Almost ended it today

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jacob1973, Jul 20, 2009.

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  1. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I almost did it! All I had to do was kick out the chair and all my problems would have ended. Yet, I couldnt do it! WTH! I'm trying to not cry, but damn it all! All my hopes and dreams are over! I hate my life! I cant focus long enough to do my homework for my college classes, so Im flunking out again! I force myself to focus when I am at work only because my job is so dangerous that I dont want to hurt someone else. I havnt ate much in 2 days, and cant sleep! I am sooo tired of my F'N life! I am lonely, living in a tiny town that I just moved to just for my job. I only know a few people (barely), and just have withdrawn even more. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    I feel like a zombie in life! :zombie:
  2. I'm sorry that things are so hopeless right now. I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. Try to go thru the motions of eating right and sleeping and going to work for a couple of days, without worrying about anything else. Sometimes, that helps me get back on track.

    It sounds like you are trying to do a lot of things in your life at once, and that's impressive. Hang in there!
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm really glad you're still here. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but as long as you're still alive, there's hope.

    Here if you ever feel like talking.
  4. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I am just so tired of my life. I am writing my goodbye letters to my mom, dad, brother(and sisterinlaw), 2 sisters (and brotherinlaws), and the host of neices and nephews. The kids are too young to understand, but one day they will.

    I havn't gone outside of my apartment much in 2 weeks except for work. I took yesterday off to rest, but am so screwed up, I cant sleep.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Instead of writing goodbye letters to all those people, can you talk to any of them about how you really feel? Would they understand?
  6. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    me 2...i almost ended today...but,im so cowered & i didnt do it..
    i just wanna say that im glad im not alone...there r others like me..& that comforteble 2 me & i hope comfortable 2 u
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry you feel so like this have you tried seeking help? reaching out to those around you? would they understand? we are here for you so next time yoou get an urge come to us if you have no one else
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you picture their faces when they read your goodbye letters their pain
    their guilt I would suggest you call crisis line next time so you can get the help to stop this pain not your life. Get help to stop the pain. As with your college courses talk with your councillor see if you can get extentiions on projects bring a note from your therapist doctor explaining your depression. See if councillor can helpyou with getting your credits. Don't give up hope reach out to hospital emerg to crisis linee to people here. Get help to stop your Pain not end your life.
  9. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I just got home from work. I just did the bare minimal to do my job. I dont want to get in a situation where I might hurt myself at work, because it also means that others could be hurt. THat is the last thing I want to do.

    I dont know what else to say.. I have fought these thoughts of suicide for 25 years. Its been really bad the past 5 years, and only getting worse.
  10. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    Still around, thought tomarrow was a day off, but now i gotta wait 2 more day.. god i need a darn day off!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Jacob :arms:

    I'm glad you're still with us :)

    I agree with wildcherry, instead of writing goodbye letters to your family,talk to them, what's the worst that could happen by opening up? :hug:
  12. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    Here I am, 36 years of age, and I should have my life going on strong. Yet its the exact opposite. I overheard my dad telling my mom while she was talking with me on phone that he was worried that I would kill myself. She told me that I am "overly sensative"... and that "i let things get to me". Maybe she's right, but I just dont know anymore. I feel completely worthless. I dont have enough money in bank to pay all my bills. I going to miss my house payment for first time. I dont know if I can pay my apartment payment either. I have had it up for sale for 6 months, and just dont know if it will sell (parents are trying to help me on that with the realitor). I have food in cubard, but I havnt been eatng well. Mostly junk food when i do eat. I feel like shit. I dont know how much longer I will go before I kill myself. I am very much on the edge. I already tried once, but it didnt succeed becaue I wasn't fully prepared.. I just woke up and rushed and tried, and then stopped just before. I am so screwed up in life and am such a complete failure that I cant even succeed at killing myself. :mad:

    I am mad at myself.. I got 3 days off, and ive spent most of the time playing video games and sleeping. My house looks like a wreck, just like I am. OMG what the F"N is wrong with me!

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