Almost Done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LemonLime11, Jan 3, 2014.

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  1. LemonLime11

    LemonLime11 Member

    Hello everyone--

    I've felt sad and anxious for most of my life (suspect I may have bipolar disorder). I'm 32 now (a guy), and in the last few years things have really declined. I had such high hopes for myself. I went to college in my early 20s and then moved to another state to go to graduate school. I completed all the coursework but couldn't finish the capstone thesis. After I dropped out of graduate school, I bounced from job to job and saw a steady decline.

    I was working as caregiver for a woman with a spinal cord injury up until about 13 months ago, but then had to quit that job. Now I'm a freelance writer and have been barely scraping by on monthly bills. I owe thousands in old student loans, have credit card debt, and am behind on my taxes from last year. My credit is shredded. I now rent a room from an older female friend as a last option.

    There was a point a few years ago when I was so poor that I lived in a hotel for around 5 nights each week. On many occasions, I did not have enough money for the other 1 or 2 nights and had to live on the street. This is so embarrassing that I can barely type it without tearing up.

    I've always loved reading, music, science, animals and most other things under the grand sun. But I can hardly think or move anymore. On some days I'll get a surge of energy and will convince myself that I'm going to learn piano or read a biology textbook and become an expert on the life sciences (weird). On other days, I'm afraid to leave my room to even go to the kitchen and get something to eat or drink.

    I sometimes go for months without talking to my parents or siblings because I have nothing new to say or I'm embarrassed that I screwed something up (I missed sending a card for my dad's birthday and then hated myself and couldn't let it go).

    There isn't any color in the world anymore. I wouldn't even begin to know how to dig myself out of my hole. I likely need a lawyer (for bankruptcy), a psychologist, a dentist (need a couple of root canals), and more. I've only got a few dollars to my name and so completely out of it that I can hardly be proactive anything. I've got all of my possessions piled in my room here and don't even have a car anymore.

    I'm embarrassed, sad, anxious, and feel that I'm ugly. I don't reach out to friends (or make new ones) because I'm afraid they won't want to be friends with someone who is poor and has nothing. I feel like an anchor has been tied to my heart and soul and I can't possibly climb upward.

    Thanks for reading. Sorry to be so long.
     
  2. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    First of all...don't be embarrassed :)
    I kind of know how you feel...at some point in my love we were so poor, I hadn't food or anything...
    But personally I think that you should start coming out of your shell.
    Did you talk with you family about hwo you feel?
    Mabye they can help you.
    Otherwise, we are here for you :hug:
     
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