Almost out of money

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DatAlgorithm, Dec 8, 2015.

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  1. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    very soon, I won't have any money at all. I'll be so broke, I couldn't even pay for the internet so I could look for work. I hate getting my hours cut at work to unsustainable levels and having to look for work with employers laughing in my face being an unhireable piece of shit once again. Then, there's the other side I hate just as much; the prospect of having to work 6 days a week and 50+ hours a week... it's like, what's the point of even having ONE day off and one's own place in that case? Anyone who does that may as well a. sleep on their parents' couch b. join the military c. go completely Amish or any fucked up oxymoron of any of the above. I hate myself for not being enough of a conformist or talented enough to live a happy life, but at least that explains why the 1-2 years I attempted community college were the most miserable years of my life. I can't think of one good quality that's of any use that makes me happy about myself. If I'm to live on, I'll probably be unhappy for the rest of my life since therapy and pills don't work and I'm probably allergic to alcohol. Don't even get me started on the "weekend warrior" "do my passions as a hobby only" shit either; I'd rather be a complete drone with no free time than do that. The "weekend warriors" I've known throughout my life have been the most uptight, soulless, snarky people I have ever met.

    Maybe all this is just me not loving being life's speedbag enough to be happy and thus I'm like a defective robot that was never scrapped, salvaged or even shut off. That Radiohead song "No Surprises" is on repeat in my head. I'm about to give up on singing and acting and even weight lifting for good since I am terrible at all those things even though they're the only reason I've bothered living on. From here on out it's either physical or spiritual death for me.

    I am a terrible person. One of the worst in the entire world and I can't wait to die.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You're not a terrible person, I just want to tell you I read your post and that I care. Please don't do anything to harm yourself, you never know what is around the corner for you, no one does but whatever it is I hope it gets better for you. No one deserves to feel like that.
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