All I have to say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lauru, May 22, 2011.

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  1. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    is that when I think of killing myself, I feel nothing. Maybe a little calm. So why not make it happen? I know how to do it now, after many attempts in the past. Each attempt, I get closer to death. Each attempt I am able to hurt myself a little bit more. Soon. Soon it will be done.
  2. *kyle*

    *kyle* Well-Known Member

    obviously something bad has happend or life isnt as grand right now, do you wish to talk about it?
  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I can empathize, in a way. It's a pleasant thought for me, which is probably a bit malignant. I'm attracted to the idea of self-destruction in general, and to kill my own brain and prevent it from feeling or thinking anything ever again is very appealing.

    Be careful about the assumption that you "know how to do it." There's a huge problem with the most lethal suicide attempts, which is that they aren't 100% effective. I can't list any for fear of being modded, but imagine the most lethal type of attempt you can possibly think of, the kind where the conditions are ideal and you're totally prepared. Chances are very likely that someone who's done that has survived. And no one likes brain damage, disfigurement, or chronic pain as a result.
  4. jsnow

    jsnow Member

    I've had a similar feeling (or lack of feeling) at many times. And I think, in my case at least, a major cause of the apathy was that I was trying not to feel strongly about something else, something bad I did or something bad that happened in my life. And spending so much effort cutting off the feelings for those things led me to feel little in regards to my life. (Is this what they mean by the phrase "stuck in denial"?) And so much effort can be spent doing this, emotional cauterizing, if you will, that nothing worthwhile seems possible. But like anything we perceive, this is a filtered perception, and if we can figure out how to change our filters (believe me, that's what I'm trying to do right now!), maybe we can think ourselves out of the funk that we thought ourselves into. (At least, that's what I'm hoping right now.)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Lauru, please don't harm yourself. Talk about what's troubling might help. :hug:
  6. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I feel nothing, maybe a little sad, more resigned. I am depressed again. I am bipolar and I have ridden this roller coaster my whole life. I am down again. I am tired of it. I have a great job, a great partner, and I still want to die. I am tired, tired of being sick over and over again. I know I will be better at times, but the point is that I will also be down over and over again. And not just down, but depressed and suicidal. I'm tired of living. I just want to die. To be nothing, to do nothing, and to think and feel nothing. That is a very comforting thought.
  7. Chalmers

    Chalmers Well-Known Member

    I feel the same. I'm trying new meds but I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to sleep.
  8. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Me too. The doctor is tweaking my meds to try and help me, but so far, nada.I am scared, how far down will I go? Will people start noticing soon? I am trying really hard to fake it, but damn it is getting hard. Death seems like such a sweet release. I hope there is nothingness. Just the absolute and total end of me.
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