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All ends in silence...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo, Jun 17, 2011.

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  1. Angelo

    Angelo Banned Member

    Well... this is my first post in this forum that i write about myself.. i've been here for a while, since before easter, i've spend most of the time on this site in the chat rooms so i could meet the sort of people who come here more faster.

    This post isn't meant to ask for your self, i know that i'm FUBAR (google it), i'm perfectly aware that my life is a total loss and i chose to write this as a written legacy of Angelo, basically showing my miserable life so people might understand why i chose to end it... someday, rather than try in vain to help.

    So this is my life...

    I'm a 21 year old guy, i live in Romania, never finished high school, i live with my parents... well mostly my mom since dad left to another town for work and from time to time my sisters comes here and drives me to insanity..but that's another story.

    As you've probably guessed it, i'm depressed 100%, i'm as down with everything as you can imagine... no social life, no friends, no job, i don't even talk with my parents anymore since i've got nothing to tell them. I just spend all day long, and i mean all day, literally 12+ hours in front of the PC listening/watching/reading stuff...and go to sleep..then wake up and go to the PC again and again. And before you tell me i should go outside more for walks trust me that doesn't help me anyway... if any i get muscle fever because i'm fat and don't excercise.. meh.. who needs a healthy body if your soul is dead...

    I'm not really agorophobic.. i just don't find anything to do outside..to me my city is no different than a plain field of nothingness.. i just think that everything around me is dead and worthless for me to explore. I've been like this for more than 6 years.. sometimes i think i've been like this all my life since my childhood was horrible and was a main factor in what i've become today.

    I firmly believe nothing can help me... i don't trust meds... they are just a form of getting you addicted so they dry you out of money.. well i don't generally believe that but it's a theory of mine.. basically i don't trust anything since there's more than any medicine can do to help me so i just think it's a waste of money. I've only been to a doctor 2 times... and both of them were unexpected.. i didn't know i was going to one and so my first instinct was to lie myself out of there.. told them everything is fine so they would let me leave as soon as possible... and i believe that it was some years and when i wasn't in such a desperate state so it was easier for me.

    And yeah i don't believe in doctors since they would only tell me things i'm already aware and they can't really help me beyond petty self motivating advice about making yourself do something to have more self confidence and such...

    I really have no desire to live on... there's nothing to life for in this world for me... i don't want to have a family... at all.. well even if i wanted to i could never find a wife dumb enough (women readers please put down your knives) to choose me. It's basic knowledge that females choose both attractive (which i'm not) and secured men (financially and so forth) in order to have a good and successful life... that's how basically evolution works..the strongest male in any pack gets the prize...

    From a normal point of view i'm just a parasite who just exists.. that's it.. i have no contribution to anything, in a normal society it would be legal.. even more advised for me to commit suicide or cease to exist since i have no purpose in life and thus i have no reason to be.

    I guess i'll stop here for now since i don't know what else to write about... and maybe i'll continue later if i find anything else to write about my worthless life...
  2. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Angelo,

    I can understand what you are currently feeling, it probably hurts a lot - you're feeling hopeless, helpless and desperate.

    Before i go further i want you to take two deep breaths, breath in from your nose, count to 10 and then breath out from your mouth - do this twice.

    All of us pass through difficult times in life and happy times in life, the important thing to remember is that whatever happened it can be dealt with. It might sound easy to say and difficult to get it done, I understand this feeling but believe me it's not as hard as you think it is.

    Taking Anti-Depressant medicine will actually help you a lot, I understand the reasons you don't want to take medicine as i had the exact same problem. However from my past experience the medicine will help you increase your resources to cope with the problem. Unlike what you have maybe heard you won't be taking medicine your whole life, you'll just take medicine for a small period of your life; until your coping resources are increased and balance out or are more than your pain.

    I want you to take a couple of moments and think about this:

    Suicide is not the solution, you may think that by suiciding you will be relieved from pain, relief is a feeling and you need to be alive in order to be able to feel. You will not feel this relief once you take your life.
  3. Booya

    Booya New Member

    First off a parasite is only a label. One could argue that drug dealers are parasites sucking money out of people with no regard for their mental or physical well being. The users don't see it because their on drugs. Not to mention these people don't pay income tax like people who make their money the proper way.

    Don't let labels or what society determines as successful determine what you want in life or if you're happy.

    You're still young being only 21 life can easily turn around if you want it bad enough. There's no need to throw the towel in when there's hope left.

    If you can think of all of the people who have it worse off then you such as those in second or third world countries. What some of those people would do to have the opportunity or chances that you do. Change starts with being grateful for what you do have not what you don't have.

