All out of hope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zpr, Nov 14, 2011.

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  1. Zpr

    Zpr New Member

    I believe there are two different types of depression. Depression that is caused by chemical imbalance and depression that is caused by situations. One can be treated with pills and therapy and the other can be treated by working towards solving the problem that triggers the depression.

    I have Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Osteoarthritis of the knees. I could get Social Security Disability but the screening process takes forever and I don't have that much time left. I'm on four medications, but they don't help and the situation I'm in lands me with little money and even less hope. I've been holding back on taking them so I have them when I need them most, in the days to come.

    I'm haunted by situational depression at the moment. The obvious solution is to simply fix the root of the problems, unfortunately it is something out of my control.

    I lost my job of five years back in last August. They paid me poorly but I stayed because I'm stupidly loyal and honest and would not leave people I worked with hanging by quitting to go to a 'better job'... not like I would actually be able to find one. My unemployment payments were tiny as a result, and I went on it and foodstamps. It took me until the end of December to find work. I took another job with the same payment as the last one because it was the only offer I had and I wanted to not be on the social safety nets. It's a matter of pride and wanting to support myself.

    I got laid off from that job in August of this year. Again, low unemployment payments, but this time, since I only worked 8 months, my benefits don't last the full 6 months and I'm under the impression that when they run out, I cannot get extensions because I "didn't work enough"... nevermind my previous job I spent five years in, none of that matters. Foodstamps decided to give me 30 dollars less than last time, even though I have more debt obligations (higher rent and other bills) than I did before. I am being punished for doing the right thing.

    My benefits run out in mid December. By the end of the year I expect to be homeless. I am not strong enough to deal with that, and I know that I will seek means to my own death if that is my fate.

    My landlord is letting me off on paying rent so long as I keep some of the other utilities on, landing me at about 150/mo. Unfortunately the other girl renting a room here is her niece, and her niece is not agreeable. She finds any reason she can to yell at me and treat me badly. If I put stuff in the refrigerator she screams at me, if I put stuff in the freezer she screams at me, if I do my laundry she screams at me, if I use the kitchen, including the microwave I bought, she screams at me. If I park in my carport spot she screams at me. She's threatened me with bodily harm. The landlord has recently realized what an unholy bitch she is and asked her to move out, but she hasn't moved yet.

    I avoid her, not so much because I'm intimidated by her, but because I'm afraid of myself. She can belittle, harass, and threaten me, but if she makes me snap I'm afraid she'll be leaving in a stretcher (and me in handcuffs). While she probably would deserve it, I don't want to become the monster my father was.

    The only time I eat is when she's not home or when she's asleep and her door is closed. I may go for days without eating. I really don't want conflict and I'm too old for her childish drama.

    What's worse is our Air Conditioning / Heating unit went out about a month ago. We've had heat as hot as 105 and cold as cool as 29. We had someone come and add coolant which didn't fix the problem. He wanted to look at it more and see if he could figure out the problem but the roommate refused to let the worker into her room so he could turn off the breaker and do a better examination of the problem. With this, we have no idea what's wrong or how much it costs.

    She's refusing to pay rent because the AC/Heater is dead. The Landlord can't afford to fix the heater/coolant because she's refusing to pay rent and I... can't afford to pay rent. She goes to work. I swelter at home in the heat and freeze in the cold. I only recently bought a box fan and a space heater.

    The solution, of course, is to find a job. I've been trying. No one wants to hire me. Only one place has had the decency to give me a phone interview, never got a call back, I guess I just wasn't good enough. It's all a massive blow to my already diminished self-worth, which has now become completely non-existent.

    I'm a fairly bright, fast learning, computer person. I've got 10 years of administrative clerical sales customer support background. I also am a guru in the adobe graphics suite and have had art included in my duties for pretty much all of my jobs (IE: A sales person who is capable of taking customer art and making it factory ready or an administrative assistant who also acts as a webmaster). I ask for 1000/mo, the same crap pay I've lived off of, I don't care if the work is part time or full time (which would actually put me below minimum wage) so long as I can pay my bills. No dice.

    My downsides are I'm not pretty, I don't wear makeup because it makes me break out badly, and my parents were too rich for financial aide but too poor (they smoked all their money away) to pay my way to college (honestly, I've got experience to give me two degrees, and am a lot smarter than a lot of young people I see coming out of college). My osteoarthritis makes it so I can't be on my feet so I can't work in retail or any job that requires standing, but most places are unwilling to accommodate my problems because I don't have a wheelchair (and can't afford to buy one).

    In this economy normal people are struggling to get jobs. For people like me, it's nearly impossible. I still try but I have no hope of actually finding a job at this point, the opportunities are just not out there.

    I want so much to fix the problem but it's out of my control. I feel powerless to change things because I just can't. I'm not in the position to hire people. I realize it's not my fault but I still feel like I'm being punished for it.

    I feel that in the end I would be better off dead. I wouldn't be consuming resources like unemployment and food stamps, which could actually go to someone who's worthwhile. I wouldn't be occupying the space that I live in, so my landlord could rent it and fix the heat problems. No one would miss me, I'm a useless parasite on society with no redeeming values whatsoever. I started feeling this way when I lost my job, even with all my medications, they literally didn't help with the non-chemical problem.

    The most upsetting thing of it all isn't that I'm having suicidal thoughts, but that I've grown to accept the beliefs that I have no redeeming qualities and that the only possible path for me is the unavoidable path to homelessness and the suicide that will come at my inability to cope with it.

    I'm all out of happy.

    Any advice on how to re-establish self-esteem for someone whose entire self-worth has been decimated into non-existence? Or advice on how to feel less defeated?
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    First, welcome at SF,

    You have lots on your plate to deal with and I think most people would feel overwhelmed. I dont think you should feel embarrassed at all to use the social safety net to get the resources you need to get by. That is what it is for: anybody can run out of luck and need it without having to feel ashamed by it. Until now you have lead a productive life you can be proud of. Once you get back on your feet, nothing says you wont be back at work even if it takes a while to find it. Maybe with your experience you could do contract work? Dont give up and keep posting as sometimes just sharing provide some relief. wish you well
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