All I wanted was one thing - and now I have it, but...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, May 1, 2009.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    I came here on and off, for a few years. I haven't been here in a while, but I feel like dying almost all day, every day.

    Back when I used to come here, I had gone my whole life without ever tasting a relationship. I felt so alone, and I felt too ugly to ever experience anything, and almost came to terms with being alone for the rest of the life until I found somebody, by serendipity, in the same boat as me.

    She's beautiful, and she's perfect in every way I could have imagined -
    But the pain hasn't diminished - I just feel every action that she expresses is tailored to suit my propensity to scrutinize and go over every gesture a million times in my head - and each small gesture is interpreted negatively.

    There are fleeting moments where it's okay, filled in with an empty space of...
    Really, really, wanting her to be happy, and really, really wanting to die.

    And I know she cares, so why can't I be happy? I'm dropping out of high school and want to live a nomadic lifestyle as a livable alternative to wage slavery. She agrees with the idea that we would both rather die than waste away working for the rest of our life.

    The more I tell my family what they are entitled to know the more they tell me why it'll never happen, and I'm starting to ask the big questions again that I've been asking for years...

    What if all this knowledge, and the ineffable beauty in the sum of my experiences and memories - is all as mortal as the body that I perceive to contain it? What if, my mind and body aren't really separate, and they cease to exist eternally, cede and fade away simultaneously - FOREVER?

    Forever scares me more than I can articulate, although I maintain the brazen facade that I am not affected or neutral of the concept of finitude, I am afraid that absolutely everything that I perceive to matter will fade as soon as I shut my eyes for good, forever.

    I am such a disgrace, and the reasons are manifold for my desire to die, and only few for my desire to live. I cannot kill myself - because she is absolutely everything that matters to me even though I constantly perceive this truth is not the same for her. I see myself to not even be a man, but a pussy afraid of the truths that I hold to be self-evident but yet run from.

    So here's the truth, and I am not going to hold back for anyone.

    I am living in hell.

    And if she left me, I will die. Nobody can justify me staying around. I am worthless and my existence is pointless. I think about dying all the time. I want to die. I know nobody can really feel my pain through these words, but I need to die, and it feels like I'm reading somebody else's words when I think that there isn't any reason for me to want this - and there really isn't.

    I'm just sick and tired of the false promises and the endless sacrifices and the nothing that I've made myself out to be and I want to die. People try to fix me with medicine - but they fail to realize this perception is a product of myself and taking that away from me takes away from my individual existence. Amelioration cannot come from relinquishing the mind I have grown to regard as the only constant.

    All I can ask of anyone is to look me in the eyes and regard me as a sentient being, as a GODDAMN HUMAN, THAT IS ALL - and NOBODY WILL EVEN GIVE ME THE HONOR OR DIGNITY OF SHOWING ME THE RESPECT OR REGARD THAT I AM ENTITLED TO BY BEING HUMAN.

    Everybody is so jaded towards aesthetics or contrived furrows of worry - or some scene or image that they hold germane in interpreting their worth of a person - and I cannot be anyone while being myself.

    I cannot be human while being myself.
    I am invisible.
    I am nothing.
  2. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Can I ask you a question? I know you love her, but do you believe she loves you?
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Maybe. But nobody here can justify your dying. And nobody here would ever be convinced that you are worthless! You know how many times the word worthless is used on this site? Many people on this site believe they are worthless? Would you ever tell someone else that they are worthless? What makes you any different? You have inherent worth, and just because other people have not shown you that in the past, doesn't mean you are not entitled to it in the future.

    Because you have not been shown it in the past, you may think people do not give you respect because that's what you are expecting. If you open yourself up to the possibility that you are a good person, worthy of good things, you might see that people treat you differently.

    As far as the girl, you are fucking lucky man! A girl that wants to live that kind of lifestyle! That's my fucking dream girl man :laugh:. My problem always was when I had the girl I didn't want her, when I didn't have her then I loved her intensely. I was always more in love with wanting her than having her.

    Well there are many ways you can make this work :hug:. You said they tried medicine but have you tried therapy? There might be a lot buried in there, especially if you think that you are worthless. That is just not true my friend, you'll never convince me! :hugtackles:
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