All alone

[PeaceOfMind]

i feel like I'm all alone. I'm new to the area I live in, I have "work" friends, but I don't really want them knowing of the things I deal with. I have two kids. 5 and soon to be 2. Their mom, we are in an off and on relationship and she lives with us, but it's been complicated. She seems to have a lot of trouble telling the truth. I always let her back in, or convincing myself she's going to change because she promises she has changed and isn't going to lie to me anymore. But then slowly the web unravels and little lies start coming out. If she lies about little things she probably lies about bigger things. I don't feel like she cares about me at all, even though she says she does. She's really the only person I have to talk to, but i don't feel like I can trust her. I'm in a bad depression. I think about things I shouldn't think about. The only thing that keeps me going is my two boys. But I feel like such a bad parent dealing with these issues. I'm constantly hiding behind a mask to them, to my coworkers, my family. I don't know what to do.

 

[curtis]

I'm no expert but yea as you said dealing witth these emotions and having to hide them isn't good for your life. have u ever thought of channeling ur depression into a form of art or creativity, it seems to help lot of people. also in my opinion having a "significant other" who lies a lot or all the time is not healthy for you and its up to u but In my opininon u should consider all ur options and wat will be the best for both u and ur kids.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

I've never been good with art. Could never draw or anything like that... Creativity I'd have to think about. Hm.

I've tried separating. 2 times we have in 6 years. I end up missing her. And getting back with her. We're in a tight financial spot so we need each other money wise right now, too, which sucks. I'm working on trying to get promoted at work. But it will take time. She doesn't work. I just want her to be honest with me. Stop lying. Is there hope for that? Or am I convincing myself of that? Can people change?

 

[curtis]

gonna be honest with u dude, in my experience people don't change if its there in their core they can never get rid of it, for example I had an ex who was lying aswell and I tried at least 10 times on and off trying to help her stop lying but it never worked out. nut yea man its easy to find something that uses ur creativity it honestly makes u forget about the depression, I for one make music and it helps to let all of your feelings out.

 

[SinisterKid]

Hi PoM and welcome to SF. Its never easy making any changes in life, they are often stressful and bring complications into our lives. But they can also been seen as a new start sometimes. Its good you are reaching out and I am sure that SF can become a part of both your support and social networks. They take time and effort to build and can be hard work. You often need to find the people and services yourself. But it can be done, its not impossible.

Your partner is a tough situation. You love her, she is the mother of your children, but her constant lies are hurting you all. It really is a dilema amd as Curtis just mentioned, you do need to look at your options very closely. I am hoping that maybe someone else will reply who has been through similar and can offer a better opinion than I can. But lying is destructive and it will/is slowly destroying your relationship.

Yes, people can change and I am living [just] proof of that. But she has to want to change, without that, she wont change. Maybe sitting down with a third party on this will help. You will both be calmer and more pleasant to each other, and they can offer you a perspective that you will never see yourself. I have done it and it kept me and my partner together. That was about 12 years ago now.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

Thank you for your responses. I've always said I'd go to counseling and she's agreed to it. Maybe it's time to try it. Right now I'd consider us "off" as far as our relationship goes. I feel like she just gives up on us. And is ready to move on. She doesn't fight for our relationship like I had hoped she would. But she and I don't have anyone but each other, home wise, and financial wise. We both need each other to survive. But I don't want to live together and not be together. It seems pointless to me. But we really don't have a choice.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

I have a feeling she's talking to someone else, which hurts. I just got blocked on FaceBook. I really hate FB. But I like reading other people's stuff about their normal lives. Anytime I bring something up to her she just says she doesn't want to argue.

 

[SinisterKid]

I would do the counselling if I were you. It might just get to the bottom of why she feels the need to lie to you or anyone else. I dont exactly lie, but I do have a facade I hide behind and that is my Mr I'm OKAY THNX persona. Society teaches us its not ok to tell someone whats really going on, so you dont, you pretend otherwise. Maybe your partner is a little bit the same. She hides behind her lies for whatever her reasons are? Just a slightly different perspective for you to think about maybe. You know her better than most. But the counselling really did help me and my partner, so give it a go what have you got to lose?