    Be strong and positive, good luck.
  4. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Hoasis,

    Today life may be bad/miserable/negative/lonely however this can and will be improved.

    Relief is a feeling, as such in order to be able to feel this relief you need to be alive - this relief you will feel when your coping resources exceed or are equal to with your pain.

    Suiciding is like giving up, i want you to think for a while some of the achievements you have made.
  5. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    Hello again! What I mean is that for some people, things wont improve much, and basically you will live a lonely miserable life. Me for example, I am lonely, depressed, suicidal because of the person I am, not because I am in a difficult situation right now. So what is going to change for me, my personality overnight? I have always been ingoing, anti social, no humour etc...so for me I know I will not be happy...then suicide IS the best option..but of course, people are different and are struggling with different things...I just hate reading about people committing suicide in a desperate situation that would have improved in a few months
  6. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    BTW Angelo are you still with us? Hope you are doing ok....I feel your pain:sigh::sigh:
  7. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Hoasis,

    I want to help you more, as i want to help each and every member of this website and of any website. Having said that can we continue our discussion in another thread or via PM so that we leave this thread for the OP? I hope you understand why i am saying this!
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Angelo - sorry to see have such a low opinion of yourself - you speak about the drug companies wanting us addicted - but other forces at play want us to have low opinions of ourselves - my guess is the world can better ruled if we are all either ignorant or we are depressed.

    But that's just my view - either way there are forces at play in this world which impact on our lives and well-being and that of our community and nation perhaps.

    A lot of people feel insignificant. I ask people about such things - not pushing anyone one way or the other because I'm not a politician or some religious ding-bat on the lookout for a quick swindle.

    I know all about depression myself - not to be big-headed but with a few decades under the belt I think I've done ok. A part of me is still a little bit FUBAR - on paper I'm a failure as I don't own my own house. Society judges people on the face value of wealth accumulated. I have different values than society - I see 'success' in terms of how much I can help others - or to make people feel happier.

    As for your own situation - you really are raising the whip hand on your own self. You have the right to be critical of your life - perhaps re-assess it from time to time - but sometimes we need others to look at it - because our life is a bit like a painting - we need others to 'see' it for it to start to mean anything.

    The short summary of your own so far - has a few misfortunes there - but aged 21 you are just starting out in life. So what if you never finished high school? Education is sometimes easier when you are a little bit more mature - you have opportunities I'm sure with EU funded courses on this and that. I live in a poor area of the UK and we still get funds for certain educational schemes. I actually landed a job after working on one of them.

    Although spending 12 hours on a computer is perhaps too much - it brings benefits IF you learn some things - especially software that might be useful in jobs. If you like art for example - you could even land some qualification if you keep looking for free courses or grants via EU grants.

    As for not believing in doctors - dude, its not like religion were you have a choice! Sure, individual doctors are maybe idiots - but doctors and medicine is a science - and a good or half decent doctor would deduce from you that you were depressed.

    Depression is science. We will soon crack it wide open - show the world the basic biological, chemical and electric processes which can make a person suicidal. But even so, the help right now is pretty good - we are at stage were depression is 'officially' real. Most educated people accept this to be so which means only the ignorant are of the opinion it does not exist or that it s exaggerated.

    Of course, to fight depression does take some effort on our behalf. We have to really want to be rid of it. Many settle into a mindset which dictates they will never be free of depression - depression tends to make us exaggerate any 'failings' and ignore or dismiss any positives.

    You say you won't go out for a walk - as it will hurt your muscles! You say you are overweight also and still don't see any point to losing weight and shaping your muscle. The main reason most men go the gym is down to a bit of vanity for sure - but for the main part men go to the gym to get rid of stress - especially men who might otherwise be working in some less physically demanding occupation.

    I'm not a big fan of exercise myself - but I know with 100% certainty that someone like yourself would benefit immensely with exercise. At the least you could get a cheap bicycle and get a bit of fresh air that way.

    Staying in should be something you do in your spare time - your chill out time as it were. You've just settled into a routine which whilst it might be depressing it also becomes a comfort zone in which we are protected. Staying in becomes like a kind of agoraphobia or a social phobia - it has the same effect which is to limit then eventually cut off ties with the outside world.

    Not socialising makes you less able to socialise. You don't develop the complex skill-sets we have at our disposal. For example, when I spent a lot of time going to pubs and clubs - I became more at ease with the environment - and was able to read the danger signs more easily (fights happening, women who flirt with you to annoy some weight lifting doorman boyfriend) I was also able to converse with anyone - and generally get along with anyone which is easy to do if you don't take yourself too seriously.

