&&all those little pieces....

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by Internally._.Broken, Nov 17, 2006.

  1. Stabbed me in the back.
    Gahh I haven't been on here in a while. A whole lot has been happening...wow.
    And now I feel bad because the only time I get on is to crawl back for help.
    Wow I'm lame.
    But I've learned to live with things in the past months...a lot has happened.
    I quit horseback riding for a few reasons.

    1)Money issues
    2)My instructor was kinda a bitch
    3)Bad memories
    4)I didn't fit in there. I never would.
    5)My father used to be in rodeo. I swore never to be like him so that was the simple fix.


    And so everything is falling apart...again.
    Well I've actually gotten quite a few friends and that is a great accomplishment for me. People who actually care when you're crying but will not restrain slapping you for being stupid. Or tackling you for no reason at all. I love these kids.
    We've helped each other deal with the suicidal thoughts, the cutting, anorexia, bilimia[sp?], and the list can go on.
    But only a few of them fully truly get me. Like, we may not believe the same things for the most part but the understanding and trust between us makes us just that much closer.
    I have a boyfriend. A month as of Wednesday and he's basically helped me through a lot of, to put it simply, shit.
    I also got a puppy, and though said puppy thinks aforementioned boyfriend is here for her entertainment, I love her. She is adorable and sweet and just a tad bit too hyper. She fights with my cat [and loses] and fights with my dog [still loses] but is so happy and always gets back up again. I love watching her. You can learn a lot from puppies. I've seen her help my cat kill a rat. [Disturbing, I know, but I got a lot out of that].
    They are so different and supposedly hate eachother yet they can work together for a common cause...Even though I ended up having to pick up that common cause....
    Yeah I've gained more understanding, a sense of humor, and people who generally make me happy. The depression always has to bite me in the ass whenever I'm doing good; it sucks but I'm working on making it better. I go to a psychiatrist in January or February [my other one refuses to see me anymore] and I'm getting new anti-depressants. Which, if anyone asked my closest friends, I'm in severe need of, and having them is reason enough for us to yell YAY HAPPY PILLS.
    Hmm yeah pills. I have many stories about pills. Lately I've been having bad insomnia and it doesn't bother me, but it gave me reason to get sleeping pills.
    Hahaha. -sarcasm-
    BAD IDEA.
    VERY BAD IDEA.
    At the least two of those and four of my ibuprofen tablets can knock me out for twelve hours. And people have tried ot wake me up without success.
    Lately I've been upping the doses, two nights ago it was four and a half sleeping pills [however many I can get my hands on] and six Ibuprofen pills. Kill the pain, kill the thoughts, it works. I'll take whatever I can get my hands on. I've become an all-around pill popper. I've taken them to the point of throwing up, which doesn't bother me since I've been throwing up a lot lately anyways. And even though I'm sick the hurling has nothing to do with it. I am just extremely self-conscious to the point of destruction. Since I can't be pretty I have to be thin. If I'm gonna be thin I've gotta work at it. Don't eat. Eating is for failures. Eating is the enemy. I'm tired of everyone saying 'Eat now.' and 'What the fuck Michelle! You're skinny as a pole!' because it's all lies and I don't trust them. But I've lost at least ten pounds so far and I'm working on it.
    On the topic of self destruction, since pill-popping and starving herself is never enough, of course there's more.
    I cut or burn on occassion, anything to get the pain. I pick fights and let the other person win [mostly] just for the hell of it. Just to feel the pain. Of course in the end I always win because I'm too cocky to lose a fight. I may be face down on the floor, bleeding with bruises and soon-to-be scars, but if I can feel the pain without being defeated I'm happy.
    But, I'm never really happy am I? There is no such thing as happiness, just the illusion of joy. We all think we're happy.
    Except Eldar, of course, he's almost always happy. Which is why it confuses me that he likes me. [he would be the aforementioned boyfriend] But it works. His always happy self and me in my semi-depressed stage most of the time, somewhow we work together. I guess opposites attract, though we're not entirely opposite.
    We like anime, manga, rock music, and we hang out with the same people.
    And we have like a bajillion other things in common. I love that kid. Simple as that.
    Oh, and I might as well mention in this monologue of sorts, my old psychiatrist [before he ditched me] is coming to the comclusion that I am bipolar.
    Amazing. I've been saying that for almost six years and it took him that long to even consider the idea. I swear half the 'professionals' these days need to get over themselves and get brains. Please&&ThankYou.
    And there is so much more that I could say, but where I'm at it'll be 5 A.M. soon. And since I don't go to school anymore [details later] I can sleep in as late as I want [not as glorious as one may think].
    Well that's all the 'venting' I have time for.
    More of an update to come later, loves.
    I'm sick and have decided that sleep can't hurt [contrary to popular belief]
    Michelle//Tibby//Ataya//whatever you wanna call me
    PS::Not like I'm really on a lot, but I'll be out of town&&computerless for a week because I'm going to Kentucky. I'm sure you'll survive without me.
    &&also, I've been watching tv lately and this show [Instant Star] has this amazing singer on it [Alexz Johnson] and there's this amazing song she wrote/sings [Skin] some of you might find it a good listen. She has a myspace, just looks her up under music. The song means different things to different people. Check it out.
    <33
    Love y'all
    Take Care.
     