 

[SinisterKid]

I have a feeling she's talking to someone else, which hurts. I just got blocked on FaceBook. I really hate FB. But I like reading other people's stuff about their normal lives. Anytime I bring something up to her she just says she doesn't want to argue.

You keep doing that and it will definitely tear you apart. Get off it and stay off it is my advice with that. Remember this, sometimes its easier to talk to someone other than the person we should be talking to for a whole host of different reasons. My lass was talking to her friend and not me and I resented her and her friend for that. But my lass said I was not approachable to talk to [ouch that hurt]. This is not going to be all her fault, that is a certainty my friend.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

There definitely could be a reason behind the lies. A deeper meaning I guess you could say. She acts totally disinterested in having anything remotely to do with me so I don't even want to bring up counseling to her...

 

[PeaceOfMind]

I know it's not all her fault, I have faults too... I just feel like I'm the only one trying here.

 

[SinisterKid]

There definitely could be a reason behind the lies. A deeper meaning I guess you could say. She acts totally disinterested in having anything remotely to do with me so I don't even want to bring up counseling to her...

You typed above that she had already agreed to the counselling. Is that a typo? I am slightly confused, sorry.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

Previously she had agreed to it. Months ago. Just never went through with it... Now? I'm not so sure...

 

[SinisterKid]

Previously she had agreed to it. Months ago. Just never went through with it... Now? I'm not so sure...

Right, with you now, sorry about that, I misunderstood. I guess the only thing to do is raise the issue again with her and see how she responds. I hope she agrees again so you can begin to sort the relationship out.

 

[Petal]

I think you should raise the counselling issue again too. Can people change? My ex was a lying scumbag but people can change if they really want to. Counselling could play a big role in it. And the fact ye need each other finacially is possibly an issue too. I think raise the counselling issue, see how that goes, and let us know? Just my 2 cents

 

[PeaceOfMind]

Well I haven't raised the counseling issue to her. She came into the room last night while I was taking a nap before work and was holding my hand. I still feel really distant from her. Things don't feel right. She still refuses to add me on FB. Said I need to show her I'm not going to be petty. Apparently because I don't like when this guy, calls her pretty on all her pictures and it bothers me. And she still has her ex on there. And she's been messaging him on FB. She spends a lot of time on her phone and that bothers me too. I'm trying to not let it bother me, but it's hard. I'm not sure what to do. The depression is still bad. I kind of lost it yesterday before I went to see a movie with my work friends. I hit the wall because I was frustrated that earlier yesterday she came and laid next to me in bed and cuddled me because I was crying. I then asked if we were okay and she said no. She was trying to comfort me and that was a way to. But then like I said later that night she was holding my hand and kissed me. And now she says were okay. I don't feel okay. I halfway wonder if she's doing it out of pity. I overthink things too much. I get bothered watching her on her phone talking to people all the time. I am right now. It makes me upset.

 

[SinisterKid]

Relationships rely and depend upon trust a great deal of the time. Because we cannot be together 24/7 we have little choice but to trust each other when we are apart. Lack of trust will destroy a relationship eventually and lead to a great deal of heartache along the way. You either learn to trust her and what she does with her phone and social media, or you risk destroying what you have. Its not a easy decision to make, but if you want to trust her, you need to commit fully to it and be prepared to banish these thoughts when they come up, which they will of course. You cant run a relationship via social media, they seldom work. Fuck FB and Twitter and all the rest, learn to ignore them. I dont use any social media at all. I did, but decided to stop and my online life has been more settled because of it. So it can be done. I went on FB and opened a old account up to get in touch with someone because they were not responding elsewhere, then instantly shut it back down again.

You have to accept you dont own this person, she is allowed a life outside of your relationship. You cant control her into only doing what you want her to do. Learn to relax when she is doing things on her phone or online.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

I understand what you're saying. I think what bothers me the most is the amount of time that's spent on the phone. In combination with the other factors.

 

[PeaceOfMind]

Since that night I've received no affection from her. I just asked her to sit down by me and cuddle, and she said no, not right now. I woke up at 3 AM and she was in the living room on her phone. Those types of things bother me...

 

[SinisterKid]

Understandable, but it still doesn't change the fact that you either trust her and the phone, or you dont. Its obviously upsetting you, can you talk to her about it?