My ex husband .... Has been the only person to push me to the brink of extreme depression and suicidal thoughts, cutting and even drug use. Yes I chose to... And I allowed these reactions to happen. He left me. We were together from age 15-29. He has BPD, hugely emphasizing the Grandiosity Delusional Disorder aspect of it. I'm 33. He remarried, had another baby and is divorcing. They're both alcoholics. I've never felt the urge to better my life after him. I existed and was exhausted. During this time if his divorce he came "back to me". So I convinced myself. We had "old times moments"... Until the other day I seen he misses her and her son and their baby and wants to be back with her. Tossing me to the garbage again. Not giving two shits about our three kids. Again. I haven't left the couch in three days. I just don't want to HURT. He can kill me inside. He knows it. It never ends. I allow it. I thought I grieved. I thought I was over him. After four years??!! Ok I'm sick. I relapsed in my recovery for three years drug free. It stopped the hurt for a while....I'm not stupid. I know it comes back. I know what I threw away for someone not worth it. I want to feel I have worth. I want my kids to have a life they deserve. Will they be better off without me? Maybe. Worse with him tho. I don't know how to get through each day with purpose anymore. Lost my job due to surgery in the fall. No real friends. Why? Everyone hurts you. I just don't know anymore.