All of a sudden I am suicidal because I am going on vacation!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Valteron, Jan 2, 2009.

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  1. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I do not understand how my mind works. It is as if it is out to torture me, to make me suffer.

    Tomorrow, I am going on a wonderful vacation, a 10-day cruise of the Caribbean. I am all packed and ready. But as soon as I think I should be happy about the nice time I am going to have, my sick brain kicks in. I suddenly get anxiety attacks about stuff. For example, I suddenly have an attack of fear that a pipe is going to burst or something and cause thousands and thousands in damage to our condo neighbours. No matter what I do, no matter how much I KNOW this is a ridiculous and unlikely fear, the anxiety just eats me up. And the only way I can relax a little is to tell myself that if something like that happened I could always kill myself.

    Instead of enjoying the wonderful vacation I have paid for with my hard-earned money, I am ruining it with anxiety that is all in my head.

    Why does my brain hate me? Why does it want to make me unhappy?

    Do you know what helps me to fall asleep? Pretending that I have taken a HUGE overdose and am breathing poison gas. I pretend I am dying and that I am killing the brain that has spent my whole life making me miserable with anxiety attacks and ruining every good thing that ever happened to me.

    Why am I such a mental case? Would I not be better off dead?
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe just the thought of being away from home for a week is causing this anxiety attack? You will be out of your comfort zone, but you will be on a wonderful cruise ship and on a relaxing vacation. Maybe try thinking about all of the fun that you're about to have? Have a nice cruise. :smile:
  3. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Valteron, I know exactly how you feel. I hate leaving my home for any reason, mostly due to the following thoughts:

    1.) What if somebody breaks in?
    2.) What if my house burns down!
    3.) What if the mortgage defaults and my house gets repossessed?
    5.) Jesus, what if the cat manages to starve to death?

    ad nauseum.

    These are all behaviors indicative of an anxiety disorder/obsessive compulsiveness. I recommend you schedule an appointment with the therapist before you go, and if you're on medication, take a look at your options with that.

    If it's too late to schedule an appointment, please answer the following questions for yourself:

    1.) What is it about this trip that is causing me trouble?
    2.) If I can fix this problem, am I just going to find another problem upon which to fixate?
    3.) And if I fix that problem, will I just engineer another?
    4.) Is this rational?
    5.) Have I ever encountered a situation in which this fear/anxiety has occured, and what did I learn from it to prevent a similar circumstance from happening to me?
    6.) What are my contingencies in case fire/tornado/burglary occurs?
    7.) And even then, will it be the end of the world?
    8.) And if I had been home, could I have prevented it from happening? (Probably not.)

    As hard as it is to admit, there are just some things in life that are beyond our control. The trick is not forgetting about this, but recognizing when some circumastances are just beyond human measure. I'm sure that you've taken every precaution that you can, and now you should go enjoy your vacation. I'm sure you've more than earned it. :smile:
  4. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Mr Clockwork is absolutely right. This is the main obstacle that not just anxious people, have to overcome, everyone does!

    I would recommend a course of CBT, which will teach you how to manage your anxiety, and understand more about how it developed. I'm guessing you're on medication already if you are having panic attacks to help you along for the moment. I can't imagine it is much fun being anxious all the time and never being able to enjoy yourself - so it would be no surprise to me that you are perhaps depressed. You're not alone and there is help out there. Thinking about it, that you're going on holiday is a big step. You will get through this!

    Take care, and do try to relax in the lovely hot sun!
  5. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    There's something else I'd like to suggest. Take a good hour of time before you leave, sit down with two sheets of paper, and make two lists. One list is going to be, "what do I need to pack, and what are important phone numbers for me to have?" and the other list is going to be, "what do I need to do before I leave?" This second list is going to include such chores as, "make sure the coffee pot is unplugged," and "make sure the back door is locked." Be sure to cross these things off as you finish them. If you start feeling anxious on your vacation, just pull your list out to see what you've accomplished. Works like a charm for me.
  6. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Thank you Clockwork Reality and all the others. You really understand how my sick mind works. I came back from a WONDERFUL vacation and everything was fine, of course! But your mind seems to work just like mine, Clockwork. I wouldn't mind communicating with you.
  7. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    So glad you had a good time!:smile:
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