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Almost 30...not sure i'll make it there

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by janasaurusrex, Jun 20, 2012.

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  1. janasaurusrex

    janasaurusrex New Member

    I'm a 29 year old female who just quit her awesome job due to being sexually harassed by the boss's wife....yes his wife. How embarrassing. I was gonna fight for some money there but the company has good lawyers and my boss...well former boss is extremely intimidating, and i'm not a strong person.

    I turn 30 on July 14th, if i let that happen. I just put on a brave act all day to my friends but at night i cry my eyes out and down sleeping pills so i can forget my existance.

    Not only do i have no job now, i have no man either. I'm not very attractive, i'm chubby, and i'm too tall. Guys seem to hate chicks who are like 5'10, so the chance of me finding a guy is slim. I've had relationships but the last guy dumped me because he wanted to find someone who looked better with him (yes thats what he said!)

    I'm going to my parent's house today to pick up a few things and while i'm there i plan to look into my life insurance and see if suicide is covered because i want my family to atleast get some money when i die. It's probably the best i can do for them. And if not then i have to make everything look like an accident and well, thats alot harder to do.

    I have tried to kill myself in the past and came close, this time a shotgun instead of pills sure seems like a better idea. However, knowing me, i'll probably fail just like i have throughout my whole life and just end up missing a part of my skull or something. Thankfully its impossible to become any uglied than I already am:)
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Hang in there Jan, things will get better... eventually. If you kill yourself you won't ever find another great job with a non creepy bosses wife, or a great guy who isn't such a jerk ;) Right now everything seems completely hopeless, but you don't have to act on those impulsive thoughts. There is help out there, do what you can to get that help right now. Even if you have no insurance or money, there are options for mental health services. You feel like a failure, I get that trust me I do, but but the state of mind you are in right now is going to trick you into doing something you really don't want to do. Please, get some help, reach out.
  3. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Calm down and just realise this is only temporary , you just need to concentrate on yourself for a while .
    Put yourself first , the world and everything second , true beauty is always on the inside , never on the outside .
    If you think the outside is a mess , imagine your innerself , outside looks money/diet/willpower can fix it sooner or later , a goal you can easily achieve if you want.
    But inner beauty , well that is hard to get , remember if you don´t stand up for yourself , nobody else will .
    If you find yourself ugly and unworthy , who is going to find you pretty and worthy ?

    So just fix yourself one step at a time . a goal worth striving for , beats shooting yourself with a shotgun .
  4. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about the job situation, :hug: That is really messed up :(
    Calm down, though!! You'll find anther job, soon!! Things will work out, Okay! Just give it some time.
    I understand how you feel when you think it's the only choice, but... there are other options.
    You said you where suicidal in the past... is this from depression... if so, what caused the depression?

    Have you ever talked to a therapist? At least give talking to your doctor and a therapist a shot, see if they can help you figure things out!!!

    Please be safe-
    ((hugs)) sea

    PS, Guys like girls who are tall o_O
  5. janasaurusrex

    janasaurusrex New Member

    Thanks for the words, i dont know if words help, but I broke down when i was at my parent's place this morning and told them i want to kill myself and i got the whole "oh shut up, you're stupid"comment from my dad and then my mom just kept telling me, oh you'll find another job. And yes i can find another job, but my father is kind of hard to deal with and if it's not a job that's worthy of telling people about he will be dissappointed. I'm a people pleaser, and damn it's hard to please everyone. I know im only supposed to try and please myself, but I dont even know how to do that.

    When i got back to my home my one roommate was here, i broke down as soon as i saw her and spilled my guts. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget my existance but as soon as i mentioned i wanted to kill myself she demanded i either go to a doctor at a medical clinic or she would call 911. I forgot she worked at a women's shelter where she deals with this stuff all the time. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I know alot of you are thinking "oh thats great", but no, I feel like an utter and complete loser and the experience today has totally made me want to end it. I got the whole "you're so selfish" talk when i mentioned killing myself. Pfffttt, i know i'm being selfish. Well aware. And at the doc, they gave me antidepressants. Big deal, they won't kick in right away and you gotta love the side effect of "may cause suicidal thoughts" Bahahaha. I've been on antidepressants years ago, didnt really need em, just dealt with it. The doc put me on mirtazapine today...im scared it will make me gain weight so i dont even know if i'll take one pill or not. I'm needing to lose weight and that caused my depression before and ever review about this drug tells me im gonna gain. That's kinda counterproductive in helping my "depression" i'd say.

