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demanze

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#1
Hi, I'm 22 male, depressive with extremely intense suicidal thoughts, spanning over the last 8 months. I honestly don't know how I am still alive.

I'm in the last year of my CS Master degree (5 years of study). I spent my whole life playing videogames and doing computer programming, and those still technically are my main passions, though I no longer enjoy doing anything now.

I think one striking part of my depression is my virginity/inceldom. I never had any intimate contact with a woman, even though I am heterosexual and I have been romantically and sexually attracted to women my entire life (starting around age 7). I started masturbating daily starting at age 15 and never really stopped for more than 3 days in a row.

I also think the second problem is my current lack of independence. Because I study, I live with my parents and they do everything for me. They work, buy food, they cook, even wash my clothes. Even after taking a shower, I don't wash my towels, I just drop them on the floor. If I need to go somewhere they need to drive me because I haven't learned that yet either. They are willing because of hard studies and they care about me. I feel like if they disappeared I would not survive (in this civilisation) for one day. I feel because of the way I developed, I cannot function alone by myself at all. I feel intense psychological pain handling more than one task in one day. I am pretty certain that I have autism, including Asperger syndrome.

My main hobby for past 5 years is computer programming. I invested enormous amount of my free time in some big projects. I made videogame prototypes (a game similar to Minecraft), compilers and even a programming language of my own. I was very happy about some things I made but now I view them as "useless". In the current bottom situation that I'm in, I cannot finish any game or try to sell it. Like many kids I was dreaming of becoming millionaire or so, doing my own thing, escaping the pain of forced labor. So far my efforts are wasted.

Everything started breaking down after some bad rejections by 3 women in a row. I think I got rejected about 20 times in total. Basically, the scenario is always the same. I find some woman that I find attractive. I approach her, show her a good personality, show her I'm interested, show her that I have some potential in work/love, and then wait for minimum reciprocity. Then she picks another guy and they live happily ever after (in reality they breakup after 3 years, but that's not my problem). I feel like if I had been given a chance at some point, it would have avoided most of confidence and restricted interest problems.

Today, nearly every day I keep spiraling between rage mode, crying and convulsing in my bed. Months ago, I thought I was so obsessed with sex that I decided to pay for hookers. With the first hooker, she was very hot but I couldn't get a hard on. I realised my penis had a serious phimosis problem during erection (not being able to pull back the skin around the gland). I have a rather long erect penis (18 cm / 7 inch) which is supposed to be nice but also makes the problem worse. It doesn't prevent masturbation at all, but it makes me too stressed to do anything with a woman's body. I checked with the second hooker. Impossible to maintain an erection. At least I spent some time hugging and kissing but I was too sad to feel anything good. Then I never tried again. I realised what I wanted the most wasn't even sex, just the hugs and attention, which the hookers had no time for.

A week ago, I got a circumcision to fix the problem once for all. It was done perfectly by a skilled surgeon, but 10 minutes after surgery I developed an hematoma because of some internal bleeding. It turned my penis black/purple/red/yellow and doubled its diameter. The doctors say I'm perfectly OK, but as I'm writing this, I have to wait 3 weeks for my penis to become normal again. I am going insane, because for the first time in 7 years, I cannot masturbate.

At the same time, I'm doing a 6 months internship to finish to my Master degree. I don't receive a salary, but a small gratification which is the legal minimum here in France for an intern (500 euros/month). I don't care about the pay because I live with my parents. The internship is almost finished, and I have been completely unproductive. I don't know what I going to write 50 pages about, for my degree. The boss looks a bit angry/disappointed because he paid 3000 euros and didn't get all the crazy cheap programming that he dreamed of. But I don't even care. Just like at home, I am now completely unable to function at work. I just pretend that I do something, and then go back home.

I am scared about the future because I don't know what I'm going to become. Can a man live/function without ever experiencing love? I don't see that it is actually physically possible for me to work my way out of this. And I don't see that I actually still want to live after even if my problems are fixed. I talked about some of my problems with my dad but he doesn't understand because he wasn't a virgin at this age. He just tells me to be strong and keep moving forward. But I feel that I lack the necessary energy to do that.

I feel I have reached the point where even if I suddently got the things I want, I still would not be able to function properly because of what I have already experienced and how permanently broken I am.

