Stabbed me in the back. Gahh I haven't been on here in a while. A whole lot has been happening...wow. And now I feel bad because the only time I get on is to crawl back for help. Wow I'm lame. But I've learned to live with things in the past months...a lot has happened. I quit horseback riding for a few reasons. 1)Money issues 2)My instructor was kinda a bitch 3)Bad memories 4)I didn't fit in there. I never would. 5)My father used to be in rodeo. I swore never to be like him so that was the simple fix. And so everything is falling apart...again. Well I've actually gotten quite a few friends and that is a great accomplishment for me. People who actually care when you're crying but will not restrain slapping you for being stupid. Or tackling you for no reason at all. I love these kids. We've helped each other deal with the suicidal thoughts, the cutting, anorexia, bilimia[sp?], and the list can go on. But only a few of them fully truly get me. Like, we may not believe the same things for the most part but the understanding and trust between us makes us just that much closer. I have a boyfriend. A month as of Wednesday and he's basically helped me through a lot of, to put it simply, shit. I also got a puppy, and though said puppy thinks aforementioned boyfriend is here for her entertainment, I love her. She is adorable and sweet and just a tad bit too hyper. She fights with my cat [and loses] and fights with my dog [still loses] but is so happy and always gets back up again. I love watching her. You can learn a lot from puppies. I've seen her help my cat kill a rat. [Disturbing, I know, but I got a lot out of that]. They are so different and supposedly hate eachother yet they can work together for a common cause...Even though I ended up having to pick up that common cause.... Yeah I've gained more understanding, a sense of humor, and people who generally make me happy. The depression always has to bite me in the ass whenever I'm doing good; it sucks but I'm working on making it better. I go to a psychiatrist in January or February [my other one refuses to see me anymore] and I'm getting new anti-depressants. Which, if anyone asked my closest friends, I'm in severe need of, and having them is reason enough for us to yell YAY HAPPY PILLS. Hmm yeah pills. I have many stories about pills. Lately I've been having bad insomnia and it doesn't bother me, but it gave me reason to get sleeping pills. Hahaha. -sarcasm- BAD IDEA. VERY BAD IDEA. At the least two of those and four of my ibuprofen tablets can knock me out for twelve hours. And people have tried ot wake me up without success. Lately I've been upping the doses, two nights ago it was four and a half sleeping pills [however many I can get my hands on] and six Ibuprofen pills. Kill the pain, kill the thoughts, it works. I'll take whatever I can get my hands on. I've become an all-around pill popper. I've taken them to the point of throwing up, which doesn't bother me since I've been throwing up a lot lately anyways. And even though I'm sick the hurling has nothing to do with it. I am just extremely self-conscious to the point of destruction. Since I can't be pretty I have to be thin. If I'm gonna be thin I've gotta work at it. Don't eat. Eating is for failures. Eating is the enemy. I'm tired of everyone saying 'Eat now.' and 'What the fuck Michelle! You're skinny as a pole!' because it's all lies and I don't trust them. But I've lost at least ten pounds so far and I'm working on it. On the topic of self destruction, since pill-popping and starving herself is never enough, of course there's more. I cut or burn on occassion, anything to get the pain. I pick fights and let the other person win [mostly] just for the hell of it. Just to feel the pain. Of course in the end I always win because I'm too cocky to lose a fight. I may be face down on the floor, bleeding with bruises and soon-to-be scars, but if I can feel the pain without being defeated I'm happy. But, I'm never really happy am I? There is no such thing as happiness, just the illusion of joy. We all think we're happy. Except Eldar, of course, he's almost always happy. Which is why it confuses me that he likes me. [he would be the aforementioned boyfriend] But it works. His always happy self and me in my semi-depressed stage most of the time, somewhow we work together. I guess opposites attract, though we're not entirely opposite. We like anime, manga, rock music, and we hang out with the same people. And we have like a bajillion other things in common. I love that kid. Simple as that. Oh, and I might as well mention in this monologue of sorts, my old psychiatrist [before he ditched me] is coming to the comclusion that I am bipolar. Amazing. I've been saying that for almost six years and it took him that long to even consider the idea. I swear half the 'professionals' these days need to get over themselves and get brains. Please&&ThankYou. And there is so much more that I could say, but where I'm at it'll be 5 A.M. soon. And since I don't go to school anymore [details later] I can sleep in as late as I want [not as glorious as one may think]. Well that's all the 'venting' I have time for. More of an update to come later, loves. I'm sick and have decided that sleep can't hurt [contrary to popular belief] Michelle//Tibby//Ataya//whatever you wanna call me PS::Not like I'm really on a lot, but I'll be out of town&&computerless for a week because I'm going to Kentucky. I'm sure you'll survive without me. &&also, I've been watching tv lately and this show [Instant Star] has this amazing singer on it [Alexz Johnson] and there's this amazing song she wrote/sings [Skin] some of you might find it a good listen. She has a myspace, just looks her up under music. The song means different things to different people. Check it out. <33 Love y'all Take Care.