All day long

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, May 9, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I have been counting how many pills I have and debating if it would be enough to do me in, and what if it's not and I just make myself sick, and worse yet, I am still alive. I am getting closer and closer to swallowing them, but I really don't want to, but I don't know what else to do! I think I should just swallow the whole lot of them and be done with it, I am so tired of the what if's, the crying, the suffering, the constant pain my soul feels, I just want it to end. And I just want someone to help me, but I feel so so so ashamed of reaching out for help at this point. I don't want to die, but I can't keep living like this, and I am so afraid to tell anyone in my life because deep down I am afraid there really is nothing anyone can do to make this better. I am so scared and confused. Why can't i just do it? Make up my fucking mind and do it. Or, pick up the god damn phone and call my doctor and ask him for help, because he always tells me that "he's there for me". Why is it so fucking hard? Life or death, it's all I think about now. I can't take it anymore.
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Is there any way you can get rid of the pills safely? Take them to a pharmacy or just put them in a safe place that is outwith your reach?

    You say yourself you don't want to die, that's why it's important not to have things like that around you. Because when you are feeling low you can sometimes act impulsively & do something you don't want to do.

    Why are you ashamed about asking for help? If you'd broke you leg you wouldn't hesitate in seeking treatment for it. It's the same with your mental health, just because it can't be 'seen' does not mean it's any less important than your physical health.

    I know it can be scary going to the Doctor & talking about how you feel, have you tried writing things down & taking that along with you?

    Big hugs :arms: xx
  3. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    You made a great point...What if you take the pills and get sick. What if you take them get sick and then change your mind anyway.
    You will have the Doctor asking why you didnt call him. Your friends asking why you didnt tell them...
    Yep, it's far less painful to throw the pills away.
    Then take action...whatever you live the life you want to. To make things change you have to change things. Follow your dreams, no not those bad dreams, the good ones that are underneath.
    If you're ready to throw it all away, throw it all away in a different way.
    People with depression never seem to realise that when you hit rock bottom the opportunity to change is far better and more powerful than the average man and woman has. So dust off those goals and aspirations, and dont give a shit about what people say. You wont be disappointed.
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Unbelievably, I went to the pharmacy and got MORE. I refilled the prescription and think I am going to do it. This is not me who is doing and thinking these things, this is some other entity that has taken over my brain. And it won't let me tell anyone how bad I feel because it doesn't want to be stopped and even if I did tell someone, I don't think it would help because it's all in my head, the pain and torment is in my brain, if it was any other organ, any other illness, people would help, they could treat it, provide some sort of relief, but this, this is just a slow painful death, and I would rather just get it over with. It's the constant torment that drives me to the edge, if it would remit even for a day I think I could make it, but it isn't, it is just always there, hounding me, beating me down, sucking all the pleasure, all the love and all the beauty out of life.
  5. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member


    I am sorry for all the pain you are in. It is a terrible place to be and I know that you've been here before. But I also remember that you eventually got out before of it and started feeling better.
    You said that "it's not me doing this". It sounds like it's the part of you that wants to die that is going to the pharmacy and counting pills. But then you say you that you don't want to tell anyone, cuz you don't want to be stopped. Well, you are telling us! And it seems that by telling us, you don't really want to do it. You've said that you just want the pain to end. I can understand that. But it really sounds like you do need some extra help right now. I know that you've said in the past that it's hard for you to ask for help and you are having a hard time asking right now. But why would you be telling us all this if you really wanted to go thru with it??
    I remember awhile back when you didn't think that you could call your DR/therapist and ask for help, but you did it. Tune in to the part of you that wants to live and remember how far you have come. I know the hospital sucks, but it may be the best right now.

    Stay with us, keep posting and letting your feelings out. You can make it thru this.

  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Please don't!!! You've got friends here to help you through this. Chances are the feelings will pass or you'll just end up puking them up and feeling ill. Keep venting and posting, we're here for you.
  7. Advent

    Advent Well-Known Member

    Hello Swimmergirl.

    Well having been in the same situation as you, I would strongly advise that you DO NOT take them, why?. Well for one its really not much fun having your stomach pumped, been there done that and I wont be doing it again and secondly I dont like hospital I was in there for two weeks.

    I too was counting my pills just the other week, in fact its why I came back here after 12 months away. And i`m glad I did too, yes we all feel shit most of the time - hell I do anyway, but to take a load of pills again is just not right, it really isnt. I hope you have the strength to pull through this one I really do, if you feel like a heart to heart please PM me.

  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am so scared and tired, and don't know what to do. Obviously, I still don't have the guts to do it, but I wish I did every time I find myself crying, or just feeling like I don't matter, nothing matters, then I start to think I could do it, and it wouldn't be so bad.

    And yes, I am ambivalent about it. I reach out here because it helps me feel like someone is listening and can relate and therefore it provides me with some evidence that I am not completely alone, but then I look around and there is no one in my life that is here, that I trust, that cares. I told my mother how I was feeling, I even told her about methods I considered, and she did nothing to help me last Sunday. Tuesday I reached out to a friend, who called the cops on me because she thought I tried something, even though I was just at work minding my own business. It was at that moment that I knew that I was truly alone in this world and would have to cope with this pain on my own, one way or another.

    What has pushed me over the edge is that my stupid fucking insurance puts a cap on my outpatient visits for mental health, but not inpatient. I have run out of outpatient visits and I don't know what I am going to do without being able to see my therapist and psychiatrist anymore. That scares me so much, I was doing so much better with there help and now I have lost that as well. And finally, I will be out of a job come June 30th. So, there is really not a whole lot to live for anymore. I just want to die and be done. The problem is, I am still fucking here.

    I think though I am getting closer to being less uncertain about death, it seems like the most humane thing I could do for myself if I cant get proper treatment and if I continue to feel this badly, what is the point? Who is to say that this suffering is not the same as someone who is suffering from a terminal disease? Only the person suffering knows that.

    There are a few more people I need/want to say goodbye to before I do this, and then I will be ready, I hope.
  9. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    There have been a lot of discussions as to self-determination lately. We understand your pain...believe me. I read hundreds of posts. We are all here for help and to help others. I see you've been around awhile, so you already know all this. We cannot know exactly how you're feeling but please give it more time. Maybe there's a way for you to get outpatient help.

    If you're in the U.S. most states have programs where you have to pay very little, or nothing. If, you are in Europe, I know many countries there also have programs. Please continue to post at least, and let us by your therapists...some of us are pretty good listeners and offer sound advice.
  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Help me please, someone help, i am so tired of fighting.
  11. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    Don't give up. You have some options. I know that it probably seems like you don't have any fight left in you, but I think that you do. I don't think that you want to die.

    Consider the hospital. At least in there you could get some rest and let others help you. All the burden of taking care of yourself wouldn't just be on you.

    You've been in similar situations before and you've made it thru. Don't give up now.

    Stay in touch. We are here for you.
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