all too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Dec 29, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    what will 2008 bring, more pain, more memories, more illnesses. Living in pain, living with torture, living to be hit, living to make others happy. Tired, not sleeping, in pain all the time. head hurting, feel dizzy, sick. what is the point in living another minute, another hour, another day just to be meet with the same or worse.

    I've been fighting, I meet a new guy 2 weeks ago, but its the same as always he just wants sex, he's demanding, he calls, and he's aggressive. the circle of life for me is this always. I don't want it anymore.

    I've lost all my family, friends, i'm tired of being so alone, feeling so lonely, hating myself, cutting no longer helps, drinking no longer helps, so alone with my thoughts, my feelings. its all become too much for me.
  2. ithuriel

    ithuriel Well-Known Member

    please do not give up:smile:
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    do i want another day like the last
    another year stuck in the past
    another minute, living like this
    someone is surly taking the piss

    reminders everywhere I go
    just waiting for another blow
    taunted by fear
    not able to cry a single tear

    living with pain and fear
    wondering who is near
    not believing all the years
    life isn't what it appears

    people around me, believing i'm okay
    but its my own fault, as its what I say
    how do u say, ur falling apart
    and that your ready to depart?

    Emotionally, financially,
    mentally and physically
    everything destroyed
    my life just a void

    No sleep, being ill
    just pop another pill
    all this caused from the pain inside
    but still I choose to hide.

    the years I don't believe
    the years I don't want to relive
    but memories, thoughts insist I do
    no control over anything I do.

    the past your told to let go
    but how when you have no control
    even today, the past holds me
    restricting everything I do to a degree.

    I try to trust, but then get scared
    I try to talk, but words are mumbled
    I can't get close,
    men nor women

    sex, cuddles, just remind me.
    my body, clams down, no control again
    I've tried to change.
    but I've lost in every way.

    The feelings of loneliness,
    trapped in distress
    my heads so confused
    trying to understand why I was abused.

    Who, what, when and why
    questions, I ask myself
    when did it start, when does it end
    life is over I can't pretend.

    I'm shake with every unknown noise
    get jealous with others joys
    My head goes fuzzy
    I start to fade away.

    I feel so young, do things I can't explain
    feelings, emotions I can't contain
    explosions, eruptions
    cause me so much disruption.

    Tell me again, how I can live another day?
    Tell me again, how I can let go off the past?
    I can't so tonight will be my last.
    Sorry, its all gone on too long.

    but never mind its only me
    no1 care what happens to me
    if I live or if I die
    it will be a blessing in disguise.

    fairwell, one more person missing in the world.
  4. ithuriel

    ithuriel Well-Known Member

    please stay , pretty please with a hug on account :smile:
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Nothing to say ATM. I am in tears just reading your poem.
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    How can I fight, I've given up, i'm not living, breathing, but not living. I'm too tired off everything. I'm sorry. I've tried, I just can't take another minute, another day. My stomach is ripped from being sick, my kidney is falling, theres' no future, no present. I'm so tired.
  7. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member


    Firstly happy new year.I think you are in the wrong job.. you should be poet laureate although to be so you would have to be a lot less gloomy!

    Why have you lost all your friends and family? What's going on ? How are your niece and nephew ? What is your work situation?

    I am pleased that you have met someone, have given someone a chance.In previous posts it did not seem that you were even prepared to do this. You are much stronger than you think as I have said to you before and this will assist you in everything that you do.

    You must make a new year's resolution to put a veil over the past and think only of the future.You are a strong enough person to do this, you would not be where you are if you weren't but you need to tell yourself this because until you do so and act accordingly you will be stuck in this groove, the only good from which comes are the demonstrations of latent poetic talent..
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The guy I meet was when I was drunk, he calls an average of 30 times a day..this is why I don't do relationships. I cant see him sober.

    My sister is splitting with her husband and therefore she has pushed everyone away. I had an arguement with my the only family I do speak to. friends are peed off with me cause I'm always down.

    I don't know how to look to the future, when everything I do, everything I don't do is because of the past, because things are still happening. I've quit counselling, theres not point. i've stopped teh anti-depressants, there's no point.

