Almost a month clean from dope (heroin)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Sep 20, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I have 24 days clean today. Less than a week now until the one month mark. Shit's been really tough. I'm not sure how I made it this far even. I still want to get high all the time, but I've been okay enough not to act on it. Only shitty thing is that my stomach's been killing me the past week or so, which makes me want to get high even more. But the reason it hurts in the first place is because I got high. Opiates constipate me and screw up my digestive system and shit. So obviously it'd be stupid to just use and make it worse. Knowing that is what's stopping me. Well, that, and the fact that I met someone I really care about and don't want to ruin it. But it just sucks because doctors can't do much about it. Medicine doesn't do much. I sure as hell can't do anything about it. Death would fix it. But I have a boyfriend now who I love, so I don't want to die. So, I'm kind of screwed. Sigh.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Way to go hun staying clean you are very strong I do hope you can get some supports in place to help you stay clean ok hugs
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I do have a lot of support now from NA. Fortunately for me, I stopped being a stubborn asshole and trying to do it all on my own. Now I don't have to. I'm still stuck taking Suboxone, though. That's part of what's fucking up my stomach too, but it's so fucking hard to wean off. I'm trying, though. I'm slowly going down by quarters of a milligram every few days. But I'm just happy to be off the harder shit. Last time I got high...god, I did half a bundle and I remember thinking "I don't even want the other half. I wish I could just get rid of it." But even though i felt that way, I couldn't stop. It was like I was fucking possessed. I couldn't put down the needle. It felt like I was torturing myself on purpose. I felt so much hatred toward myself. So much desperation and helplessness. I wished someone would just come bursting through the door and take it away from me, but I was alone that night, on the bathroom floor, with a needle in my arm. I'm glad I don't have to go through that again, just for today.
  4. nigrolet

    nigrolet New Member

    Congrats on your sober time! A month seems like a thousand years to me right now.

    Re the bolded: I'd give anything to be in that situation right now. Where the hell is my dealer when I need her?
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Congrats, keep up the good work! :hug:
  6. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I struggle with abusing just about anything I can get my hands on, so, all the power in the world to you for getting sober and sticking with it! You're a very strong person, that much is clear. I find if I'm struggling with using drugs too often (I was briefly REALLY addicted to cocaine) I tell someone I want to stop and tell them to ask me about it daily, almost nagging me about it, because sometimes that's just what you need. Someone to remind you that you once said, "Do not let me do this to myself anymore" and to stick with it no matter how difficult.
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