All I do is cry...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by curtn34, Dec 26, 2011.

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  1. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I have posted here before but my situation hasn't really changed and may have gotten worse. I have just graduated college and moved back in with my parents indefinitely. Everything is a mess. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And it's all I can think about for almost 2 months now. And it makes me incredibly sad. I don't really have friends here at home, due to my social anxiety in high school, and I haven't had a job since 2007 for the same reason. So, I just sit here. I do have one friend here but its a pain for me to see him and he's not free that often either. So, most of the time, I just sit in my home with nothing to do. I'm afraid of the world.

    I have a car but driving anywhere scares me as I get lost easily and am a terrible driver. Driving anywhere alone gives me horrible anxiety. I'm scared of doing everyday tasks like pumping gas or getting money out of an ATM machine and similar things because of their unfamiliarity to me. This is because my parents have been overbearing and have done everything for me my entire life. So, I fear the unknown I suppose, and I fear being judged by others. This almost disables me from doing anything alone. These fears have gotten much much better and slowly decreased since high school but they still have a hold on me. As I said, I have no job and I don't know what to do with my life. This has made it incredibly hard for me to look for jobs. And in the searching I have done I have just gotten confused and overwhelmed.

    I'm incredibly unhappy. Yesterday for Christmas grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all came over. It helped a little. I appreciate that I have family. Family does not bring happiness on it's own though, one needs more than that. I actually cried in the shower yesterday for ten minutes straight. And not the kind of relieving cry that makes you feel better after, this was the kind of cry that I had to force to end. My parents just went out shopping actually today and the second I knew I was home alone, I started crying again. Speaking of family, I fight with them all the time, because I'm unhappy which just makes me irritable and kind of a jerk. There's a lot more that I could say, but I'm sick of feeling alone and useless. I just wanna kill myself. Desperately almost. It's a bit of a fantasy for me. I'm just scared of failing. Or scared of feeling pain. We have some guns in this house. They are in a safe though and I don't know the code. I don't know what to do anymore. Life is too fucking hard.
  2. Jeremiah1

    Jeremiah1 New Member

    It's easy to look at life the way you are. But you really have to understand how much opportunity there really is in life. Think about what you've experienced so far, and how much there is to experience. I guarantee the second list is a thousand times larger. I'm sure there are some things that you would like to do but never could or some things you would like to see but haven't. Set goals and strive hard to complete them. And everyday, think about these goals and what you can do that day to accomplish them.

    For your job, think about what you enjoy doing. It's cliche, I know. But true. Dedicate some serious time to thinking about what you could see yourself doing for a long period of time. And start jumping into it. Sometimes occupying yourself helps a lot. And as for driving and other daily tasks, take little steps to get better and more comfortable with them. Life is short, but not that short. You have time to take things slow.

    Things really are in how you look at them. A little optimism goes miles. I know it's easier said than done, but yet again, take little steps to viewing the world in a new light. Things will only start getting better when you let them. If you are feeling alone, you know there is a huge community of people here just waiting to help you including myself. PM's are always welcomed.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sorry your anxiety is getting in the way of you being happy You need to get help to get that to go away therapy meds whatever but get help okay Can you join a group a class that would just bring you joy something you like This way you could meet new people new friends. You can always pm me as well hun okay Your not alone now hugs
  4. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    before i post something i got some questions , what is your gender , what is the gender of the person you love, where is this person? how did you meet this person?
  5. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    The thing is, I'm too scared to even start learning how to do certain things, especially on my own. I'm almost afraid to leave the house, because I would have nowhere to go. I wish I lived in a place with reliable and easy public transportation. It would be so much simpler and easier for me. I haven't left my house since Saturday. I have nowhere to go, nobody to see, and nothing to do and my anxiety is preventing me from jumping into the car and going out alone. Mostly because of my anxiety with driving. I feel kinda trapped right now. I've applied to a few retail jobs but have heard nothing back yet. I barely have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Suicide is a bit of a fantasy right now.

    And in response to the last poster, I am male, the person I love is male and he is about 10 minutes away from where I live and we met online first but met in person shortly thereafter.
  6. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    hmm damn if it was a lady i could help you moar but still can offer advice. well is this dude in a relationship with someone if so , the only thing you can pretty much do is just contact him and ask to hang around at first then move foward one step at a time , be funny keep his ass laughing , its one thing i learned from a friend when i want a lady he said " keep them laughing and happy then they'll start to take a liking to you " .

    get in shape since you have some free time , do it inside your room , do push up sit ups and buy some weights . bet that dude will take a liking to you a little faster if you had some muscles , dont have to be MR.Olympia .

    for the being afraid of all things , well f - it , you have to leave the birds nest sometime . its OK to get lost then you can walk it home and next time you're lost in the same place you can go " oh i know where i am " then drive or walk it home. walk or drive some blocks away have a look around then drive or walk home . hell take up graffiti if you have nothing to do, then go out , tag every wall you can and walk around and get familiar but try not to get caught.

    what did you study in college?