  2. Well so I didn't really finish last night. Well, more like earlyearly yesterday morning for me. But I doubt we ever finish. There's never truly any closure is there? We think it's over but then everything gets set into action again and some of us can't handle that, even thuogh we act like we're okay. We think we got rid of something for good and it always comes back and the lost and broken don't know what to do. All I want is closure, for him to stop lying about being mad at me. I miss one of my best friends...
    Alek...he is tearing me apart and he thinks everything's fine. But I can't make him worry anymore because he needs me right now because people are walking out of his life and I can't tell him what he's done to me because I'm scared of what he'll do to himself. One of the most amazing people in my life who can always put things into perspective and make me stop what I'm doing in the nick of time is falling to pieces. He can't even see it...how far he's falling. He worries me so much. And I can't believe I'm making an entire post about him this just proves that Taylor [a best friend of mine] was right. She says I'm stuck in a love triangle and it's true. Until today I hadn't talked to Alek since me and Eldar started going out, and somehow today is different. Maybe I've lost my mind from the hours of old cartoons I was watching this morning...maybe I've just lost my mind. I can't explain it but I just can't get him out of my head. I made mistakes and he forgave me. I did some stupid stuff and he just acted like I'm perfect. He always knows what to do and what to say to drive me crazy...We're known at parties to be the entertainment, I can't remember a party that we were both at that me and him weren't dancing and having a great time and just forgetting everything and having fun. Well, there are two exceptions;;
    1) my birthday[[Kristin was there]]
    2)Halloween party[[Kristin was there]]
    It seems that she thinks she owns him and that any other girl getting near him is a threat. Newsflash to her, she doesn't own him, nobody does. She doesn't own anybody, and contrary to popular belief, no one likes her.
    And Alek is not her boyfriend so she needs to take a coupl of chill pills. I swear...I went up and hugged him [yeah it's how my friends say hello] and she gave me this look and came up next to me and was like whispering Why don't you just back of Michelle, he doesn't like you. I almost slapped her. I would've told her to go get some mental help or something but her dad was right there and he apparently has issues with either of us being with Alek. Which makes no sense because I can't like him like that because he has broken my friends hearts [not on purpose] and I'm going out with like one of his best friends.
    Gahh.
    I just need a loaded gun to make the thoughts stop. I've been thinking way too much lately and I'm trying to figure out the Eldar-Alek-Me thing because it is so confusing...gahh.
    Well I'm gonna shut up now I've got cleaning to do.
    Ciao.
     
  3. Hmm I'm basically all feeling tangled right now. I don't know why, I went to a great party tonight for a surprise party for my friend Kat. It was a lot fo fun. Like everyone there suffers with depression and yet we all get along great and are normally happy.
    Note I said normally.
    Tonight was soooo weird. Seven straight hours of emotionally unstable teens with mental issues.
    And Kristin and Alek were there too.
    So every five minutes someone would say to someone else 'Haha stupid emo kid' which is kinda an inside joke because I think Kristin is the only person there who hasn't ever done anything...stupid. Like cutting, smoking, drinking, and stuffz....yeah she was. And yeah so everyone theer was a cutter, which was entertaining because even though everyone knows who does and doesn't cut, we all act like we don't. Well, except me and Robert...we talk about it all the time.
    Hmm yeha...so it was a good-ish night but then something happened, I don't remember what, and I almost broke down. I've been on edge a lot lately. And earlier I was supposed to go to the movies but I didn't get to so I'm reallyreally POed that I didn't get to see Eldar. So I have to wait till tomorrow if I can see him tomorrow which is probably a negative because I have some family thing to go to tomorrow with one of my besties....lots of food and poker and randoum stupid conversations about nothing and everything all at once...Won't this be fun...
    Grr. I just feel like dying and I don't even know why because I should be happy but whatever. I'm fucked in the head. I feel like shooting something but I can't because it's like four in the morning and my gun isn't the quietest thing in the world...
    My dad bought a bottle of Gin or whatever tonight and so yeah. I could've and should've gotten wasted, but I don't know what stopped me. I mean I've broken promises before and I always get over it, but I can't lie to him. I'm tired of him worrying about me and alwaqys asking if everything's okay...I hate worrying people...
    Hmmm...getting off track here....so yeah about that bottle...
    My dad spends like a couple of hours in Fort Worth[which is like an hour away I think] and is a few hours late getting home [big surprise there] so I had to get a ride with my friend Emily to the party and I was freaking out because I didn't have a ride home because my dad was oh-so-obviously going to drink. So I ended up talking to Kristin's parents and they drove me home but they know too much for their own good and so I'm worried about their knowledge...maybe brainwashing...hmm....yeha I don't know what to do Kat and Emily told Kristin's dad about their little drinking experiences with Alek and then somehow MY name came up so they all thought I got drunk at Emily's. It's like wtff. Because I stay at home when I'm drunk...well, depending on how drunk I am...heh. But so Kristin's dad knows we like to drink and he's sorta a cop so he's watching us and weworry him and Emily 'disturbs' him [haha] so it's like grrr. But he let me off the hook for some reason...started lecturing me on my MySpace and that if I didn't set it to private he would hack into it and set it to privat efor me so that I can't be stalked or whatever....of course I had a bit or gin before the party so I was laughing and not paying attention. But yeha....
    Argh.. asdfj;lasdfasdfjalk;;
    &&that's all for now. My back hurts and my head hurts and my armm hurts and I need sleep.
    Time for sleeping pills. [they're my best friend right now]
    I'll be back in a few days. Sunday or Monday...depends on how things go tomorrow...
    Ciao.
     
