All i wanted was a normal life

[Aj q8]

I'm not suicidal right now
But I can't help but fantasizing about it every time I feel this low and this sadness..
All what I can visualise is if only <Mod edit: Methods> and all my pain will go away
I even envoy ppl who die every day
I wish if I was one of them
I wish I go to sleep at night and not woking up the next day
I wonder why God spare me several times before
I could've been dead years ago
I can't stand this life I'm living
All I want is peace of mind

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

 

[Butterfly]

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Is there anything in particular making you feel like this?

 

[Aj q8]

It's my Narcissistic mother
She always keep blaming me for every misfortune happens !
And yesterday I was telling her that her side of the family are the responsible for what are we going through
Bc they are the poster figure of how the dysfunctional family should be !
She didn't like what I said about her stupid family
And blamed me for everything
Even my suicide attempts in the past when I was a teen
She didn't even put the effort to ask her self why would a 15 year old girl would consider ending her life time after time
What amount of pain that this little girl is enduring
So death seems to her the only sulotion
After all those years and she still refuses to admit how much she hurt me
She refuses to take her part in all my suffering
That's what really hurt me yesterday
I'm 46 year old now
I accomplished nothing!
Deep down I'm still the same scared lonely little child I was back then
All I wanted was my mother love and affection
Which unfortunately Narcissistic mothers are incapable of understand the word love

 

[MosesY]

I am sorry you had a mother incapable of love. I am capable of love and I love you. I wish to hug you and comfort you, let you cry on my shoulder for the love that you lost from your mother. I love you. I do not say that lightly, I mean it. I am probably your fathers age and I love you as I would my own child. You mean so much to me, your life that is yet to be lived, the accomplishments yet to come, I would love to dream of your life with your head resting in my bosom, warm and comfortable. You are so precious. such potential, such meaning. I love you.

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear about how your mother is. One thing I admit I was blessed with was a mother who always put myself and my brother first. It is one of those where since she is gone I wish I had always let her know how wonderful I thought she was and how much it meant that she was like that.

 

[cots]

Hi! Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Sounds like you have been through a lot.

I don't think you've necessarily accomplished nothing. In fact, you have achieved a great deal just by becoming the awesome person you are right now.

Are you perhaps looking to receive an apology? Or closure for the things that happened?

In my experience, apologies never happen. I have been searching and yearning for an apology from someone who hurt me for 8 years now. I still fantasize about receiving it sometimes. It never did come and I don't think it ever will.

I have since looked within myself for the courage to forgive that somebody. I told myself that it was the person's personality, a characteristic trait which no one can change. If they didn't hurt me, they would go on to hurt someone else, because it's in them to do so. It was not my fault that I was hurt. And I am sure it was not your fault that you were hurt too. You are great person who deserves to be treated kindly. It's just not in the other person to apologise or admit their mistakes. And I think it's sad that they missed the opportunity to create nice memories with a wonderful person like you!

That said, I'm glad I stumbled upon this post and somehow managed to "meet" you. You may wish to use the Diary section to keep track of your feelings, or talk about how you wish things could be. I find writing my thoughts down very helpful. Meanwhile, stay safe and strong!

 

[iloverachel]

I'm not suicidal right now
But I can't help but fantasizing about it every time I feel this low and this sadness..
All what I can visualise is if only <Mod edit: Methods> and all my pain will go away
I even envoy ppl who die every day
I wish if I was one of them
I wish I go to sleep at night and not woking up the next day
I wonder why God spare me several times before
I could've been dead years ago
I can't stand this life I'm living
All I want is peace of mind

So sorry to hear. Hope you get better.
I wish i could live a normal life and have a normal brain. it sucks

 

[Aj q8]

I am sorry you had a mother incapable of love. I am capable of love and I love you. I wish to hug you and comfort you, let you cry on my shoulder for the love that you lost from your mother. I love you. I do not say that lightly, I mean it. I am probably your fathers age and I love you as I would my own child. You mean so much to me, your life that is yet to be lived, the accomplishments yet to come, I would love to dream of your life with your head resting in my bosom, warm and comfortable. You are so precious. such potential, such meaning. I love you.

Thank you for your comforting words
I really needed to hear those

 

[Aj q8]

Sad to hear about how your mother is. One thing I admit I was blessed with was a mother who always put myself and my brother first. It is one of those where since she is gone I wish I had always let her know how wonderful I thought she was and how much it meant that she was like that.

I'm so glad you had such mother
Main is pure monster
She never loved me and she never tried to

 

[Aj q8]

Hi! Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Sounds like you have been through a lot.

I don't think you've necessarily accomplished nothing. In fact, you have achieved a great deal just by becoming the awesome person you are right now.

Are you perhaps looking to receive an apology? Or closure for the things that happened?

In my experience, apologies never happen. I have been searching and yearning for an apology from someone who hurt me for 8 years now. I still fantasize about receiving it sometimes. It never did come and I don't think it ever will.