Around people I'm perfectly capable of smiling and pretending everything is OK. But I'm dead inside. <mod edit - guidelines>

Today I'm posting this because of the intense and ridiculous suicidal thoughts. Basically I have those dark ideas revolving in my head, like taking a <mod edit - method> I never act on those ideas because I feel like I have something to live for and this is a ridiculous end to an enormous amount of work. I want to die only to remove the pain. The autistic/logical part of me tells me there's no point even in dying, but my disinterest in living is growing recently. Even about death I'm conflicted. Thoughts?
 
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#2
Sorry that you're going through this
I started masturbating daily starting at age 15 and never really stopped for more than 3 days in a row.
From the perspective of traditional Chinese medicine, a man in good health should not ejaculate more frequently than once every three days. A man in poor health should not ejaculate more frequently than once a week.

The links in my signature can connect you to some information about general treatments for depression. Acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine can treat depression and a wide variety of other conditions. I'll post a copy of the links in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

I realised what I wanted the most wasn't even sex, just the hugs and attention, which the hookers had no time for
There are massages that are designed to help treat depression. Maybe a massage for depression would help you feel better.
Can a man live/function without ever experiencing love?
Certainly men can live without romantic love. There have been many spiritual seekers, for example, who have lived in total celibacy.
 
#3
Thank you for being so open and honest. I admire that from someone your age as many men twice your age could not say personal things about them at that level. When my wrist was out of action for awhile(because of an attempt), it forced me to use my other hand for awhile, so I somewhat relate(Guys, masturbation is a fact of life, get over it. I don't know what the girls do, but for boys, ya once you hit that 12/13 age it's all over).

I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but for one yes it sounds like you need more independence, and your parents are actually hurting you in my opinion by doing so much for you at this time of life. It's healthy to do things for yourself as an adult, and teaches you how to survive at the same time. I can tell you this, your work effort has got to improve if you ever want to be in good standing with a boss. You can't(or shouldn't) live with mom or dad forever you know, and I'm just saying that for your own good.

So you're lonely at an age when you shouldn't... Well, I can't really help you in that department but I would say that don't hold so much value in intercourse or, 'Love', as you put it. Lot's of people do everyday and there's more important things in life. I actually think of it more as a 'distraction' sometimes, and wish people wouldn't put so much emphasis on it in society. I didn't have sex until 33, and too be honest it wasn't that spectacular... Guess I'm just not a 'sexual' guy, but fine whatever, to each his own. peace
 

demanze

Public Access
#5
So you're lonely at an age when you shouldn't... Well, I can't really help you in that department but I would say that don't hold so much value in intercourse or, 'Love', as you put it. Lot's of people do everyday and there's more important things in life. I actually think of it more as a 'distraction' sometimes, and wish people wouldn't put so much emphasis on it in society. I didn't have sex until 33, and too be honest it wasn't that spectacular... Guess I'm just not a 'sexual' guy, but fine whatever, to each his own. peace
About that... I think I am hypersexual. Hard to check because it looks the same than some normal guy who is just deprived for his entire teenage years.

I admire that some person can stay a virgin until 33 but for me it seems obviously impossible. If I remained a virgin, I would likely kill myself far before 30. But most likely, if I keep on living until that age then I simply won't remain a virgin. I will look for some partner and financial independence no matter that. Or I will hire 20 hookers until one can satisfy me. When I read about a 30/40 year old virgin it always seems like a person with low libido and an actual ability to live without pleasure. Most people seem to be like that after getting at least some satisfaction during their development. But then I'm the opposite of that case. I'm the crazy teen who develops an OCD about it.

About the independence, I obviously want it. I made some progress in past years. I learnt how to cook basic things, and because in the small company where I have my internship, you have to at least heat up your food and washes your dishes. I went to buy some stuff by myself in shops (I know it's ridiculous but just doing that was incredibly stressful for me). I still don't wash any clothes by myself. I made progress in other areas in past years. I bought some muscle building machines that I put in my bedroom to keep my body healthy. I also run / walk under the sun as much as possible.

