all for you

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by thelast, Jul 12, 2011.

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  1. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i was already haveing a bad day yesterday yesterday so i was cutting, but i woke up feeling better, but my ex fiance mailed me out of the blue to tell me that she just gave birth to her daughter
    i cant do this, its so hard to be here, that was supposed to be my baby
    i'm the only person in the world that gets cheated on by their fiance, denied thier existance, beat up by thier fiance, attempts suiced, then left in a pool of blood by her with her new boyfriend and they dont call an ambulance, all in the same night
    and i still love her, it happend in 2008 and i still have staples in my stomach cuz it freaks me out when doctors or anyone touches me, i really am a peice of shit, i cut tonight for you baby
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't a piece of shit. :hug: Here if you want to talk.
     
  3. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    You are far from a piece of shit. I can relate to you. I know what it's like to have your existence denied, then have them showing off the future that was supposed to be yours. You can't blame yourself for this. If someone treated you like that then they are amongst the worst that humanity has to offer. But not everyone is the worst. We are here to help you, no matter how bad it gets. I'm here if you ever need to talk :)
     
  4. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    im shaking in the library right now, i was up all night burning and cutting, and now i happen to see hur with him in public like the odds-its like some force wants me to die i have a razor in my mouth im goin to the park am i the only one? will they remember they love me when im gone or that im human too? XXXXXX and XXXXXX i feel for you maybe you get me right now but no one on earth does
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2011
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hope you come back and let us know how you're doing!
     
  6. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    its been three years since that happend, it took me so long to trust someone and shes like me, shes been there,

    i heard she hooked up with my cousin last night, so i go by her house and there they are, busted, and they dont care, ive never tried choking myself until last night, i used a belt, ceiling fan was too low and i just wanted to go to sleep, so i just choke my self with it until i fell forword
    i bought some sleepy pills this morning, i'll take them when i get home, why does always happen? i've only given my heart to 2 people in my life and it ended like this both times

    please kill me

    i wanna feel better when i read your comments i really do but in the end they're just words on a screen, i wanna feel love, i wanna feel that i'm not alone, this isnt working, im so dizzy
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you feel alone, and words on a screen can't always make that feeling go away. Here if there's anything I can do. :hug:
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry that things are so painful right now. you arent a piece of shit, as you said. But I know you probably will not believe my words. I am sorry that your heart has been so very crushed. :hugtackles: for you.
     
  9. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i really need you guys, i've been filling up two bags a day of my stuff and just throwing them away, getting ready, so many things that meant a lot to me are in the trash now and i cant belive it

    my mom is on my cousins side and she hurt me, she was drunk and i can tell she regrets saying some of those things, but the damage is done, i didnt want to hang myself in my room cause i didnt want any of my family to find me, but now i dont care since the feeling's mutual

    XXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2011
  10. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i've been staying inside, afraid to see them, and my nice just moved here and she has a friend already that lives by the park, so i walked her there, i was paranoid the whole time, and ten feet from my front door when i thought i made it home safe, they pop up, and it hurts so bad, my cousin just starring at me, taunting me, and i just cant live like this, i started bawling and punching myself in the room, then i was so ready, i mean ususally i just burn or choke myself, but now thats not enough, my friend erica stopped me from hanging myself, i didnt wannna see her cry

    i woke up this morning from a dream about her and i just layed in bed crying, i had high hopes yesterday, but i just feel like this is the end, i have a lot of things to say, but theres not an ounce of hate in my body, i'm gonna write the first page of my leaving note, i just hope people will treat people better and aknowledge that we are all human with real feelings and - im getting corny, cya later
     
  11. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Can't you move away? So you won't have to keep meeting them. I feel bad for you. Take care. :console:
     
  12. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i've been thinkin of packing up and moving to santa cruz lately, i know SF better, but i couldnt make it on the streets of the bay at night

    thank you guys though for everything
     
  13. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    im so scared guys, im shaking like hell, i went to go get some dog food, and there he is, mugging me, smiling cause he has her, and i'm really trying hard to be here i really am, but this is no way to live, i'm afraid to be in my room cuz i'll burn and choke myself, then when i go outside i see them and my attacks start and i dont wanna burn or choke, but i want to die

    i know you guys are tired of hearing this shit, but it happens everyday, i just feel like i'm gonna go all the way through with it when my friend isnt there to stop me, shes checked on me everyday, and she wants me to go out, but then this happens, and i apollagize for bothering you guys like this but i dont know what to do other than tell people how i feel hoping some one will understand me and treat people better

    if i give you guys my name, that's when you'll know
     
  14. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    We are here to listen, give advice, sounding board, don't apologize for coming on here. Were here to help. Keep safe, I know this may sound stupid, but if you get a bowl of water and ice and stick your head in it, it does actually make you think of something else for at least a few minutes. I cut so I try to not to by distractions. Wish you much better luck.

    kmj221
     
  15. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Find something to distract yourself or stay outside somewhere that has less chances of meeting them.

    Though I seriously think you should get away from them if you can't face them. Is there a friend/relative you can stay a few days with? So you can calm down at least.

    btw your friend is really nice. It's good to know someone is keeping you safe. take care!
     
  16. spailpin

    spailpin Active Member

    I kow what it feels like to have your heart stomped on by someone. . I hurts. .like no other hurt in the world. . .but I also know that it does get better. . .it takes time . . .and thats' the hard part. . giving yourself the time to heal, , and you willl. . .do what yo have to do. . avoid them . . avoid it. . move away. . .hold up with friends. . buy the time it takes to heal. . know that you will. . .
     
  17. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i seen her without him yesterday, she saw me and ran in front of her friends to hide, what the hell, what did i do to her? i just went home and burned, i've never let the metal sit that long on my skin, it turned so black before it peeled off, then my eyes got blurry and i fell over, thats how i numb

    of cousre i didnt sleep, i dont take pills cause i dont wanna get hooked, so i try other things but they dont work, i havent choked with the belt in a while, i'll try that tonight

    my leg didnt start hurting till right now, my tolerence for pain is gettin kinda scary, burning isnt enough anymore
     
  18. thelast

    thelast Active Member

    i've been doing okay for a while, then out of the blue she taps at my window,
    i ask if she's okay
    she says she quit doing drugs and she realized i was the only one that cared about her
    like when all that stuff was happening, i refused to eat, i would just work out, or choke myself- whatever would help me get tired enough to stay asleep, but my cousin has bee tellin people that i've been doin meth so that's why i lost weight, what the hell? like why even say some bullshit like that? you got the girl, why go out of your way to hurt me

    she doesnt understand how hurt i was about what she did, and she expected me to act like nothing ever happend, but i told her i think it would be the best for both of us if we didnt talk, and she was mad
    she said a lot of bullshit, and it hurt, then i started to walk away and she said- "fine, walk away, now we're EVEN"
    even? no even would be you feeling like such shit that you tried to hang yourself threetimes, made a will, choked yourself at night to sleep, burned the fuck out of your legs, and for me to fuck someone in your family in your best freinds bed- then we would be half even (i never said that to her, i didnt want to hurt her feelings) but that really got to me, but it ended with me punching myself hella times, it wasnt that bad though, you couldnt even tell 2 days later, but the next day was her birthday, and i saw her with a friend so i bought them shakes and smiled, didnt wanna ruin her day ya know?

    but i feel so terrible now, it took me so long to feel the way i did with it, and now she just pops back in the picture and stirs my shit up again - ONLY cuz he did her wrong and i was a last resort and she just wanted me to paint something for her birthday, what the hell am i? i havent cut, or burned, or choked, but i'm leaning towards it, i think i'm really gonna have to move

    gotta go
     
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