All I want is a way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UnknownJoe, Feb 3, 2014.

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  1. UnknownJoe

    UnknownJoe New Member

    I'm tired of my life and it feels like I never really got a chance to live. I've always been optimistic, I've always believed that life will get better with patience, but now I cannot take it anymore. I'm beginning to think that suicide is my only way out of this hell...

    My life briefly
    When I was 11 years old , I got shock of my life when I woke up one day and saw that one knee was swollen, could not really understand why, when I went to bed the day before there was nothing wrong with me. My parents rushed me to the hospital where I was diagnosed that I had a disease called "riley days syndrome" The problem is that I have read about this disease and none of the symptoms fit on me, I've always been a normal guy and were it not for the swelling knee, one would hardly believe that I was sick at all. After many years and having met many doctors and as many treatments as I never got any real help in understanding what was wrong with my knee. At 20 years old I was told by my doctor that I risk an amputation case unless I make a so-called bone fusion surgery, which means that I would never be able to bend my left knee at all. After many months it turned out that as a side effect of the surgery was that my leg was now 5cm shorter than the other leg so it would mean that one more operation was in order. At about 22 years old so it was time to make the long-awaited operation (that doctors would surgically lengthen the bone). I can still remember the pain that was included in the extension operation and the many many nights I used to wake up and scream of pain.

    Healing time took almost a year to complete. After so many years, it was finally time for me to start living, I though. Through the years, I have gone a number of courses from graphic designer to programmer. It has always been vocational training for me and in every interview I've been on I always get the same answer that I do not have the proper education or that I have not enough experience, but how the hell do you get experience if you do not first get a chance to show what you can. So here I sit without a job or internship, I cannot even find internship.
    So what do I do…

    Because of my knee problem so I have no sports activities going on either, I run with weight training sometimes but it never feels like it's enough. Most of my time (my life) is wasted behind the computer. I've never been one of those sitting up all night playing (World of world craft) or something similar.

    All I want is to have something going on in my life but I won't even get that. I cannot take it anymore, it hurts in my soul and suicide is almost the only thing I can think of right now.
    It would be so much easier for me and everyone around me if I just die.

    I really cannot take it anymore.
  2. DeadAlive

    DeadAlive Member

    You say you can't take it anymore... but your still here. Your in pain, and your crying out for help. I know what your going through because I have been through this and worse. I was hit by a drunk driver.

    Eventually you have to say to yourself "What will be, will be". You have to accept where you are. You have to let go of the struggles and just accept your fate in life. For me, I am permanently disabled. Try reading Joni's books at her website:

    Joni is disabled from a diving accident. Be willing to be silent and still. Be willing to let others walk with you in your struggles.
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