Allowing people to hurt you

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Punkmom111, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    My ex husband .... Has been the only person to push me to the brink of extreme depression and suicidal thoughts, cutting and even drug use. Yes I chose to... And I allowed these reactions to happen.

    He left me. We were together from age 15-29. He has BPD, hugely emphasizing the Grandiosity Delusional Disorder aspect of it.
    I'm 33. He remarried, had another baby and is divorcing. They're both alcoholics.

    I've never felt the urge to better my life after him. I existed and was exhausted.
    During this time if his divorce he came "back to me". So I convinced myself. We had "old times moments"... Until the other day I seen he misses her and her son and their baby and wants to be back with her.
    Tossing me to the garbage again. Not giving two shits about our three kids. Again.

    I haven't left the couch in three days. I just don't want to HURT. He can kill me inside. He knows it. It never ends.

    I allow it. I thought I grieved. I thought I was over him. After four years??!!

    Ok I'm sick.
    I relapsed in my recovery for three years drug free. It stopped the hurt for a while....I'm not stupid. I know it comes back. I know what I threw away for someone not worth it.

    I want to feel I have worth.
    I want my kids to have a life they deserve. Will they be better off without me? Maybe. Worse with him tho.

    I don't know how to get through each day with purpose anymore.
    Lost my job due to surgery in the fall.
    No real friends. Why? Everyone hurts you.

    I just don't know anymore.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Your ex is not good for you- he is toxic to you and your well being. While it is far easier to say just forget about him and move on than to do, that is your only way forward. With him having spent all of your developmental years with you together I am sure that is very scary and hard. Get the help of a counselor but stop any and all interactions with your ex- block his phone, FB, everything and get on with trying to fix your life because it is impossible to fix the past and that is what is happening when you try to be around him - only instead of it fixing things just the same repeated bad habits will come again and again. Please get some professional help with moving on with your life- once you realize how much is out there that you have missed by having spent all of it the same way you will be able to move forward with excitement and not looking back except a a few good memories hopefully.

    I wish you luck and you deserve to have your OWN life now so please do not give up now that you finally have a real chance :hug:
  3. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    Makes sense.... And I have been in counseling about this. Obviously, to no avail.
    I know he is toxic. I know nothing will change. Sadly with kids I am forced minimal interaction as well. The past is exactly that and I know this. But I can't (won't??) let go. As much pain as he causes me I wish I could. And when I do... Few months later I'm sucked back in.
    Thank you for your input. It's helpful. I wish my sick mind would actually listen!
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    As someone with BPD myself, I can tell you that people with BPD tend to jump around from relationship to relationship when they are not happy in the one that they are in. When he was having problems with her, he went back to you, then he got bored or unhappy and wanted her again. Typical BPD behavior. Ive done it before too. During a big fight with one of my exs, I left and went back to another ex, then went back to the first one again when problems arose with the other one...and so on and so forth. I could not make up my mind about what I wanted. I must have went back and forth at least 3 or 4 times between them. Bottom line is, when he does that, do not take him back because hes only doing it to not be alone...not because he cares about you. I would know. People with BPD cant stand to ever be alone, they always have to be in a relationship. And most of the time, their relationships are toxic in some the alcoholism you mentioned.
  5. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    That is so correct and dead on. During our marriage I tried to help him, and he admitted he's the kind of person that can't be alone.
    So I fall victim to "Saving him" when I need to save myself.
    I didn't know BPD did that. They questioned if I had it - ended up being diagnosed A-Typical Bipolar. Thank you for the insight.

    Now to get it through My heart there's no helping at this point; kicker is..... This second wife (soon to be ex) was his first high school sweetheart.
    I was the second.

    Not a fun life to lead. And sure feel inadequate to anyone else as a partner or even friend.
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    When did you last get diagnosed? If it was more than a year ago, then maybe try to get re-diagnosed and see if anything has changed. Also, BPD is very difficult to diagnose. When I suspected I had it, I had to describe to my doctor why I thought I had each and every BPD symptom and how it showed up in my every day behavior in order for him to diagnose me as having it. If I hadn't gone out of my way to look that up myself and provide him my own insight as to how and why I had those symptoms, he wouldn't have bothered asking me all those questions considering we only had an hour. And if that was the case, I probably would have been misdiagnosed as Bipolar or something. Now, in my opinion, it's completely ridiculous that patients have to take things into their own hands these days to get a proper diagnosis but that's how it is with certain disorders. If you don't, it would probably take a very long time for doctors to recognize it on their own. Plus, if they don't really know you that well as a patient, they have no clue what the right questions to ask are. So, I find that it helps to be insightful and aware of your own problems when it comes to getting evaluated. If you suspect you may have it too, maybe look up the symptoms of BPD before you go to the doctor and see if you think they fit you, so you can talk about it at the appointment.

    But yeah, I've done a lot of my own research on it. It helps a little bit to know what you have and why. That way when you do certain things, you can look back on the patterns and think about why you did what you did and what the better thing to do would have been for next time. I'm not going to lie, being self-aware doesn't automatically help fix everything, but it does help a little bit. If you know what's going on with you, then at least you have a chance to fix it. If you don't even realize what you're doing when you do it, on the other hand, chances are you'll keep repeating the same behaviors for a long time. And the inability to be alone as well as the fear of being abandoned are two very big things that I still need to keep working on. And from what you said it definitely seems like your ex has the same issues. So, definitely don't expose yourself to those types of behaviors. People with BPD can be very manipulative and lie that they want to be with you because they care about you (and hell, they may even delude themselves that they are telling the truth), but in reality, if they just broke up with somebody then chances are its not because they care, it's how they deal with their negative feelings.
  7. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    My bad, double posted by accident.
  8. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    They originally thought I had ADHD as a child. My grandmother said I was poster child for Ritalin. (Lovely memories) I was the loud crazy an boarder line obnoxious high school student (learned to keep it in check for sake of cruelty of other teens) and jus went through all the "depression" and "musical meds"
    Two years ago they diagnosed the bipolar. I don't have a neat category. I went in from a psych ward trip saying I believed it was bpd. I don't recall which branch. But her diagnosis Seemed to fit better.
    Self awareness is where I stumble too. Because i do have bouts of mania. And wow.... I'm all over the board. I despise it. Then everyone assumes I'm using drugs again because the behavior is erratic.

    I see the specialist every 3 months. So we will see... She actually listens well. I just keep waiting for the day I feel "normal" or the perception of normal.

    And when you speak of the bpd traits it's describing my ex to a Tee. The Grandiosity Delusional is where he struggles. He believes his own ridiculous stories and how "respected" he is in the business community when sadly he's joke.
    And it's sad I know more about his disorders than my own....
  9. Punkmom111

    Punkmom111 Member

    And I struggled to reply message. I'm not sure if it went through to you.