It. I Know people whom i talk to alot on here have noticed i havent been online for a the past 5days well not very much i cant even remeber the last time i signed on here to be honest. but sunday night i got fed up after another argument with my family and a tough day at work where no-one can attempt to understand why i am so quiet and why i dont want to involve myself with outside things i just want to do my job and go home. well this day was the worst. i dont know what made it so bad but it wasnt bareable. I got home around 8pm boyfriend wasnt in so i figured id go in the hotub in the summer house in the garden, it was then that it hit me. that i didnt want to be here anymore... it made sense. i wouldnt make anyone feel guilty about my death, it would just be an "accident" right? fell asleep because of the heat? sliped under and drowned? well after drinking heavily... this is what i did... and the reason im still here? my boyfriend came home early from this thing he was going to with his friends. but mostly what i can remeber in those very few moments is feeling like i wanted to go to sleep under the water... i wish he could have just let me go. as much as i love him. i know he doesnt need me. the way he looks at me its almost like hes waiting for me to mess up aagain.. it hasnt changed how i feel... i still want to die.. i dont want to live in pain anymore ii dont want to suffer to life. i know. im heartless.