    Not talking to your parents - its sad really that this happening in every nation (almost) as children generally stay upstairs with their own entertainment. Even so - its your depression making you less vocal - we feel down and we are hardly the conversationalist of the year! We become less communicative - which is a shame because happiness usually entails us having lines of communication with various people.

    Spending time in your own company, due to depression, is a real soul destroying aspect of the illness and one we can do something about.

    Right now your life is wake up - eat the cereal, turn on the computer and carry on through the day with breaks for meals, toilet and shower and so on. Sleeping 12 hours, aged 21, is a sign of depression - a classic sign as our body almost comes up with the sleep to combat the depression.

    If you carry on like this - you'll become less confident, and less physically fit. Your mental health will deteriorate - and you'll be simply 'surviving' rather than living. This is no way to live - you don't deserve it and what's more you got to set aside your own prejudice about mental illness and depression. I don't know what you are taught in Romania - but trust me - you have an illness - likely to be found in DNA (We are cracking that code) and its a fact that some anti depressants do work.

    As for expense, I'm not sue if Romania has a health system which subsidises poorer people, I imagine so and it would do no harm to find out. IF this is difficult in Romania - maybe you could go to another EU nation and register with a doctor there and get treatment that way. There is work here and there - you might find a spell away from home would be ideal to tackle depression.

    In the meantime - bear in mind what you think about yourself is years of constant negativities in which you pass yourself off as a loser and somehow undeserving. You were born on this Earth - and as a human being have intrinsic rights. If the world cannot find us all work - then they have to pay for us to exist because every other creature in the world is born into a world in which their every need is catered for.

    You say you have nothing - yet as a human being - as a son to your father and mother and brother to the annoying sister (hey, I got one of those also, but I love her) You are things which are yet to be determined because at age 21 you are still young - and it is not unusual for someone your age to live with parents and be unemployed. We are an army of millions - it is not our fault if work is not there.

    So please try to get some help - see a doctor and also set aside time to put some ORDER in your life - little by little, touch by touch. No 1 is exercise - I hear you saying its not your thing - so make it your thing. I'm not talking about anything costly - it costs nothing to walk a few miles - its costs a few Euro for a cheap bicycle. Exercise will put some oxygen in the brain - clear out the lungs and make you sweat a few toxins out. You also get to meet people - even if its just in passing.

    You could look to getting work with a view to carrying on education as you work. Like I say there are EU funded courses in Romania ECDL here and I'm sure you'll find other qualifications out there. Studying at home is just as good as university for some of us at least.

    Finally - as for your views about women - you put forward that woman usually seek attractive men who have good careers. Gold-digging women generally look for that - if they are attractive they know that its easy to grab a man's attention. However, no man wants to marry a gold digger - and thankfully not every women is that way inclined.

    When you get yourself a bit better - a few months of exercise will see you a different man - but medication might be the key towards lifting this fog of depression so you can have the energy to get out each day.

    After a long walk - you will be more inclined to have a quick chat with the folks - sit ans watch TV for a while - exchange pleasantries because you never know if your mother and father will there next year.

    With more confidence in your own self - I'm sure your views on women will alter about 0.001 milliseconds after a kiss. If the chemistry is right then that particular feeling is almost the pole opposite to the downright misery of depression.

    It is worth fighting. The rewards are beyond priceless.

    Here's wishing you happiness, love and companionship. What path you take in life is up to you - but know that the people around, even us here as yet strangers - can see things better than yourself.

    After all, who of us, when shrouded in the dark shadows of depression, was able at that time to see any glimmer of hope?

    Regards from England.
  9. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    Sometimes you don't know your own potential until the right situation or the right person brings it out in you. I don't believe that you have no humour, no good personality traits and so on. Because I used to think that about myself, but then I found that that was depression, not my personality. I met certain people that I connected with, and I felt like I grew a bit as a person because of it. And it turned out I had a lot of personality traits that I didn't even know I had. Of course, if you're lonely, and spend your days inside not meeting anyone, you're not going to grow as a person. You have to take risks, put yourself in new situations in order to do that. And I know that is the last thing a person wants to do when they feel like you do now.

    You're very young, and 21 is a bit early to give up on life. You can have the life that you want for yourself if you decide that it's worth fighting for. What exactly do you think would make you happy with life?
  10. Bellyoush

    Bellyoush Member

    From one suicidal person to another, if you've never taken anti depressants, you should. Why you ask? Because they help. They helped me for years until they stopped working, but it will give you time, it would relieve your pain, even if it won't take it away completely. The fact that you are here means you want relief, and I really really think it would give it to you. Please consider going to a psychiatrist, because you have options, real ones, why not go for it? What have you got to lose?
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