I have been counting how many pills I have and debating if it would be enough to do me in, and what if it's not and I just make myself sick, and worse yet, I am still alive. I am getting closer and closer to swallowing them, but I really don't want to, but I don't know what else to do! I think I should just swallow the whole lot of them and be done with it, I am so tired of the what if's, the crying, the suffering, the constant pain my soul feels, I just want it to end. And I just want someone to help me, but I feel so so so ashamed of reaching out for help at this point. I don't want to die, but I can't keep living like this, and I am so afraid to tell anyone in my life because deep down I am afraid there really is nothing anyone can do to make this better. I am so scared and confused. Why can't i just do it? Make up my fucking mind and do it. Or, pick up the god damn phone and call my doctor and ask him for help, because he always tells me that "he's there for me". Why is it so fucking hard? Life or death, it's all I think about now. I can't take it anymore.