    Anyways, im home now and my roommate has told tons of people about my suicidal feelings, so now im being a hermit and avoiding everyone. I usually put on an awesome "im so happy act". But today i just dont feel like it. So to sleep i go, even though its only 4pm
  6. Sgm72

    Sgm72 Member

    I'm in a similar position to you I've lost my job,it wasn't a well paid job so I've nothing to fall back on I've currently got £6 to my name and that is to feed me for 2 week, which I know won't last I've asked for help but every door gets closed so I'm thinking that by the weekend I'll be out of food and money for an entire week,I've looked at insurance policies myself and my daughter would not get a penny if I was found to have committed suicide,so I'm goingvto have to rethink my actions,one think positive I can say to you is that I find that I find all shapes and sizes attractive,it's what's on the inside that counts but I blame society for all the stereotypical labelling we can't all look like brad Pitt,angelina Jolie
  7. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry your dad was not supportive :(

    Your roommate sounds like a loving caring person and what your dad should of sounded like.
    Please, let her take care of you.... if you get so unwell you can not control your thoughts!!!
    She sounds like an awesome person, that will help you in this situation.

    If you really don't want to take the Mirtazapine you could ask your doctor if you could take Welbutrin, which is proven to help weight loss and is a stimulate to help depression
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm well we all have to make choices. Even if you love your job someone can ruin it. So I think you made the right choice. I used to my like my previous job. Then my job started to suck so I found a new one and quit. I am sure you can find another job.

    As for being chubby, well that is something that you can fix. I cannot help you with your height. However, a little extra body fat is something you can control. I can give you some advice on that. I have lost lots of weight over the past two years. I am sure I can help you. Well that is if you are willing to be dedicated. Go ahead and give me a PM. Maybe you can focus on getting a job and losing weight until you are 30?
  9. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are feeling the way that you are. I can totally relate. I want to kill myself the same way.
    I think your life is worth living though. I see your life getting better. P.S. Being tall is a good thing. Men like tall Women.
    I'm 5' 9''.
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    That sucks about your boss's wife...but you are better off not being in an environment like that. Even if the job was awesome, you need to be somewhere you can feel comfortable. I'm not that great looking, and I guess my personality is abrasive...though I do have good qualities, people usually seem to focus on the bad. Any guy that says you're not good looking enough for him sucks anyway, so don't worry about that.

    Sorry to hear about how your parents acted...my family doesn't understand where I'm coming from either. I was in so much emotional pain today, that I was crying so hard...I think i screamed or yelled at one point...certainly not intentionally...and everyone got mad that I woke them up. I hate when people say suicide is selfish, they can't possibly know what you're going through. I'm 27 so I don't know if I'll make it to 30...or even past this year...but let's just keep up hope that something will get better. :)
  11. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Get over the shame , it is beter to have it out in the open , then suffering quietly , it is a phase that will pass .
    Now it is also phase that makes you realise what you have , not what you are , what you had .. but what you want to achieve.
    Stop dreaming a dream , and trying to live a dream .
    Only so few make it there and even then the dream is the same as those who didn´t made it . problems just in a different spectrum .
    It doesn´t solve anything , in the end all you have is what you have , what you want to achieve .
    That shame is simply yourself telling you , stop running and about your friend she seems like a good one .
    Just sorry a bit of discretion and respect might have helped , and about your parents yeah not the smart thing to do .
    But otherside all of them know you a lot beter then we do .

    In the end you only tell your tale , when there is always a different side of the coin .
    You want sympathy you got it , you want a hug sure , but honestly I think time to wake up a bit , don´t let those feelings linger too long.
    Cause it will only get worst , don´t put a happy face anymore for the people around you .
    Just put up if you can´t stand it too bad , but put up a happy face to get a new job tough .
    Unlike others you don´t have the age advangetage soon , the faster you get a new job , the faster you pickup the pieces .
    The longer you wait , the bigger the mountain , and about depression it is normal to be depressed .
    Sorry a whole multibillion dollar industry is run on depression and therapie, so if one doesn´t understand you find another .
    So if you can´t find a way out on your own , use that industry .
  12. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    I know how hard it is when no one understands you. If you can find another job, you should go for it. Fyi I've been single and unemployed for 90% of my entire life and im 27 going into 30.
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