All this bullshit in my head is making me insane!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Nov 1, 2007.

  1. And I'm not even kidding!
    I mean, I go about my daily routines, but my head is spinning around in these thoughts.

    All I want to do lately is cry. I feel so low, so depressed and lonely. I feel like no one is there for me, and if they are, it's just to please themselves, make them feel like they are good friends, but I feel so alone.

    All this crap about my weight is overwhelming me. I keep thinking 'what if I just don't eat ever again? Will it make it better?' but then, one thing that's bugging me is my metabolism, it'll slow down ALOT, I may seriously do myself damage, and it's strange, I didn't care over these past three years about it, but now I do. Maybe it's because I know so much now. Maybe, just maybe, I'm better off not knowing what not eating can do to you. I mean, I lost alot of weight last year doing this and my metabolism was fine, infact, it didn't change at all. But that's what's bugging me. Now it's different because I'm at a different weight and different height and circumstances change alot in a year. It's confusing, it's annoying and it's frustrating. I mean, exercise stimulates the metabolism, so maybe if I keep moving around, of course not alot because I get weak alot when I don't eat, then maybe it'll be okay. But what if it isn't? What if it goes wrong? I can't take that risk... I'll never be the same again if something goes wrong... It's so confusing and just... very insane.

    I cut myself again. I don't know why. I just... I wanted to feel that pain. See the blood rip out of me. Feel the blood dropping from my skin. I wanted so badly to see it. To feel it. It's like the pain bleeds out of me... I so desperately wanted it. It's not so bad. I do it with the blade in the razor now. Less dangerous, apparently.

    But, you know. I do still consider suicide alot. I consider it, but I don't know if I'd do it. I'm trying hard not to.

    I do wonder though. Do people really care about me? Do they really love me? Am I lovable? Am I carable? Or is it all lies? Filthy, made up lies? I don't like being lied to, but then again, I lie too. It's just, how could someone care, love me? I'm a fat, ugly slut. I'm a psycho. I'm something everyone hates. Or should hate. But, there's one special person, my brother, who hasn't gave up on me. Not yet, anyway. But I wonder, how can he care about me, I mean, how can he love me? I'm something to be hated, not cared about or loved. Something to be hated, disgusted with, hurt, killed... I'm a waste of space, why does he bother? Why does anyone bother? I just need to be placed in a cell and left for dead...

    It's really confusing though. Everything right now is just spinning around in my head. I don't want to go back to school, but I sorta do. I go to a gym there, aslong as I use that to keep my movement up, my metabolism may be okay during this month. It may be okay... I mean, it's a 50/50 chance, I don't know what'll happen. But, on the 13th I get assessed for ADHD, and the medication, which I'm hoping I'll get, makes your metabolism go really speedy and supresses your appetite. I hope I have got ADHD, that'll be the biggest plus. But the medication can help too. At school. At home. It's got other plus's too... But it's just that one thing now that I want. Maybe I should get medications from people which make the metabolism speed up? I don't know even how, or where? I don't know...

    This is most of the things going around in my head. Other stuff too, future life, love, friendships, siblingship, family, school, everything...

    I just wanted to rant.
  2. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I don't even know you, but I do care about how you're feeling. I hope that you feel better soon :smile:

    ps) sorry for the rubbish reply. I'm a bit tired, haha.
  3. thanks Ruby, that's not a rubbish reply, makes me feel better. :)