For the past year ive been in a form of limbo status figuring out what life means to me and what i want in the future, and to be honest, the outlook isnt good. For quite a long time since i last attempted things had started to look up and i was kind of optimistic. Now i realise that the only things that where giving me this happiness where the day dreams and fantasies i have while living. There is absolutely nothing that i have to be proud of, not even a drawing that my parents praised me for and put on the fridge. I had the means to become popular and happy but something just fucked up inside my brain. I am permenantly in a state of paranoia and self shame. I try so hard to tell myself that noone is ganging up on me and those people arent laughing at you but i just fall deeper. Im afraid of making friends incase theyre just pretending to be nice to me and make fun of me behind my back. Sometimes when i was younger it was so bad a couple of times i was scared that my parents where ashamed of me and where putting poison in my food, or would wait for me to go to sleep and suffocate me. Im so afraid of what im going to turn into when im older, i think it would be a good idea to just end it now before i fall into insanity. Ive always tried to be courteous and friendly to every stranger i meet, so that they would do the same to me, that shows how selfish i am. I am such a lazy arrogant prick. I am fucking worthless. Every time i try to be nice to others and make friends, they think im some sort of stalker freak and stay as far away as possible. I dont want to be someone that others look at, and ressure themeselves and say "at least im not THAT bad" All ive got to do now is pluck up the courage and prove to myself that i am capaple of being an honourable human being and end myself before i infect the planet.