All because of my health :(

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AustralianAnxiety, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. AustralianAnxiety

    AustralianAnxiety New Member

    Good Evening,

    I thought I would finally look for some sort of support out here in the big wide web, so here goes...

    I am a 24 yr old woman from Australia and my life was turned upside down on the 31st of August 2014. I developed Tinnitus in my ears (ringing in the ears/brain) that I could not get rid of.

    At first I was so filled with such incredible anxiety and despair that I didn't know where to put myself, I couldn't escape from the constant noise in my head.
    I went to doctors and specialists looking for answers to this constant change that completely threw my (what I felt) was an incredible life.

    I went on to gain support from a forum whom specifically catered to tinnitus sufferers, with time I started to realise that I could possibly live an entire life with this and that my anxiety was feeding the fear etc. But I was soon to be struck down further.

    I developed an irritable bladder that doctors were not sure if or wasn't Intersistial Cystitis, further to that I also was starting to suffer from dry eye syndrome. Doctors told me that my body had/has been in such a state of fight or flight mode for too long that the lack of sleep (maybe four hours a night) is contributing to the downward spiral of my health issues.

    Anyways, over time since developing the tinnitus, bladder issues and finally detoriating dry eye syndrome, my anxiety (mildly suffered with prior to onset of health issues) has completely taken over my life. I don't want to even walk around without glasses on in fear of something further aggravating my eyes, loud noises to permamantly increase my tinnitus etc. etc.

    I have literally down spiralled into the universe of googling everything and anything related to health issues, doctors tried to diagnose me as suffering with "hypochondria"(which does sound extremely likely, but bare with me) - my fear is not to die, I have absolutely no fear in death itself, only suffering. Suffering with chronic health issues that hinder me having or living a normal and COMFORTABLE life, physically.

    I realise that if I put my ïssues"into a basket along with every other soul in this forum, I would then realise and most likely quickly take mine back. But, I came here for some kind of support or help, I am suffering daily with this anxiety and the very real health issues that came before.

    I apologise for such a long introduction and I apologise to anyone out there struggling with seriously life debilitating health conditions, but I really am on the verge of the thoughts of ending my own life. How can I live like this? What if my health conditions detoriate? what if I am stuck living with these issues and worse?

    Everyday I am petrified of these issues getting worse, increasing, something new coming along. The suffering that already does occur and the anxiety for the future are destroying me. I love my Mum so much and my partner is so incredibly loving and caring, I just don't want to leave them. But how can I live like this?

    I have tried multiple therapies, doctors, medication, natural therapies, CBT, mediatation etc. but unfortunately none of those things take the actual physical symptoms of my diagnosed/ undiagnosed health conditions away.

    I never suffered from anxiety before I developed these, only mildy about the regular things etc.

    I'm existing only now. Everyday I wake up in utter despair that the lord didn't take me in my sleep the night before.

    I am reaching out hoping that someone out there will reply and give me hope, or maybe you relate to any of my health conditions? I don't know, but any type of support will be so gratefully appreciated.

    I want to stay, I want to have a good full life, I know I have a good chance etc. But the dread and anxiety keep me up until almost 4am every night. I feel surrounded by all these people, yet I'm so alone.

    I hope that I can find some comfort here.

    Thanking anyone at all in advance.

    xxxx
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to SF, thats the standard opening dispensed with, but its sincere. We try to help and support each other through thick and thin, through all manner of issues and problems and just "be there" for each other. So hopefully, you feel you came to the right place.

    I have suffered tinnitus coupled with sensitive hearing for 8 1/2 years now after a bad viral infection. Its there, day and night, rain or shine. At totally random times, somehow the volume gets turned up in one ear or the other, or both and you can see me wince when it happens. Some days, my hearing is so sensitive every noise is multiplied by 10 and I have to ask people not to talk so loudly or stop shouting when they are just talking normally. I was told by someone a few years ago NOT to take any medication for the tinnitus as it would probably only make it worse. She has done a lot of study and research into the subject after suffering tinnitus and dizzyness all her adult life. If only I had listened!! Sure enough, medication made it worse!

    Its not always tinnitus either. It can be something known as Labyrinthitis which is something completely different, but one of its symptoms is ringing in the ears. Its what my official diagnosis is but no one has ever heard of it outside of the medical profession, but most people can relate to tinnitus. Even if Labs does clear up, you can still be left with tinnitus for months or years afterwards.

    I have other health issues that I wont bore you with here. Suffice to say that from being a very fit, active individual 8 1/2 years ago to being disabled and a virtual recluse is not something one adjusts to easily. Over the last 3 yrs, depression, anxiety and panic attacks have got steadily worse until I reached a point in March where I couldn't go on so tried to take my own life. I was in a coma for 7 days, on a psych ward blah blah blah. I also made a second attempt a couple of weeks later.

    I am trying to learn how to manage the anxiety, but it is not easy as I have to completely adjust the way I have thought about a lot of things for 50 odd years. I take various meds for the mental health issues, see a psych and do various group therapies. Nothing so far has managed to lift my mood to a point that is acceptable. Hence I ended up here, like you, searching for some empathy and looking for someone who might just be going through what I am going through or similar. I am so glad I found this place.

    There are sadly no easy answers, no simple cures, no miracles that will make it all go away. It takes time, effort and patience and even then, things might not change. So we laugh and we cry and we support each other and do what we can to get through each day. Trying to make sure we all stay safe is top of the list and often talking something through and getting another perspective helps achieve that.