    I'm tired of everything, tired of life, tired of living like this.

    work have given me a warning, so I will be out of a job.

    it really is over for me, i'm sorry.
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    pls tell me I need to know how I can end this. I need this over, I need it over. I'm trying so trying to get it over with what else do I need to do. jump in front of a train or would I lose the nerve, jump from the tower bridge, infront of a tube, cut my writsts very deep and my ankles, how many pills, no amount of pills seem to work just make me very very sick. what can't I take control. why.
  10. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    why won't anyone tell me. i'm so pathetic and stupid I mess everything up. it doesn't matter I will make it work. I have to. i'm to drained to fight and breath another day.
  11. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    No. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It just might not seem that way at the moment.
  12. ithuriel

    ithuriel Well-Known Member

    please do not give up.
    heres a joke:smile:
    theres a plane flying over to the states from the u.k.
    suddenly it developes problems and the pilot says over the tannoy system that the plane is going down:eek:hmy:
    a young woman who is travelling alone is terrified and decides that if this is the end she at leasts wants to feel like a real woman.
    so she jumps up , strips off all her clothes and shouts , " someone , please make me feel like a real woman!"
    some guy near her slowly gets up , strips of his shirt and turns to her and says , " here , iron this.":laugh:
    if you are really adamant that you want to end it , stay here and i can come up with bad jokes all night , i can easily bore anyone to death when i need.
    though i would much rather make you smile:smile:
  13. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member


    You need to try to repair bridges with your family.Why has your sister pushed you away in the event of her split? I have recently split from my wife and I need my family more than ever now

    However the most worrying aspect of your post relates to your work.I have wondered for a while how you could co-exist with your work being largely oblivious to your problems and now it seems that you cannot.

    You have a number of decisions to make, new year resolutions if you like, regarding all sorts of things but your work situation must be number one.. if you get sacked,this is an almighty stain on a CV which I reckon is otherwise ok.. you said once before that you used to be good at your job and I believe you .You have to ask yourself if you can turn the situation around or if you need to find something else.. ie do you need to jup before being pushed?

    Also I do not think that giving up the counselling is a good thing at all .. if necessary get another counsellor on the basis that a change is as good as a rest

    You have got to start to lighten up ( this is what your friends are referring to).Practice some more poetry but ,please,not so gloomy this time..

    2008 is going to be a year of change for me.2007 has been total crap . I will look forward and not back,learn new things,meet new people.. all these things are exciting and yes scary .You need to force yourself to do the same,good luck.Call your sister and wish her a happy new year
  14. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    LOL :biggrin:
  15. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I hope 2008 will bring you peace and happiness - you deserve it!! xx
  16. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    hey baby, hang in there. come out of the darkness. you need to hang in there please. dont hurt yourself. talk to me. dont give up yet.x
  17. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. I found a lump on new years day (great start to 2008), I'm also late (another great start)...I've been so sick with worry, strange really considering I want to die, but now it seems that I could be ill, and the control to die has been taken away, I promise this, if it is serious that day I will end my life. I'm waiting to hear when I can get appt at docs, I don't hold out much for 2008. It seems I'm set to die, and I won't let it be taken out of my control. my own death is the only thing I have control over and I won't let an illness or anything take that away from me.

    200HATE. that's what this year is.
  18. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Jody, even with serious illnesses, it doesnt necessary mean one will die or else, a life time cure can be the solution.

    now before you fill up your mind with uncessary worries about your health, could you tell me what exactly the problem is? are you hurting? a bump somewhere? what is is????

    i agree with numberman. you are and can do many things to change and ameliorate your life.

    sorry fr not keeping in touch these days hun. i have been ill and under the weather to say the least but on my mind you are always dear child.

    :hug: to you from granny and please stay safe... i CARE

    with affection,
    granny xox
  19. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hi Jody, did you get to the GP yet? How are you doing?
  20. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Not been here for awhile Lost Child, i am happy to see your still staying strong and are with us.

    Keep strong no matter what life throws at you, your doing better then me from what i can see :D
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