    as for the job yeah that's a tough one just apply everywhere , call back and check up on the places you really want in on . create a resume , since you've been outta work for sometime now , instead of putting in the date you last work was several years ago , put you worked here and here , leave the date out of when was the last time you worked and just put down what you did , what you accomplished , how high in level of position you got in . if you didn't get that high , well just put that you up sold things , give some info don't know what you did but if you were in @ the register put down that and any other stuff you have knowledge of .
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Curtn34,
    I know how it is to be afraid of doing things.. I haven't worked for the last 9 or 10 years..I have social anxiety and agoriphobia..I also hate driving.. I have to be really careful because my mind wanders..Then I end up speeding..I'm surprised I haven't gotten a ticket yet..All I can tell you is get out therte and try.. The more years pass you will find it harder and harder to accomplish this..I wish you the best..
  8. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    If anyone is out there I could really use someone to talk to right now. i really want to die. I want to do it this weekend. I just need to find a way. I just need someone to talk to.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Curtn34 keep posting hun okay let your pain out put it here in words okay. You want the darkness the sadness to end yes so please reach out and get that support that help you need to survive hun. Talk to your doctor someone okay a professional that can and will give you the help you need to keep going
  10. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello, I am sorry you are struggling so.

    Perhaps you could set a small goal. A walk around the block. A drive to the library.

    You could print out a map from the internet on how to get to the library and keep it with you so you know you wont get lost.

    Or anything really to start. Take small steps, its hard I know. I have trouble getting out of the house myself.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are. We also have a 24/7 chatroom here. You can come and just be with people, you don't have to talk, but you most surely can if you like.

    Just a few thoughts, respectfully given.
  11. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I really can't do it anymore I'm sick of being alone and not having any friends. I'll never make friends. I might find a job but until then I'll be alone and if I get lucky I MIGHT make friends at my job but waiting for that to happen is too much for me to handle and I need something to happen right now. I think I'll just take every bottle of pills I can find in my house until I can't anymore.
  12. vir

    vir Well-Known Member

    But if you do that, you might end up restrained in the hospital with liver failure, in all the pain you're in now plus some.

    How long have you been this depressed?

    Don't do it. Download My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and watch it. It's the most concentrated source of joyfulness I know of.
  13. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Then I need to find a gun or something.

    I've been this depressed for about 2 or 3 months now. But I've been depressed since about middle school. So for about 10 years. Most of it comes from being alone.
  14. vir

    vir Well-Known Member

    You know that congresswoman gabrielle gifford? She was shot in the head and lived. But now she has a really hard time talking, and who knows how many other problems.

    Being alone sucks. But at least you don't want to be alone. That's always a good sign. It means if you take steps toward fixing that, your depression could let up. Of course, taking steps toward doing anything can be all but impossible when you're really depressed.

    Are you on any medication? It never did any good for me, but lots of people claim it's helped them.
  15. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'd make absolute certain that didn't happen to me.

    Of course I don't want to be alone, I never did, and I've always tried not to. It is impossible to be quite honest. I'm too old to make the kind of friends that I need in my life in order for me to be okay.

    I'm not on any medication, no. I used to take Zoloft but then I went off it. I have no desire to take medication to feel okay when I know what it is that I really need. I am also on medication for my asthma and I dislike the idea of taking multiple pills per day.

    If I get the guts I might kill myself this weekend. I can't live with being alone on yet another New Years.
  16. vir

    vir Well-Known Member

    How old are you? I was 27 and had no friends when I went back to grad school, and made a whole bunch of friends. Of course, that had a lot to do with the fact that I was using illegal drugs that made me more sociable, so maybe I'm a bad example.

    But lots of people have to make new friends, all the time, like when they move into a new town or change jobs.

    Taking medications kind of sucks, but wanting to kill yourself is much worse.
  17. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'm 22. There is really no situation for me where I could make any friends. My social anxiety prevents me from even leaving the house without plans most of the time as well. I wish I could move to a new town and start over, then it would be easier, but here I just feel completely trapped and unable to get out there. Also, taking medications does suck and that's why I refuse to do it. Suicide seems more appealing than forcing myself to get used to my unhappiness and not having what I need in lie.
  18. vir

    vir Well-Known Member

    Yeah, and there are medications out there that will do a lot toward helping social anxiety. When you feel better, you can come out of your shell more easily. I think you may not really understand the potential benefits of medication.

    Also, if you're in a state that allows medical marijuana, that can really help with social anxiety, at least it has for me. Plus, stoners are really friendly, sociable, easygoing people, and a lot of fun to be around.

    edit: also, if you die, that will mean this guy is implicitly winning:!
  19. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Surprisingly I actually appreciate your sense of humor vir.

    That said, you are hitting home on a certain point and that is that the only reason that I haven't killed myself is because I'm deathly afraid of failing and things getting even worse. I just want to die though. Everything hurts and I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  20. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I think I might do it tonight. I don't want to enter yet another new year feeling this way. I've never felt this hopeless before in my life, never this unhappy. I have no reason to be alive.
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