All I Want to Do is Sleep in Peace

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Miss Invisible, Mar 4, 2015.

  1. Miss Invisible

    Miss Invisible Well-Known Member

    The last night I can remember laying my head on my pillow, hearing the crickets chirp outside my window, and feel the warm summer breeze, I was a child..a child until the age of 17. From that point on, my father would never look at me quite the same way ever again. He lost respect for me, never looking into my eyes ever again. My father chose his highest regard in our very religious family by stepping down as a deacon & as a Sunday school teacher due to my shame.
    My big swollen belly, that on my first sexual encounter impregnated me. Despite the popular sexually promiscuous girls who years earlier chose different fates, I bore the undeniable mark of sin(that I call my miracle ) in a small Christian town. The stares, comments, glares, offers of adoption, I faced, alone.
    The hardest thing for me was to walk the church isle, turn & face my church family shaking & crying admitting I'd done wrong. Instead of feeling loved, I felt ostracized and evil.
    I was forced out of my school by my guidance counselors & principle, afraid I would start an epidemic. I was swept under the rug, but there was no rug big enough to hide me. It took me longer and it was harder but I finished school and have two degrees. I am also halfway through my bachelor's studies program. While I've hit a major set back in my future. I'm working on my trauma, because one day I hope to lie down in my bed, window open, feeling a slight breeze and hear the chirp of the crickets lulling me off to sleep.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering. It must be hard to deal with people who have judged you for one mistake you made. There is nothing to be ashamed of as rightly you say it's a miracle.

    From a different perspective religion is about teaching love and respecting others. It's not about damming people for making mistakes in life. It's human nature to make mistakes and it's not about others judging you. People find it easy to judge others and not themselves. You having nothing to be ashamed off and the stigma attached is causing you unnecessary stress.

    Yes people will look at you and gossip because they have nothing else better to do especially in a small community. Just think if you lived in a city, people would walk pass you and not judge. It' must be hard situation to deal with and you need to kind to yourself. Your well being is paramount and what you have achieved only shows me one thing, you are a survivor.

    Be proud in what you have achieved so far and strive for success in the near future. We all hit a low ebb in life but some of us hit these low points everyday. You try to learn and try to move on with your life. It must be hard trying to get the approval of your parents but personally I think you are an amazing person.

    You must remember that people do wrong everyday and they still live their lives. Life is about living in the moment and not dwelling on the past. Yes, you did something wrong in the eyes of others but you do not have to be punished everyday for it. Please continue to post and be safe. YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON...

    Suggestion is that you use the private diary facility to write you thoughts down as it will helpful to you.