I came here on and off, for a few years. I haven't been here in a while, but I feel like dying almost all day, every day. Back when I used to come here, I had gone my whole life without ever tasting a relationship. I felt so alone, and I felt too ugly to ever experience anything, and almost came to terms with being alone for the rest of the life until I found somebody, by serendipity, in the same boat as me. She's beautiful, and she's perfect in every way I could have imagined - But the pain hasn't diminished - I just feel every action that she expresses is tailored to suit my propensity to scrutinize and go over every gesture a million times in my head - and each small gesture is interpreted negatively. There are fleeting moments where it's okay, filled in with an empty space of... Really, really, wanting her to be happy, and really, really wanting to die. And I know she cares, so why can't I be happy? I'm dropping out of high school and want to live a nomadic lifestyle as a livable alternative to wage slavery. She agrees with the idea that we would both rather die than waste away working for the rest of our life. The more I tell my family what they are entitled to know the more they tell me why it'll never happen, and I'm starting to ask the big questions again that I've been asking for years... What if all this knowledge, and the ineffable beauty in the sum of my experiences and memories - is all as mortal as the body that I perceive to contain it? What if, my mind and body aren't really separate, and they cease to exist eternally, cede and fade away simultaneously - FOREVER? Forever scares me more than I can articulate, although I maintain the brazen facade that I am not affected or neutral of the concept of finitude, I am afraid that absolutely everything that I perceive to matter will fade as soon as I shut my eyes for good, forever. I am such a disgrace, and the reasons are manifold for my desire to die, and only few for my desire to live. I cannot kill myself - because she is absolutely everything that matters to me even though I constantly perceive this truth is not the same for her. I see myself to not even be a man, but a pussy afraid of the truths that I hold to be self-evident but yet run from. So here's the truth, and I am not going to hold back for anyone. I am living in hell. And if she left me, I will die. Nobody can justify me staying around. I am worthless and my existence is pointless. I think about dying all the time. I want to die. I know nobody can really feel my pain through these words, but I need to die, and it feels like I'm reading somebody else's words when I think that there isn't any reason for me to want this - and there really isn't. I'm just sick and tired of the false promises and the endless sacrifices and the nothing that I've made myself out to be and I want to die. People try to fix me with medicine - but they fail to realize this perception is a product of myself and taking that away from me takes away from my individual existence. Amelioration cannot come from relinquishing the mind I have grown to regard as the only constant. All I can ask of anyone is to look me in the eyes and regard me as a sentient being, as a GODDAMN HUMAN, THAT IS ALL - and NOBODY WILL EVEN GIVE ME THE HONOR OR DIGNITY OF SHOWING ME THE RESPECT OR REGARD THAT I AM ENTITLED TO BY BEING HUMAN. Everybody is so jaded towards aesthetics or contrived furrows of worry - or some scene or image that they hold germane in interpreting their worth of a person - and I cannot be anyone while being myself. I cannot be human while being myself. I am invisible. I am nothing.