went a year without cutting and after the lameness of yesterday that just wouldnt right itself its all i could do. i broke my promise and i cut. now i feel so horrible. i broke my promise. i caved in. i had made it almost a year. now i'm just eaten up with guilt and shame. everything got all messed up. i couldn't even sleep last night. my mind was haunted with thoughts i couldn't bear to think of. i fell asleep on the couch watching disney movies. i woke up feeling no better. still lost and detatched. panic was still close around the edges of my sense and i had to. nothing else was going to fix it. it didnt fix it. it brought me back to myself some, but my mind's still racing. i want to swear off sex forever. i don't ever want to think about it again. its wrong, disgusting, dirty, vile. now i keep thinking i should just follow through and bleed out before he gets home. that way i don't have to tell him i broke my word. don't have to deal with this feeling anymore. i'm so useless.