serious, too sad - and too introspective. I hate my husband for being so damn likable. I hate myself for being so damn not. I just want to sleep in bed all day. Let someone else take care of the kids because I'm going to jump out of my skin if they don't stop calling me, fighting with each other ... needing something. I know God loves me. I no longer believe Him to be waiting to hit me with a invisibe hammer every time I do something wrong. I know I have a place waiting for me in heaven with Him. I no longer fear ending my life will send me to hell. I'm angry with all the 'christians' who told me all these years that my sin could cause me to lose my salvation, that my older brother and Dad's suicide are "such a shame" because now I'll never see them in heaven (?!!). He does not say anywhere in His word it's the unpardonable sin. Naturally we as humans who can't love one another without conditions understand the God who made this huge universe and all it's inhabitants is capable - and indeed DOES - love us enough to give us a free gift entirely for the asking. Thank You, Heavenly Father. I thank you for being a father to the fatherless and giving me hope. I believe I can get to a better place on this earth but honestly? I don't know if I have the desire to stick it out. I want to be the one others want to be with. I don't want to have to try. I just want to BE! If this means I have a panic attack in front of you and I can't talk because I'm freaking out and my body is ice cold and I've forgotten how to breathe - I want to know it's okay. I want to be that little girl who needs her Daddy to give her a hug and tell her she's loved just because she's his daughter. I'm glad He is this for me. Sometimes I even feel Him. But - most of the time I'm just not feeling anything accept lonely and ugly and lost. I want to be with Him. That's all for now.