I do not understand how my mind works. It is as if it is out to torture me, to make me suffer. Tomorrow, I am going on a wonderful vacation, a 10-day cruise of the Caribbean. I am all packed and ready. But as soon as I think I should be happy about the nice time I am going to have, my sick brain kicks in. I suddenly get anxiety attacks about stuff. For example, I suddenly have an attack of fear that a pipe is going to burst or something and cause thousands and thousands in damage to our condo neighbours. No matter what I do, no matter how much I KNOW this is a ridiculous and unlikely fear, the anxiety just eats me up. And the only way I can relax a little is to tell myself that if something like that happened I could always kill myself. Instead of enjoying the wonderful vacation I have paid for with my hard-earned money, I am ruining it with anxiety that is all in my head. Why does my brain hate me? Why does it want to make me unhappy? Do you know what helps me to fall asleep? Pretending that I have taken a HUGE overdose and am breathing poison gas. I pretend I am dying and that I am killing the brain that has spent my whole life making me miserable with anxiety attacks and ruining every good thing that ever happened to me. Why am I such a mental case? Would I not be better off dead?