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All I do hurt the people I love

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sickanon2

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't know how my boyfriend hasn't broken up with me yet. I'm always obsessing and stressing out about the stupidest things. I'm also extremely neurotic and self-centred, especially when it comes to obsessing over my appearance. I have made his life (and mine) miserable since this lockdown started. Even though I apologise and feel full of guilt and disgust after each incident, I never learn, and my behaviour never changes. I think the only reason he hasn't broken up with me yet is because we live together, and it would be difficult for us both to find new places due to the COVID-19 situation. I used to behave the same way towards my mother when I lived at home, who tolerated my mood swings out of love. But nobody should have to put up with someone toxic like me in their lives. All I do is make myself and everyone around me miserable. I wish I could erase myself from existence.

He has just stepped out the door of our apartment without saying a word to me. I'm worried he won't want to come back.
 
#2
I'm sorry *sadhug
on the positive, at least you can recognize the areas you need to work on, that's good, a lot of people behave in not-so-great ways and aren't even self-aware. There's still time to work on improving yourself, for your own good, and for those you love. Could you make some sort of action plan on how to combat it? Discuss if with your boyfriend maybe, to prove that you're taking it seriously and don't want to hurt him? It should give him hope and help a bit.
It's a bit more understandable with lockdown though, everyone is stressed and more agitated than usual, your boyfriend should cut you some slack for that, I doubt he's perfect?

good luck ♥
 

sickanon2

Well-Known Member
#3
I'm sorry *sadhug
on the positive, at least you can recognize the areas you need to work on, that's good, a lot of people behave in not-so-great ways and aren't even self-aware. There's still time to work on improving yourself, for your own good, and for those you love. Could you make some sort of action plan on how to combat it? Discuss if with your boyfriend maybe, to prove that you're taking it seriously and don't want to hurt him? It should give him hope and help a bit.
It's a bit more understandable with lockdown though, everyone is stressed and more agitated than usual, your boyfriend should cut you some slack for that, I doubt he's perfect?

good luck ♥
I have always had good self awareness (in hindsight) but it's not enough. I would change if I could, but I don't know how. And it's not my boyfriend's job to fix me. I have always been like this, the lockdown has just amplified it. My boyfriend is a well adjusted balanced person, who has his flaws well under control. Any time there's an argument or unhappiness in our home my behaviour is always the cause. I feel like I am broken beyond repair, and I regret moving in with him and inflicting myself on him 24/7. I appreciate you trying to help, but I feel that people like me are better off keeping their toxic selves as far from others as possible. I am starting to think that the best thing I can do is isolate myself as soon as possible.
 

Lifeisthis

Well-Known Member
#5
You are not intentionally trying to hurt anyone. Maybe you can work with someone to teach you strategies to help you when you have these mood swings.
 
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