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All I wanted is just freedom and live my dreams...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ZILtoid1991, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. ZILtoid1991

    ZILtoid1991 New Member

    When it was my 15th birthday I wanted to commit suicide as nobody took seriously my teenage problems. But then I got an offer from a guitar teacher that he would teach me how to play. I played the guitar before, but my access for guitar materials were very limited, the public music education in Hungary is really bad, usually makes the kids stop playing on the instument. Later I took it more seriously and I even learned all by myself. It helped me out from really throught situations, like the high school bullyings (diccused later).

    Later I got to a college to learn software engineering. I wasn't really interested in computers (I would liked to go a music school but the standards were too high for me), I wanted to go to the capital instead of living in a small town with no life and to boost my music career, also I good at programming. First I moved to Budapest but I did a great mistake to not staying there after finishing school and get some job. I moved to home, but I didn't got any summertime job and I had to travel a lot in the second semester. So in, the third semester, alrought I got a job at a factory this summer, but I was expelled due some of the higer up's son needed my place. This time my mother couldn't pay her credit card debts anymore, so my father said I should move to him because the debt collectors. I also had a lot of issue with my stepfather so I said OK.

    But with accepting his offer I did the greatest mistake in my life.

    Due my little brother I can't play the guitar after 8:00, alrought my father's television at high volumes is alright (I play an electric guitar throught headphones, quieter than talking), I waste 5 hours by travelling between school and home. My stepmother is as bad than my stepfather. Also she and my father are violent torwards my little brother if she has some failure in life. They always hating everyone in my family, always saying how xy is doing something wrong (while they doing it even worse), they're racist and antisemitic and they don't really like the fact that I'm not. I also suspect that my father is somehow psychopathic and don't really like the fact that I'll get higher education and I play on the guitar. He was in part of a communist party at a time and he is very anti-intellectualist. He always saying that if I don't get a job here with my degree, then I'll have to work an underpaid physical job. He always talking about to staying at my hometown instead of move to Budapest. He wanted me to cancel my student loan (due his antisemitic ideas after seeing the Zeitgeist videos), after I did not he was really mad. He also very manipulative and left me alone when I was bullied in the school, because if I moved to an another, I couldn't be an electrican (I was in a technican high school, but it was good for nothing), as he wanted it (he wanted to became one as a child).

    To get away from this, I looked for a job which can done from home. I got one but it seems that I'll fail at it. I really need some money to get a rent at Budapest, possibly buying a better instrument. I would do almost anything, even illegal ones (I throught on being a male prostitute if I wasn't overweight due to depakene). Now I started to think on suicide again. I don't want to live someone else's dream. I don't want to be isolated from my friends (I only have one here), I can't find any girlfriend here.
  2. Knights0715

    Knights0715 Member

    I know life seems tough right now but I promise you, it gets better. Don't give up on your dreams and don't let other people control your life. It is your life. DO what you want with it. If playing guitar is your passion, then pursue it. Do everything you have to do to get to where you want to be. But please don't kill yourself, you are too valuable to this Earth. Good luck.