All alone

Status
Not open for further replies.

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#41
I don't know what to do. I distract myself as best I can, that's all I can do... But I'm still just as miserable. I sometimes wish Sarah was here, but I'm not sure. She sometimes makes me happy but often triggers me. It's a moot point, too, since she's not here and refuses to be.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#42
Oh, and yes, I'm aware of how disastrous it is for all involved to be so dependent on someone, but I can't fucking help it at this point.
 
#46
Hey
I am reading your posts too. I am sorry that your feeling so down and frustrated, i get like that alot. If u need someone to talk/vent to my msn and my pm box are open. i also have skype too.
Im glad your still here hold until counselling, ill be here for you every step of the way
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#47
Thank you, Kirsty

Sarah e-mailed me yesterday, we exchanged a few e-mails... All the pain came flooding back in... I hope she doesn't e-mail again, but she's going to.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#48
Ugh, what a mess. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. Apathy, I guess. It doesn't hurt anymore... So that's good, I guess.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#49
Hmm, well, I failed a course. I can't say I'm especially surprised, but it's kinda... unpleasant to find out. I was hoping for at least a D.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#52
I think I'm going to drop out of my engineering degree. I've lost my enthusiasm for the subject matter. I want to move on to prosthetics and orthotics. I don't know how much of this is depression-related... I don't know. It's a big decision.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#53
It's 6AM. I can't sleep. I can't even try, because I trigger when alone with my thoughts. No one to talk to. Nothing to look forward to... So it goes.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#54
...I don't know what happened. The fog of relationships and depression has obscured a lot... I thought A_Pixie wanted nothing to do with me for over 2 months... I don't know what happened. I've added her back to my MSN, I don't know what happens now.
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#55
Unsurprisingly, despite their statements to the contrary, neither ****** nor Sarah is talking to me, still.

I'm not sure if he'll stay that way, I'm not sure if he'll read this, but I'm glad Dave_N is banned. His statements were supportive superficially, but they always felt condescending and insincere... I felt that ever stronger after he trolled me a couple times. He's not suicidal nor depressed, and he makes a bunch of people feel worse, so why is he here? He's not anymore, so that's good. I suspect his ban won't last, and that he'll read this, but I'm not sure I care. I wish he'd stay out of my threads, in any case.

Trigger of the day: "waiter"
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#56
I've been thinking and I can't imagine being me and being happy. I'd imagine that if I worked really, really hard I could be social, make friends, not be so damn awkward all the time, and blend in reasonably well... But my self-identity would be completely destroyed. I AM awkward. I AM anxious. I AM helpless. But I'm likeable because of those, and I like being those, as problematic as they can be. I think ultimately I'm unlike any other, and I provide a positive change on the lives of people around me. But I want to be happy... Is that really so much to ask?
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#57
Fuuuuuck

just leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone! Why are you still here, haunting me? Fuck fuck fuuuuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#59
Of course they're jerking me around. I try my best not to get my hopes up, but I still kinda do, and it still always sucks when the inevitable disappointment comes.

Thanks for keeping your promises, Kirsty :)
 

aoeu

Well-Known Member
#60
Reality + Sleep = C; C is a constant

Unfortunately, dSleep/dt<0; dSleep/dt<0 => dReality/dt>0. Reality sucks. I want to sleep.

This has been a brief episode of depressed insomniac math.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top