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almost a year and i blew it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by abyss, Sep 25, 2008.

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  1. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    went a year without cutting and after the lameness of yesterday that just wouldnt right itself its all i could do. i broke my promise and i cut. now i feel so horrible. i broke my promise. i caved in. i had made it almost a year. now i'm just eaten up with guilt and shame.

    everything got all messed up. i couldn't even sleep last night. my mind was haunted with thoughts i couldn't bear to think of. i fell asleep on the couch watching disney movies. i woke up feeling no better. still lost and detatched. panic was still close around the edges of my sense and i had to. nothing else was going to fix it.

    it didnt fix it. it brought me back to myself some, but my mind's still racing. i want to swear off sex forever. i don't ever want to think about it again. its wrong, disgusting, dirty, vile.

    now i keep thinking i should just follow through and bleed out before he gets home. that way i don't have to tell him i broke my word. don't have to deal with this feeling anymore. i'm so useless.
  2. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    Don't beat yourself up...that just makes it even worse. I guess I shouldn't say anything though because I've been cutting myself a while now but I see absolutely nothing wrong with it...some people binge, some people purge, and I cut...I think it's natural...it's my coping system...but if it's something that truly makes you feel bad then don't make it worse by telling yourself you're a bad person...people slip up all the time...just like people who smoke...they will go cold turkey for years and one day just have that 1 ciggy...it's up to you to either stand up and keep going realizing your mistake or fall back in the same routine.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Abyss, ditto, dont be so hard on yourself. Yes you slipped. But you recognize it hun. You arent making excuses for it. Now you need to get back on track. You did it for a whole year!!!! I'm so proud of your accomplishment. Now start counting again. I'm a severe cutter myself and have never even tried to stop in any real way. I just dont see myself as having the oomph to do it. But you did, be proud of the effort you put into that and keep going. Do it because you can. Hold on to the feelings you are experiencing right now. And when you feel the urge to slip again, replay these feelings. Remember how badly you felt for slipping and let it help get you past the next slip (although I dont think there will be one). Good luck!!!
  4. iwillbeok

    iwillbeok Active Member

    Hugs to you, abyss.
    Like the others said, don't chastize yourself too much. You recognize that it's unhealthy behavior. You slipped. We all do that. You've done really well to make it a year. Don't forget that.

    Edit: I don't mean to downplay your pain at all. Re-reading my post it sounded like I was all "meh, no big deal, get over it". I hope it didn't come across that was at all.
    You are not useless. You are a worthy person. I hope you can realize that. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2008
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    thx guys. i'm not sure if i'm ready to start again cold turkey, but i feel a bit better.
  6. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    i'm glad you feel better. It's hard going cold turkey, for me physical pain is so much better then emotional.
  7. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    sooo true
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all fall off the wagon...sometimes I eat the most fattening, richest things I can fit in my mouth, only to feel like a beached whale...forgive yourself and move on...the more you beat yourself up, and the longer you wait...the harder it will be...all the best, J
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Abyss,
    Don't let the not wanting to have sex anymore eat you up either. There is nothing wrong with being celibate. I am going on twenty years. I don't miss it, I guess because everyone I was with cheated on me when I was working to support there ass's.
    I had finally had my fill of it and decided to be alone till the end. Sooner or later the end will come. It would have been soon but my sister found the means I was hording. She took it away from me so now I have to come up with a new idea.
    Well take care of yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed about!! I hope to read your posts for a long while!!! Take Care!~Joseph~
  10. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    don't plan, don't horde... stay here with me. i like reading your posts joseph. lol, hi btw. i want you to stay too.
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