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All alone and depressed again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IrnBru, May 4, 2013.

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  1. IrnBru

    IrnBru New Member

    Hi everyone, I have just joined and I can't believe I am back into this black hole...

    A small bit of background... I have suffered from depression since I was about 13. My teenage years were hell... I went through many points were I could barely get out of bed, I would come home from school and lie in bed drowning out the world with music. I started cutting myself when I was about 14, and I loved it... it was the one bit of control I had in my life. I couldn't control my emotional pain but I could control the physical pain. I struggled on and within a few years I was spending almost every day drunk. It was my release, my way to forget... my way to be happy. It wasn't a good way to be living though, so when I was about 18/19 I found the courage to go to the doctor and I was referred to a psychologist. That didn't help one bit and when I was 20 I tried to overdose... I panicked though and got help. It was a slow hard battle, but I managed to drag myself out of that hole and for the last 3 years I have been happy... me?? Happy! It was with the help of a special guy that I managed to get better...

    And now, because of him, I am right back there again. He has left me. I just don't want to go on now. As sad as it sounds. He is my everything, he has been my partner, my best friend, for the last 5 years... and I am losing him. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want my life without. I just don't want it. In the last few weeks I have come so close to ending it, but I will make sure any other attempts don't fail. The only thing stopping me are my dogs... I know a lot of people won't understand that but I love my boys, and one of them isn't well just now so I feel if I do anything, I will be letting them down. I don't know how long I can carry on for them though... I have managed to stop myself from any kind of self harm (unless punching and kicking the walls count!) but I keep feeling the urge...

    My life is going nowhere... I am now alone, I have a rubbish dead end part time job, I have no qualifications. I have nothing... bar my dogs. A small part of me is clinging on to the hope that he will come back to me... but I think once that little bit of hope is gone, that will be it. I won't have anything to hold on for... I just don't know how I got to this point in my life. Especially since he tells me he still loves me, and cares for me, and admits we had the most fantastic relationship... but that he doesn't want commitment... after 5 years! My happy little bubble is well and truly burst...

    I'm sorry for my first post being so depressed, but I have no one I can talk to. I haven't even told anyone that he has left. Never mind how I now feel.

    IrnBru x
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Hi IrnBru,

    Welcome to the site.

    First, i'm so sorry you're feeling so down and that your partner has left you. That's awful.
    You have summed up my reason for cutting so perfectly i actually started crying. Control is something all humans crave and need. It's understandable.
    Sometimes doctors don't help, and that's okay. you just have to try to find another one. If that one doesn't help either, you find ANOTHER until you find the right one and the help you so deserve.

    As for hanging in there for your dogs. I understand that. When me and my partner were separated and I felt like i had no hope, i lived for my cat. I could NOT leave him. I just couldn't bear the thought. It's not pathetic. Anything that keeps a person breathing is not pathetic. Animals are better companions than people in my opinion. So live for your dogs if nothing else. They need you. Plus i would sure love to get to know you better and i can't do that if you commit suicide :(

    I really hope he comes back to you. But please.. if he doesn't, do NOT hurt yourself. Seek help and keep seeking help until you find it. You are an amazing person and this world wouldn't be the same without you.

    Having a dead end job is okay, too. Why not go back to college if you want something more? There are all kinds of ways you can get funded to do that and I would love to help you find them if I can.

    Message me anytime, and please stay strong!

    ~ Sam
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