All alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aoeu, Dec 13, 2008.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Everyone's gone...

    Sarah and ***** are probably out with their new boyfriends... At least I know that Sarah's going to talk to me sometime reasonably soon.

    ******** can't come online anymore due to real life problems, and I don't have a phone number or any other way of contacting her.

    ***** immediately cut off contact with me when I, desperately lonely one night, confided in her that I was suicidal.

    Lynn isn't quite the same as the others, but she's nice to talk to. Busy and/or asleep. I hope it's the latter, it's 5AM for her!

    I also dropped out of therapy discreetly, so I don't have her to talk to either [but that doesn't matter too much on a Saturday night].

    ...And I can't PM or chat, and can barely post.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are feeling so alone right now. Why did you drop out of therapy?
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Mostly because I had an opportunity to. I had to switch therapists, and I told the first one I had an appointment with the second, which was a complete lie. I'd felt like it was worthless for a while before that, mostly it was frustrating and painful for the last month or so, for both of us. I don't want to own up to my many failures, and she forced me to.

    I think I'm going to drink and cut now.
  4. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    I'm sad to hear your under moderation Aoeu.
  5. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    What's being under moderation? What happens then?

    Aoeu, I'm all alone too..but it's different with me..I don't like to socialize..I just can't fit in this world..seems like there's nothing people do for fun except drinking and partying.. and there's an attitude about them.. I don't know..I don't understand human beings lol..and I want out! LOL.. this game isn't for me...I don't understand the concept of human and their life...really..!

    So, you're not alone, as I'm far..far lost compared to you..
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Aoeu, Im sorry you are feeling so alone :sad: I'll try to catch you on msn today :hug:
  7. asvt

    asvt Well-Known Member

    You stole the words right from my mouth thats exactly what i have been feeling of late i just don't understand humans so much that i don't even feel that i'm one of them.
    And aoeu i'm sorry to hear about your problems and sincerely hope you feel better but if you want someone physical to talk to i'd be for lack of a better word happy to travel and meet up with you. We can have a good chat and have a laugh i think it would be good for the both of us. Or if you prefer we could exchange mobile numbers and you can text or call me when your feeling down and really need someone to talk to. Hope you feel better soon.:smile:
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    This means you've lost chat and PM privileges, and all your posts have to be approved by a moderator before they go up. Probably a half-dozen posts of mine from last night didn't show... Good reason, too. They advised suicide and had a great number of triggers.

    Actually, it's much the same for me. I don't do parties, and I can't stand people who do [though they unfortunately all do, it seems]... I just need someone to talk to from time to time.

    There was actually a trip to England planned, and it was what I was looking forward to... It's been cancelled. :(
  9. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi Aoeu & Asvt

    So that's part of what makes us feel depressed.. Being an alien among also..lies to the fact that I have problem understanding the whole concept of life.. I guess it's being positive about it and learn to take it's crap... lol!

    But..human beings still..creeps me..and life on like a crazy dream.. a crazy dream..!
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I wish I could sleep. It'll be better in the morning... Maybe not for very long, but it'll be better for a bit. I wish I could just sleep all the time. Then I'd never have to be lonely again.

    I've done the best I can. I've gone out, I've tried to meet new people. I went into therapy, I joined a support forum, I talked to the people in my building. I'm still lonely. I always will be. I can't take this anymore.

    I could be dead in under a minute. I could do it right now. No one's around to stop me... I wouldn't stand a chance of living. I could be free from my goddamn pain in under a minute.
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Panic attack over. I'm going to be alive for at least another day. Hooray.
  12. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Still alone. I don't want to cut... It's hurts Sarah when I do. But I'm alone and hurting... what do I owe her? I'm alone. What do I owe anyone if they're not here for me when I need it?
  13. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Stay strong. If you don't want to cut distract yourself. Do it for Sarah. You are not alone, people care and want to be here for you. :hug:
  14. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    People seem to like coming into my life, convincing me they give a fuck, and then abandoning me. I'm getting that a lot these days.

    It also occurs to me that ******** might be dead. Last I talked to her she was considering a 30k/month job... in Iraq. Her kids will be raised by her mother, and they'll get PTSD from that bitch, just like she did! [Before you ask, I have absolutely no way of ever getting in contact with her ever again.]
  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Haven't spoken to anyone since Monday. I don't know when I next will...
  16. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Been a week, now.
  17. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    Aoeu, i know exactly how you feel. But the simple truth is, not everyone does or wants to deal with other peoples issues, and many times are simply afraid to try. And another simple truth is, its not anyones responsability. I am not trying to sound like an asshole by any means, i am just trying to help. You have to stay strong for YOU. At some point you have to take control of your life, and rely on yourself. People outside of you can only empathize with you so much, but after a while it becomes old and boring, because they cant truly feel what youre feeling. If you ask someone to help you up, you have to be ready to grab ahold of their hand. ("you" being general)

    I'm so sorry about your friend, (name was censored, dont know the significance of this person). I know what its like to loose contact with someone and fear tehy may be gone. I had a friend in highschool, a very pretty, funny, young girl. She was great to hang around and the 2nd semester of my sophomore year I lost contact with her (she moved). No contact at all. Near the end of the school year i was told by a friend that also knew her (rather nonchalantly, but i guess everyone handles emotions differently) that she committed suicide the previous weekend.

    And i guess im wondering, regardless of any emotions towards your friends mother you have, would her mother know how to contact her?
  18. mourningseraph

    mourningseraph Well-Known Member

    Excellent advice MeAndYou.
  19. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to put my burden on anyone... I just want to play Penny Arcade Adventures with Sarah, we're halfway done the first episode. I want someone to talk to. Someone to play with, to share interests with. I'm not suicidal at all when I'm interacting with people. I'm happy when I'm interacting with people. But I'm not interacting with people.
  20. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Got a message from Sarah

    And I'm not even drunk yet! Of course, I didn't read it... hurts too much. Had a panic attack from the first line alone. I hate this miserable fucking existence.
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