Almost succeeded, but failed.

I overdosed just a few weeks ago. I thought this time I would succeed, but I failed. I woke up in the hospital so angry. Today I'm on the fence about wanting to hurt myself again. Overall looking in my life is fantastic, but inside I hold a lot of guilt for hurting those close to me physically and mentally. I want to change and have asked for help. I put myself in drug treatment. 5 months clean next week! I see a therapist weekly , I've been on meds (I'm bipolar II and BPD) consistently for 5 years and currently looking for help with my anger/domestic violence issues. I've been doing the foot work to get better. Something feels like it's missing though and I wonder if I'll ever be "normal." I wonder if this horrible cycle will ever end?

 

It sounds like you're doing all the right steps and you are making progress (5 months clean, CONGRATS!). The road to total wellness is a long one. It is winding, narrow, and full of bumps, detours, and pot holes along the way. It has very few downward sloops; the majority of it is uphill... and not just hills, but mountains. I vacationed a few times in Death Valley (USA), one of the lowest spots on the planet and surrounded by high mountains. Imagine you are somewhere between that bottom desert and the snow capped mountains up above. You're climbing out, but it's gonna take a while.

Keep going forward. Keep heading for the destination. Life is the destination point and death is that desert down below you. You're not down there any more, you're part way up. Don't lose the momentum. Keep climbing.