Almost killed myself last month

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by TG123, Jan 3, 2007.

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  1. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    This December was probably the shittiest month for me in all of years.

    I wanted to be good friends with some people and they decided they want nothing to do with me. It's like I don't know how to be a normal person- I get passionate and excited and probably over-friendly without realizing it and scare people off. Began a Christian social justice group in September to oppose war and help people out and challenge the capitalism and imperialism in our society, but almost no one came out to our events and nobody cares. Had some discipline problems in the school where I'm student teaching and they only got worse as time went on. I fucked up everything in my life. In December I thought of how I failed to have friends, failed in serving God, failed in following Him. Really hated myself, and to be quite honest I still do.

    I seriously thought about suicide 3 times, and tried once by swallowing a bunch of Tylenol pills hoping it would somehow kill me. Luckily I'm a bit of a szrewup so I fucked up in that too. Don't even know if it's possible to kill yourself that way. Result was a shitty stomachache and nothing else. Cut myself a whole bunch of times, first time in my life I did that.

    Felt like shit all the way, kind of ironic since I'm always posting here and telling people about God and how He will never give up on them and how with Him nothing is hopeless, yet I felt so far from Him and so devastated that I tried taking my life even as I was telling others not to!

    Back at university and few minutes ago sat with the people who didn't want to talk to me all Christmas break or return calls or even emails or even say 'Merry Christmas' when I sent them my wishes. Because of that and a whole bunch of other stuff I almost killed myself. I didn't know what to say to them or even tell them 'how my break went' assuming they asked. They didn't, and I'm glad. Just went on their way and I went on mine.

    I've recommitted my life to Christ though. I don't care that much anymore if no one wants to talk to me or if my friends don't like me anymore and turn their backs on me. God is my shepherd and my Leader and He will pull me through. I apologized to Him for wanting and trying to kill myself, I still sometimes feel like I want to die but I will let Him take me when He wills it.

    I'm going to try to shut off all emotions for myself from now on. Not care about how others treat me or how I feel. I love God and I care for others but I will not be sad anymore about being lonely.

    I want to become a soldier.

    The Bible says we are to be Christ's soldiers. A good soldier follows his General and doesnt worry about himself. A good soldier is ready to jump in front of a gun for the Mission, and doesn't give a shit if he lives or dies. A good soldier keeps himself physically and mentally fit but only for the Mission.

    My old life I pray to God is now over. I am His soldier and I am going to serve Him. What happens to me is irrelevant.

    I'm going to work more to help people and to live out the Gospel and be ready to give everything for it at any moment's notice. Being ignored and left out used to hurt, but I don't think it will anymoreI am dead to myself, and now only want to live and die for God.

    That is my New Year's Resolution. I am a fucking soldier and all that matters is serving my Leader and Saviour. My feelings, emotions, thoughts, worries, sensitivities are all irrelevant. I am on a Mission to serve God and hope to never again be misdirected by caring for myself.

    I was born again to die for God. I've been re-energized, and I'm on fire with the Holy Spirit. And I'm looking for gasoline, because I'm gonna be ablaze with Him and the fire will only die out when I do!

    Sorry for the rant and rave these thoughts just came to me and I wanted to share them with someone. Maybe you think I'm crazy, that's OK.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh TG :hug: :hug:

    It sounds to me that at some point in your life you had an epithany and it's turned you into a bit of an evangelist. Trouble with most people is that evangelism smacks of extremism and makes them run a mile. This may be what happened with the people you were trying to be friends with, they thought "hello religious nut" and ran for it.

    Remember : Matthew 7:6

    You cannot force people to believe and no matter how much you want to spread this wonderful feeling you have for God, a lot of people just don't want to hear it or care for that matter.

    Can I suggest finding an established religious group that shares your beliefs and feelings. When I joined the Legion of Mary (a catholic rosary group) I felt immediately at home.
    Also I worked for the Simeon Community when I lived in London, we went out at night with a mobile soup kitchen and fed the homeless, alcoholics and drug addicts. We collected clothes for the homeless and visited people in prison.