I have since looked within myself for the courage to forgive that somebody. I told myself that it was the person's personality, a characteristic trait which no one can change. If they didn't hurt me, they would go on to hurt someone else, because it's in them to do so. It was not my fault that I was hurt. And I am sure it was not your fault that you were hurt too. You are great person who deserves to be treated kindly. It's just not in the other person to apologise or admit their mistakes. And I think it's sad that they missed the opportunity to create nice memories with a wonderful person like you!

That said, I'm glad I stumbled upon this post and somehow managed to "meet" you. You may wish to use the Diary section to keep track of your feelings, or talk about how you wish things could be. I find writing my thoughts down very helpful. Meanwhile, stay safe and strong!

Thank you for thinking that about me
I wish my mother can see any good in me
She only became nice to me when ever she wants something from me
To do a chorus or help her with something
When ever that thing is over she ignores me or starts to blame me for everything wrong in her life
And I'm so tired of this dead end cycle
I know I should come to accept the fact that I will never have the mother I wished for
But it's too hard for me
Maybe if I had my life away from her I can cut her out of my life or not be as sensitive as I am now with all her mind games and how she always represented her self as the victim and I'm the bad guy!

 

[Aj q8]

So sorry to hear. Hope you get better.
I wish i could live a normal life and have a normal brain. it sucks

I hope you had that soon
My emotional wounds only ozz when I'm around her
If she wasn't around me I'm happy full with joy and life women
She is the one who brings me down to my lowest

 

[cots]

Thank you for thinking that about me
I wish my mother can see any good in me
She only became nice to me when ever she wants something from me
To do a chorus or help her with something
When ever that thing is over she ignores me or starts to blame me for everything wrong in her life
And I'm so tired of this dead end cycle
I know I should come to accept the fact that I will never have the mother I wished for
But it's too hard for me
Maybe if I had my life away from her I can cut her out of my life or not be as sensitive as I am now with all her mind games and how she always represented her self as the victim and I'm the bad guy!

Do you live with her? I don't think it's very possible to cut ties 100% but is there a way to reduce contact with her? Stay strong!

 

[worthless_loser]

Hello, I read your post.
I'm sorry your mother is so evil.

I wish I could fix your pain for you.
The only solution to your problem I can think of would be to get her out of your life permanently and focus on loving yourself.
You need to heal from the trauma of having a narcissistic parent.

There's a YouTuber named Daniel Mackler who you might want to look at.
He's a former therapist who had a narcissistic mother as well and has videos on how to heal from trauma.
It might be worth watching.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Also, I noticed you didn't mention your father.
What is he like if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Aj q8]

Do you live with her? I don't think it's very possible to cut ties 100% but is there a way to reduce contact with her? Stay strong!

Unfortunately I live with her and my brothers and father!
But she's the one who control everything
90%of any talk between the rest of us must be through her!
And you can imagine the amount of lies she spreads to turn every one again each other
I wish I can leave but for the mean time it's impossible

 

[cots]

Do you have your own room? Or a safe space that you could go to?

Personally I think a good way to avoid conflict with someone like that would be to just stop reacting to her malicious or hurtful comments. Literally not react if she continues hurling insults. If she gets no reaction, she would have no choice but to end the conversation and carry it out somewhere else.

 

[JDot]

I'm sorry your mother treats you like that. We're always here for you.

 

[Aj q8]

I'm sorry your mother treats you like that. We're always here for you.

Thank you for being here for me
It's the only thing that keeps me go on

 

[Aj q8]

Do you have your own room? Or a safe space that you could go to?

Personally I think a good way to avoid conflict with someone like that would be to just stop reacting to her malicious or hurtful comments. Literally not react if she continues hurling insults. If she gets no reaction, she would have no choice but to end the conversation and carry it out somewhere else.

Yes I have my own room
I try to avoid contacting with her as much as I can
But I have my 2 brothers and my father we all live together and they all take her side and she managed to turn every one against me
She controls every one and everything
I wish one day I can break free from this hell

 

[Aj q8]

Hello, I read your post.
I'm sorry your mother is so evil.

I wish I could fix your pain for you.
The only solution to your problem I can think of would be to get her out of your life permanently and focus on loving yourself.
You need to heal from the trauma of having a narcissistic parent.

There's a YouTuber named Daniel Mackler who you might want to look at.
He's a former therapist who had a narcissistic mother as well and has videos on how to heal from trauma.
It might be worth watching.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Also, I noticed you didn't mention your father.
What is he like if you don't mind me asking?

I'm working on leaving
I went back to night school to get my high school diploma
I passed the first semester with high grades
I get 93% and instead of getting a kiss or a hug from her she flipped on me saying I'm taking advantage of her letting me use my dad car and he is unhappy with my driving!!
My dad has no balls to stand on her face beside he he is my biological father yet he hit on me several times knowing I cant tell anyone bc no one will believe me
I'm living in hell actually
And I can't upset her right now i need to get my high school diploma before i think about my next step
If I leave now i cant afford moving out i can't find a job especially now with the covid 19 thing
All i need now is for her to stay of my back till I finish night school