This December was probably the shittiest month for me in all of years.
I wanted to be good friends with some people and they decided they want nothing to do with me. It's like I don't know how to be a normal person- I get passionate and excited and probably over-friendly without realizing it and scare people off. Began a Christian social justice group in September to oppose war and help people out and challenge the capitalism and imperialism in our society, but almost no one came out to our events and nobody cares. Had some discipline problems in the school where I'm student teaching and they only got worse as time went on. I fucked up everything in my life. In December I thought of how I failed to have friends, failed in serving God, failed in following Him. Really hated myself, and to be quite honest I still do.
I seriously thought about suicide 3 times, and tried once by swallowing a bunch of Tylenol pills hoping it would somehow kill me. Luckily I'm a bit of a szrewup so I fucked up in that too. Don't even know if it's possible to kill yourself that way. Result was a shitty stomachache and nothing else. Cut myself a whole bunch of times, first time in my life I did that.
Felt like shit all the way, kind of ironic since I'm always posting here and telling people about God and how He will never give up on them and how with Him nothing is hopeless, yet I felt so far from Him and so devastated that I tried taking my life even as I was telling others not to!
Back at university and few minutes ago sat with the people who didn't want to talk to me all Christmas break or return calls or even emails or even say 'Merry Christmas' when I sent them my wishes. Because of that and a whole bunch of other stuff I almost killed myself. I didn't know what to say to them or even tell them 'how my break went' assuming they asked. They didn't, and I'm glad. Just went on their way and I went on mine.
I've recommitted my life to Christ though. I don't care that much anymore if no one wants to talk to me or if my friends don't like me anymore and turn their backs on me. God is my shepherd and my Leader and He will pull me through. I apologized to Him for wanting and trying to kill myself, I still sometimes feel like I want to die but I will let Him take me when He wills it.
I'm going to try to shut off all emotions for myself from now on. Not care about how others treat me or how I feel. I love God and I care for others but I will not be sad anymore about being lonely.
I want to become a soldier.
The Bible says we are to be Christ's soldiers. A good soldier follows his General and doesnt worry about himself. A good soldier is ready to jump in front of a gun for the Mission, and doesn't give a shit if he lives or dies. A good soldier keeps himself physically and mentally fit but only for the Mission.
My old life I pray to God is now over. I am His soldier and I am going to serve Him. What happens to me is irrelevant.
I'm going to work more to help people and to live out the Gospel and be ready to give everything for it at any moment's notice. Being ignored and left out used to hurt, but I don't think it will anymoreI am dead to myself, and now only want to live and die for God.
That is my New Year's Resolution. I am a fucking soldier and all that matters is serving my Leader and Saviour. My feelings, emotions, thoughts, worries, sensitivities are all irrelevant. I am on a Mission to serve God and hope to never again be misdirected by caring for myself.
I was born again to die for God. I've been re-energized, and I'm on fire with the Holy Spirit. And I'm looking for gasoline, because I'm gonna be ablaze with Him and the fire will only die out when I do!
Sorry for the rant and rave these thoughts just came to me and I wanted to share them with someone. Maybe you think I'm crazy, that's OK.
Cristo Vive!
- Tomasz
I wanted to be good friends with some people and they decided they want nothing to do with me. It's like I don't know how to be a normal person- I get passionate and excited and probably over-friendly without realizing it and scare people off. Began a Christian social justice group in September to oppose war and help people out and challenge the capitalism and imperialism in our society, but almost no one came out to our events and nobody cares. Had some discipline problems in the school where I'm student teaching and they only got worse as time went on. I fucked up everything in my life. In December I thought of how I failed to have friends, failed in serving God, failed in following Him. Really hated myself, and to be quite honest I still do.
I seriously thought about suicide 3 times, and tried once by swallowing a bunch of Tylenol pills hoping it would somehow kill me. Luckily I'm a bit of a szrewup so I fucked up in that too. Don't even know if it's possible to kill yourself that way. Result was a shitty stomachache and nothing else. Cut myself a whole bunch of times, first time in my life I did that.
Felt like shit all the way, kind of ironic since I'm always posting here and telling people about God and how He will never give up on them and how with Him nothing is hopeless, yet I felt so far from Him and so devastated that I tried taking my life even as I was telling others not to!
Back at university and few minutes ago sat with the people who didn't want to talk to me all Christmas break or return calls or even emails or even say 'Merry Christmas' when I sent them my wishes. Because of that and a whole bunch of other stuff I almost killed myself. I didn't know what to say to them or even tell them 'how my break went' assuming they asked. They didn't, and I'm glad. Just went on their way and I went on mine.
I've recommitted my life to Christ though. I don't care that much anymore if no one wants to talk to me or if my friends don't like me anymore and turn their backs on me. God is my shepherd and my Leader and He will pull me through. I apologized to Him for wanting and trying to kill myself, I still sometimes feel like I want to die but I will let Him take me when He wills it.
I'm going to try to shut off all emotions for myself from now on. Not care about how others treat me or how I feel. I love God and I care for others but I will not be sad anymore about being lonely.
I want to become a soldier.
The Bible says we are to be Christ's soldiers. A good soldier follows his General and doesnt worry about himself. A good soldier is ready to jump in front of a gun for the Mission, and doesn't give a shit if he lives or dies. A good soldier keeps himself physically and mentally fit but only for the Mission.
My old life I pray to God is now over. I am His soldier and I am going to serve Him. What happens to me is irrelevant.
I'm going to work more to help people and to live out the Gospel and be ready to give everything for it at any moment's notice. Being ignored and left out used to hurt, but I don't think it will anymoreI am dead to myself, and now only want to live and die for God.
That is my New Year's Resolution. I am a fucking soldier and all that matters is serving my Leader and Saviour. My feelings, emotions, thoughts, worries, sensitivities are all irrelevant. I am on a Mission to serve God and hope to never again be misdirected by caring for myself.
I was born again to die for God. I've been re-energized, and I'm on fire with the Holy Spirit. And I'm looking for gasoline, because I'm gonna be ablaze with Him and the fire will only die out when I do!
Sorry for the rant and rave these thoughts just came to me and I wanted to share them with someone. Maybe you think I'm crazy, that's OK.
Cristo Vive!
- Tomasz
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