    Matthew 25: 31-46

    Loving God can be a quiet affair, but you can still spread his message by the way you live, what you do and how you comport yourself.

    Let the tree be known by its fruit.

    God Bless
  3. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I believe that you cannot love your neighbour if you cannot love yourself
    I also believe that you cannot love God if you do not love yourself

    It seems to me that you are trying to be deserving of God's love, that you "failed in serving God, failed in following Him", so you're gonna be a soldier for him. Fine be a soldier, but that won't make God love you more. I guess I believe in God, I've no idea what sort of God, but I guess it's one that loves the birds and the trees and so I guess even me.

    Despite feeling this I too am sad because I'm lonely, I'm sad because I have no real friends, but I welcome that sadness. I simply used to be angry, and then I just shut off all my feelings and didn't care at all. That's why I came on this site, I hated the person doing this had made me . I've pretty much left now, I've left feeling sad and feeling lonely, though this is good and brings me much hope, because it shows that I still have the capacity to grow as a person and more importantly the capacity to love.

    May God bless you,


    "If your attitude is not right, then even if you are surrounded by good friends and the best facilities, you cannot be happy. This is why mental attitude is more important than external conditions" - The Dalai Lama
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2007
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I hate it that so many of us are lonely and sad. Perhaps this new year we will see a happier time and if not we still got each other.
  5. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Devastated,

    You are definitely correct about the epiphany in my life. If you are interested in reading my faith testimony I can pass it forward to you via email, but if not that is OK too.

    Actually in most cases I don't get very outspoken about God although I should do so more. I'm learning to be a teacher in the public school system so that involves providing a lot of emotional support and friendship and help to kids. I try to show them things which are definitely part of Christ's teachings like unconditional love and caring and being passionate about helping others. So many kids I've worked with as a student teacher and a teaching assistant beforethat have been abused and are hurting and angry and sad. I can (and do) tell them I'll always be there for them and encourage them and help them whenever I can and always give them another chance, but I can't say what would help so many of them.

    I can't tell them the Truth- that God loves them and will always be there for them, that He will NEVER reject them even if others do, that Jesus died on the cross for them so that no matter what their parents/'friends'/bullies/neighbours/anyone else may say, they are NEVER worthless or hopeless because God loved them so much He died for them. I can't tell them that if they accept Him as their Saviour and Lord, they will have guaranteed their eternal future in Heaven and that God will be by them and love them and forgive them ALWAYS.
    That really frustrates me, but it's the way things are now.

    Thanks for the Bible passages. I really love Matt 25:31-46 and agree that whatever we do to help those who are suffering we are doing in service to Christ. Those who turn their backs on them turn their backs on Him.

    I need to do more to help others around me. I've volunteered in youth programs and bought lunch and ate with homeless people on the street and have been involved in and organized campaigns to stop deportations of refugee claimants and in the peace movement as well as my profession (hopefully in 2 years) but there is so much more I could do and should be doing and hopefully soon will be doing.

    I also believe though that evangelism and social action shouldn't be a matter of 'or' but 'and'. When we marched against the war in Iraq, we expressed Biblical opposition to war not just our views. When we campaigned against the deportation of a Muslim man (who thank God has not been deported and still is here) the Christians I led in this campaign did it in His name- and neither the man or his family were offended and we still keep in touch. When I ate with homeless people we would often talk about God over lunch. I never made 'believing' a condition for buying food, and we would start talking after we ate. I'd never push the subject and if they didn't want to talk about faith we wouldn't.

    No, don't get me wrong. I'm not some 'hero' or something, and am not fit to lick the boots of people who have actually REALLY done a lot for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm no one special and am not sharing this info with you to show off how 'good' I am (I'm not), but to show that we can help others as well as preach the Gospel. It can be done in many ways.

    I wish you all the best in '07 as well. :biggrin:

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  6. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Ziggy, I replied to your post in your email.

    Take care, bro and God bless you too.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I would love to know how you reached this point in your life. My email address is in my profile.
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