almost coming up for 7years ago *maybe trig*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by crookxshanks, Feb 4, 2009.

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  1. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    ive never really come into this part of the forum for fear of confronting what happened as it terrifies me. im still terrified of anyone who likes like him and i back into a corner and cry anytime i do see someone

    this is the first time ive ever really talked about it to anyone beyond my boyfriend and rarely do i mention it to my shrink, so kind of skirting because just so scared

    how do i deal with it all? i dont know how to cope because i just want to forget that it ever happened. but because the date of when it happened is coming up, night of feb 13th / feb 14th, im getting the flashbacks come thick and fast. im waking up in the middle of the night with the nightmares more vivid and real than usual. and im just terrified of it all

    i dont even like saying or hearing the word. to me its just known as 'r-word'. what happend that night totally destroyed me and took away every part of me. since then all ive ever felt like is violated and destroyed with a problem so over-whelming that it kills me inside at times because i dont ever want to talk about it or go anywhere near it because of how terrified i am

    im sat here typing this out in floods of tears because of how scared i am of peoples reactions. how im going to be judged? will people believe me because some didnt when they first found out?

    sorry for skirting so much but just so scared :cry:
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i know this was hard for you hun but sometimes its good to just get it out there, no one will judge you or think bad off you for what happened, remember this wasn't your fault.
    when the date comes round maybe spending the night with 's' will be best for you.
    with 's' you have a future in which you wil be safe and loved, remember that when you feel bad again hun.

    take care

    andy x
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I don't know about other people, but here you'll find nothing but support. Almost everyone in this section has had to deal with something in their past that keeps coming back with disgusting vividness. :hug: I'm so sorry that someone hurt you like that.

    It's absolutely not your fault. This is a place of healing, not judging. :hug:. My abuse got really bad for me after teh decade mark. And this forum - this subforum - has been particularly helpful in dealing with some issue.s.

  4. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    :hug: hun you know you can talk to me! please don't feel like you can't.
    and simon is there for you to talk to as well so you shouldn't feel bad about depending on him around this time!
    with the flashbacks, i know it's SO hard to stop your mind cloud from judgement, but you have to try and think rationally and simply about what you do for the next few weeks while it all comes and goes. otherwise you're just going to get yourself caught up in the emotion of it all which causes more flashbacks. okay?
    whenever you need to talk i'm here, it helps to talk, you know it does, you've helped me so much in the past! so if i'm not online you can text me and keep your hands busy so you don't hurt yourself okay! there are plenty of people on here willing to give you help and support too :hug:
    try and get as much sleep as possible because all this is most probably going to ware you out... and eat!
    hun, we're not here to judge, we all have our own problems so we can't judge anyway. we're here to help you. just let us help you okay :hug::hug:
  5. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i have flash backs a lot too
    but not because of the same thing.
    i know how youre feeling :hug:
    maybe talk to your shrink about getting
    some sleeping medication??

    :hug: stay in there.
  6. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    This is indeed experiences that are very hard to deal with. You did the right thing in opening your heart and let us support you in these trying times.

    You are an awesome person crookxshanks and you deserve to be happy. If you need to vent, you have my email my friend. I will be there and you can say what ever is on your mind, I will listen.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You've made a huge step in opening up here :hug: :hug: seeing how scared you are

    Only you will know if the help given to you, from here, or therapists will be of help. Nobody here is ever going to say it's your fault. No way. But we aren't therapists, and individuals to react to things differently. I was wondering what kind of therapist you see, if any, apart from a psychiatrist? A good counsellor trained in working with traumatised people does go a long way in providing practical help of the 'here and now' to help you with flashbacks and to stop any kind of depression/self harm spiral out of control, but also to articulate the wound that happened 7 years ago that has petrified you and made you want to hide away out of protection/survival :hug:

    And from what I read, you're so hurt and terrified, and, those people, you mention, those people that didn't believe you at first- their behaviour is despicable and must have hurt you so much that you find opening up a daunting/ retraumatising experience.

    I believe you. I believe you hurt so badly. I believe you're scared of the 13th/14th and I believe you're craving help and support for whatever happened.

    It's completely understandable though, to want to forget. It's okay to try and forget, thing is, sometimes the way of 'forgetting' can be a type of avoidance that can be unhelpful at times :dunno: I don't know. Maybe you know better than me, if any of the words above made sense.

    If you're not seeing a therapist, they can be of help and they shouldn't judge you and should create a safe environment where you can explore your feelings at a safe pace and at your own time.

    I recently found, when I'm at a period similar to you- high anxiety and flashbacks, is to take everything at snail pace, loads of sleeping, lots of strategies to 'deal with the flashback' and calm myself/soothe myself. Things like warm showers, massages, hot/warm nourishing food. Simple, necessary, comforting things your body needs, as your body/mind/soul has been hurt and is suffering and might be crying out for just simple things like rest and comfort, and if you can do that yourself, then that's a good skill to help make this period a less horrible time for you.

    Look after yourself and take care of yourself gently.. I'm not much good help in terms of talking at the moment but I'll be thinking of you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2009
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    PS. Don't feel you have to reply to me, if you feel unable to. I do understand the difficulty to talk about things that are so painful.

    :hug: I hope you're keeping yourself safe.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2009
  9. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    thank you for the replies.

    i am trying my hardest, i really am, to open up to all the different type of therapists that i see but im scared that the more i do the more severe the flashbacks and nightmares will become as it seems to becoming that way and so im just wanting everything to go away. for me to curl up and hide away somewhere but i know thats not possible as it does exist and i can never forget that

    i just wish i could be able to say the word and not let it be known as r-word. i feel so stupid that something can make me so terrified of a word in the english language. like im really pathetic for feeling that way.

    i really hate that man for killing my soul, my life and generally making me terrified of so much. not to mention making me convinced that its all my fault and that no matter what anyone says i will never be able to not believe that :cry:
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yes, that man is disgusting and I hate him too for hurting you so badly and making you feel like it's your fault when it's not , it's not your fault :hug:

    The nightmares you're experiencing is understandable because you're approaching difficult, potentially life-threatening territory with your therapists.

    It's okay to want to curl up and hide away. I do that all the time when I've had a flashback, it's understandable, it's a human need of protection/comfort that you want because your boundaries have been so badly violated in the past. And if you don't want to talk about something unsafe then maybe it's just not the right time.

    Maybe, try and not push yourself too hard with 'opening up', and 'going somewhere' that you feel is the place to be with your therapists- just engaging with them in any way, is a huge step. Maybe you just aren't ready because you're trying to survive with what's happened and things that are out of control at the moment, which are the flashbacks and nightmares and also the self hate for being so scared. Try not beat yourself up about feeling so scared- your fear, your avoidance of the r-word shows how much you hurt. It's okay to call it the r-word. It's an ugly word and abhorrent behaviour, anyway, isn't it? You aren't pathetic, not at all. You're a wonderful, beautiful woman and you're suffering. You're suffering, you're understandably scared for so many reasons, and you're not to blame for your feelings.
  11. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    oh why did i start this thread
    its just made everything worse :cry:
  12. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    so proud of you
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: it will get better and i agree with what andy said. you're going through something very understandable.

    we're all here for you.
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