I feel if I life went my pace, I would already have several children and I would focus on building and protecting my family. Those are my instincts. But I can't get there and I'm stuck in a "civilizational" prison. I feel the modern world is what blocks me. It's overly complex. My instincts tell me I would be happy improvising outside, killing things and gathering resources to survive. I would be a very violent and sexual animal. All of Earth would be my playing ground. I would probably have died at 20 but very fulfilled. But in this modern society I have to work, potentially getting manipulated by some boss/all of society in the process, to get currency, artificial value tokens, to buy a very limited amount of space and food. And other people's job is just to rig the game against me, by playing "Less for me, more for them". I could write a whole chapter on my aversion to society, but that's honestly how I feel inside.
 
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full

SF Supporter
#6
Hi demanze, welcome to SF. Sorry you pressed with issues lately, feeling suicidal cause of them. I am reading priority is losing virginity and as a guy can relate to that desire and assure you as your dad advised you if you keep moving forward you will succeed either with a hooker or free consent intimacy with a girl. And I hope you get lots of sex so you can have calm mind for other things. Remember to eat healthy and exercise for strength and energy are needed in the whole body.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#8
Good morning sir @demanze . I am glad you are here looking for life. I wish you the best in your search.

You don't mention porn but I assume you are looking at porn. Many young men your age have porn induced erectile disfunction (PIED). There is a book called "Your Brain on Porn" that details most of the problems you have with life; socially unable to connect with women, disinterest in life, etc. I would highly recommend reading it.

I think you are asking too much of yourself. A master's degree at age 22? That is quite the accomplishment. After that is over you will have time to learn to take care of yourself, become independent, and have sex with a woman you love.

I am wishing the best for you and hope you start feeling better soon.
 

demanze

Public Access
#9
Good morning sir @demanze
You don't mention porn but I assume you are looking at porn. Many young men your age have porn induced erectile disfunction (PIED). There is a book called "Your Brain on Porn" that details most of the problems you have with life; socially unable to connect with women, disinterest in life, etc. I would highly recommend reading it.
There was definitely a period in my life, around 15-18, where I watched a lot of porn. It was after I started masturbating at 15 (which is a late start, I think, but you'll see everything is late about me). I think at first I was completely disgusted by porn. I just wanted to see female bodies because I was naturally fantasizing about naked women before everything, I was only having small child erections. My first fantasies were about hugging and touching breasts. So porn was frustrating because it showed a lot of things I didn't actually want to do, like smashing ass and pussy in weird positions, and I had to sort to find the attractive bodies I wanted to see.

I think this can be explained by certain videogames, mixed with my autism. I started playing a 12+ game when I was about 8, called Guild Wars. Then stuff like World of Warcraft as well. Those games contain adult female bodies. They're never naked, but you can have your character in underwear or sexy armors that partly reveal boobs. Kinda funny but as a kid, I started becoming attracted to the bodies of other characters. This is the same effect than if a kid in real life was constantly surrounded by women in underwear during his entire childhood. I just wanted to touch or hug their body. Got into porn because I became obsessed with seeing the whole thing naked, because of the teasing.

Then after some years of masturbating, I started understanding and enjoying various categories of porn. But overall I think it's important to note, that porn has not significantly affected my development. I'm not a pervert. I would not be pushy, violent or abusive with a woman. I would not even push a partner to have my libido. And for the past 2 years, I watched porn maybe 10 times, and my masturbation is mostly driven by my imagination. I didn't get addicted to it.

Also I don't have erectile dysfunction. My erections are long and straight and immediate. Except during the hookers episode. I was too stressed because it was my first time, and the phimosis put extra pressure.
 
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#10
I am in the same situation but I have been depressed for many more time and I have not intention to pay an hooker to have sex
also I am too autistic to approach a girl and I became a social recluse after the end of the high school so ours is a shitty situation
 
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demanze

Public Access
#11
Some moderator keeps removing my photo. Can we have a talk about that? I understand there are arbitrary rules about that. But I care about how I look. It's part of who I am. It's the first thing and often the only thing that people know about me. When I approach some woman that's the only thing she will judge. The outside. And here I have to show only the inside? It's just too painful to proceed like this. I don't feel ugly or anything, just extremely inconfident.

Besides, some guy comes around and wants to kill himself and the first thing that happens is enforcing some rules against his will? I think society works a lot like that, enforcing rules and stomping everything regardless of how one feels about it, but here it doesn't feel appropriate/necessary.
 
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