Almost laughable?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Financier, Apr 28, 2007.

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  1. Financier

    Financier Member

    A few years ago, I would have laughed at the prospect of making my numerous problems known to the general public- people I don't know. And yet now it makes far more sense.

    Due to having a somewhat 'active' internet presence, I intend to keep several details of my life personal, so forgive my vague nature as I skip and hop around my short story here.

    I'm in my late twenties, a somewhat lucrative investments analyst, owner of a mid-sized investments and legal financial consultant group - as a kid I was thrilled by the prospect of money, and decided that I would dedicate my life to the study of such. I graduated from a somewhat prestigious school in the US with a law degree a number of years ago (not Harvard... heh, not that prestigious). I find myself to be living proof that money does not solve any problems, it just makes them worse. I'm a strong Atheist and a self-proclaimed nihilist, and can relate to almost all schools of thought. I find myself best when immersed in music- I stray from what someone of my race would stereotypically listen to (rap music), instead spreading across numerous genres - rap, classical, heavy metal, metalcore, all those sub-genres, jazz, alternative rock, swing, acoustic rock- you name it- I listen to it.

    Around the age of 15 - I was struck with a somewhat stunning realization of the uselessness of life itself. The superficial nature of my schoolmates and the sheer naivete of everyone around me was suffocating. I saw no point to life, and saw no need to live.

    I fell in love, numerous times, and saw the light at the end of my tunnel. My need to love was my life. I saw that dependence on another person was a striking difference to my personality, based on independence itself. But when I can look into the eyes of a woman I love, and have her look back at me, and know that I am needed, loved; all my problems dissolve...

    I've been on several antidepressants since the age of 16-ish, and take a prescription painkiller (I don't think giving the names of medication is exactly kosher around here, hm?) for constant migraine headaches, coupled with the stress of my work. Lately (last few months, probably year) this just hasn't been enough. I see my therapist weekly, and things just aren't enough. I've been strung along in love lately, been twisted by my own emotions, and let my wallet do the talking for me in far too many occasions. Around 3 months ago I attempted suicide via an undisclosed method, and failed abysmally- not for lack of trying. I was hospitalized for about a week, at which point I was discharged.

    My 'philosophy' requires me to have a reason for living. And when I can't find my reason, or it lets me down- I see the only conclusion is to stop living. Naturally I'm intelligent enough to grasp the third person view (i.e. from the top, looking down on myself), but my depression is rooted in my own self-loathing, and for no particular reason.

    Let me be the one to assure someone, that if you insist that money will solve your problems- whatever they may be; you are severely wrong. It does nothing but make them worse.

    That's me, in a nutshell. I don't seek compassion really- just trying to let this out, I suppose. Expect to see me around then, hm?

    Best Wishes,
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu sound like you've had more than your share of problems in your life so far. You said you don't expect compassion, just come here to let it out. Well, that's what we're here for: to listen you you when you need to let it out, to empathize with your troubles, as we all have troubles of our own. To understand you as best we can, and to love you and offer our friendship.

    I hope you find friends and support and hope here - I did.:smile:

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. Thank you for taking the time to let us get to know you a little bit. I am looking forward to getting to know you better around the forum. Take care. :hug:
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni


    Welcome to the forum, I hope you find the site useful, if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.. Hang in there and take care. :hug:
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF.

    Hope you find some support here.

  6. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome Financier, i hope u can find some support here
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