  4. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    (((((Michelle)))))

    Havent seen you around in ages... good to hear from you again... although I hope you dont get annoyed with me saying that you ARE skinny... your MySpace pics etc are more than enough to tell me that. :hug:

    Take care of yourself.

    TDM
     
  5. Aw TDM I missed you. Hi. Yeah that's the problem everyone says I'm skinny I look in the mirror and say I AM THIN over and over again but I still feel fat...I feel unpretty. I strive for perfection and I can't even meet my own standards of what a teenage girl should look like.

    Mmkay so...update?
    Right not like anyone really listens to majority of my rants. [not only on here but other places..] but whatever, why not..

    Mmkay so this might just be totally randoum and stupid and whatever but most of the stuff I type/say is so w/e.

    Mmkay so I'm editing my page, trying to fix it trying to fix it because I can't fix anything else without horrible results...my parents start yelling at me and I'm in my ZONE I mean I am perfectly concentrating on this, I am lost to their world...I'm relaxing and doing what I love to do. So I'm lost in myself, in my work, in perfecting this because if it's not perfect I have a tendency to delete everything and try to start over...Mmkay so I was working and my mom is raising hell about me supposed to be in the shower six minutes ago,. So I'm like 'OHMYGAWD MOM. SIX MINUTES. I AM SOOO SORRY I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND I KNOW HOW LONG SIX MINUTES MUST BE TO SOMEONE WHO'S LIVED SO LONG. GIVE ME SIX MORE MINUTES AD I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.' because I'm not even paying attention or caring I mean I AM BUSY doing this it's what calms me down, I don't care how dorky everyone thinks it is. So my DAD decides he doesn't want to take any more of my shit and comes in here yelling and everything and just being himself [not good] and I told him to wait a minute because it was 11:10...I'm the kind of person who loves 11:11 wishies because there's always hope in them...in that something better can come out of this and wishes can come true. Then he started yelling at me more and gave me his LOOK [which I might explain later]&&so I'm taking all this and I glance at the clock...11:13. Eleven fucking thirteen. I sit here waiting to wish the same wish I've wished every night since forever and I miss it...and I feel horirble and I odn't care anymore. So I did something stupid;; I yelled back...and what do you know, that got him angrier. So I screwed up but her screwed it up and I know it sounds stupid and childish but 11:11 wishes are what I LIVE for. I'm serious I hardly ever miss them they just...I can't announce to the world why they're so important to me but they just are...so damn important. So right now I don't care about anything and it's 4:10 AM and I feel really horrible and I'm still awake because I know only two ways to fall asleep; alchohol and/or pills...I'm trying to stop both so I sit here awake, eating enough food to gain back the 15 lbs I worked so hard to lose...feeling forgotten and forsaken and just...just wronged. I can't say why because idk who's reading this but I just feel like sht. I want to die. Now. Someone give me a gun for Christmas, loaded with one bullet to end the pain, end the thinking, end the memories, just end everything. Life is really not worth living right now...that or a reason to live and I'm so screwed in the head right now I can't find any...they all have their downsides and no matter what I'm stuck in this house for four more years and you have NO idea how much that sucks. So kill me now becaues I'm not allowed to kill myself...Please&ThankYou.

    Well those are all my thoughts for now...well not all but some aren't meant for you to know. Some are so personal, so private, that no one knows them. I have to keep it like that for now...bye peoples. Sorry for wasting your time.


    &so she whispered kill me softly with strawberry gashes all over.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2006
  6. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I do actually read when you post... its just I dont always know what to say in reply, sorry!
    Ranting is good though heh... its good that you managed to get that all out... but I dont really know what to say in reply... so all I can really do is send hugs... sorry about that :hug:

    I hope you managed to fall asleep... I'm assuming you have lol because you're not online at the moment. A LOT of people I know say that they're fat even though they're skinny... me included. Admittedly I'm underweight... but thats another story lol :shy:

    TDM