    I am taking it one day at a time. I have very small, but hopefully realistic goals. Its baby steps, learning to do certain tasks again but in different ways. If I can do that, anyone can, but you cant do it on your own. So we are here for you, whenever you need us to be. Bitch and moan and shout and scream all you like, get rid of it all and even if it only makes you feel a tiny bit better, it means its not making anything worse and sometimes, that is the objective, not getting any worse.

    Take care and stay safe and I hope this helps a little. x
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Firstly don't worry about the post. The important thing is that you have posted your feelings here. We are a supportive group of people who care for anyone in the world hurting.

    Yes, your life is no doubt turned upside down and very much to deal with. I am sorry if this sounding horrible in anyway but I am really to give you empathy. When you reach rock bottom in your life you have no choice but to get through by overcoming any obstacles in your way. Well at least try your best.

    In many ways, treat each day as a new day and try to learn from your experience. Yes, you will hit highs and lows on various days. The start of the recovery is very hard but about dealing with one day at a time.

    Please keep posting as we can help you to deal with it as much as we can. We understand your feelings as you can realise from the posts that there are others like you here. So you realise you are among who understand your fillings from their own different circumstances.

    Take care and post important be safe.
     
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    @bobbob you might find this interesting.

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering.
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am in my 60's and often joke that I have reached the age where, if I blink, I will hurt something. But to be going through so much in your twenties is rough. I get the ringing in my ears, but only for short periods of time. I can't imagine what it would be like if it were constant. I do have dry eye and know it can be very uncomfortable. My bladder is okay but I have irritable bowel syndrome. I joke about my bowel habits and say it is just like a box of chocolates. I never know what I'm going to get. I find humor to be a wonderful help in dealing with all the ills that life throws our way. It doesn't always work. Especially when things are really bad. I also try and look at others. I have some dear friends in their nineties. They make what I am going through look like nothing. I guess what it really comes down to is, we all get crap thrown our way. And we all have to learn to deal with it the best we can. Please take care of yourself. Don't give up. Try researching treatments on the Internet. And see different doctors when you can.
     
  6. Sarah171

    Sarah171 Member

    I'm sorry you are struggling with these issues. I think the main goal is to keep searching for treatments. I know sometimes it seems like an endless struggle but new advancements in medicine are happening every day so don't give up! Remember too that you may find the right combination of treatments that will change your situation so keep trying things! Keep yourself busy by volunteering or finding hobbies as that may help get your mind off the constant worry. We're here for you ((hugs))
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello & welcome to the forum, I am sorry you are suffering so much but please remember you are not alone any longer, you have us. Keep using the tinnitus forum and I hope things will get better for you. Wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery. Feel free to PM me anytime you want :)
     
  8. AustralianAnxiety

    AustralianAnxiety New Member

    I would just like to start in saying a HUGE thank you to everyone whom has replied to my post, I am overwhelmed with the support and I honestly and crying reading all the amazing responses, I am so grateful.

    I can see that this is a place that people are kind and share what they can to help. I'm already seeing some light just from the feeling of having people who understand.

    I will continue to browse this forum and read how people cope and I can see there are others out there that suffer with the same and or similar health conditions!

    I am so sorry to those who do, @SinisterKid I am so sorry that that's happened, I won't take any medications now in fear of anything getting worse also. It's such a catch 22!

    @SillyOldBear i had to laugh a little at that, blink and break something lol, I can relate, even though I only suffer minutely compared to others.

    Thank you everyone whom responded I'm so grateful, I really am.

    Can I ask, anyone who is comfortable answering this question. What makes you all stay? What keeps you going when you feel like you could never see your life getting any better? I am sorry to ask such a personal question, but all I can think of is my family (especially my mum and partner) how if anything happened to me I'd be ruining their life also, I honestly would be at peace if my life were to end, I think about whether the other side would be physically amazing and I'd feel nothing but peace, hear nothing but peace, be nothing but peace.

    I'll continue to fight the fight. I know there are others worse off. X
     
  9. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    For the love of a little girl, is the only thing keeping me here
     
  10. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am ill, I understand that now. In March I knew about nothing on issues concerning mental health and had little empathy towards it or anyone suffering with mental health. So because I was not aware I was ill, I tried to take my own life because I could not see a way forward. I still cant, but I am getting help and I still have a glimmer of hope that something will change for the better. If it doesn't, then I have no idea where I will be in 12 months time, I cannot predict the future. So for now, here I am.

    It was my partner who found me, effectively dead, and I made a promise to her that I would try and stay alive. I am trying to honour that promise, but sometimes, its not the easiest task I have ever undertaken, thats for sure.

    Plus, like mox, I have a little lass [granddaughter] I love dearly and it would be nice to see her grow and develop into a adult if possible.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire and moxman like this.
  11. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I always seem to find a glimmer of hope that things will get better. Also, a very wise man (Viktor Frankl) wrote in his book, 'Man's Search for Meaning'. That if you only have one thing you still like or look forward to, you have what you need to rebuild a life. If you like watching the sun rise, or the feel of a cool breeze on a hot day, hang on to those and build on them. Frankl survived the Nazi concentration camps in WWII. He later became a psychiatrist. I do recommend his book. My faith also helps me keep going. It does not promise a trouble free life, but it does promise that God will help me through it.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Who moved my cheese book helped me gain some perspective.

    I got to change by moving out of my comfort zone and make life more bearable for me giving myself goals. Making a bucket list of stuff to gain better experience what life has to offer.
     
    bobbob likes this.