Almost succeeded..

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by tommytoxen, May 23, 2011.

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  1. tommytoxen

    tommytoxen New Member

    A few months ago life got too much. Last year I lost my job, my friends, and what hurt the most, my fiancee all in the space of a few months, so took to drinking heavily and taking what ever substances I could get my hands on.

    So in March, I <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I don't know why I did it, I'd felt fine all day, I was just sat watching tv, bored, thinking, and thought f it, and just downed it all within the space of an hour. TBH that's all I can remember, the only thing I remember after that is waking up in Rotherham general a week later.

    I'd been in a coma, kidneys were shutting down, but I pulled through. I just remember that first moment my eyes opened, I couldn't see, or think, everything was just hazy, like a dream, I thought I was dead, that first moment I woke up, I think I smiled, I just remembered a huge rush of relief, and then I assume I just dozed off. I woke up again two days later, what ever they were dripping into me seems to had worked as I woke up properly this time, and realized I was actually in the hospital, and that's when the huge rush of depression, and disappointment, and upset, and anger hit.

    I took enough crap to kill an elephant, why was I alive?! I hated the person who found me on the bathroom floor, and I hated the doctors for saving me, it's my right to die is it not?! It's MY choice, nobody has a right to interfere.

    I was locked in a mental health wing for a while, then was released as long as I went into a crisis centre, I stayed for 7 days, and after another reassessment I was passed onto the care of family on condition I keep in regular tough with my social worker, see my GP once a week and turn up to all psychiatrist appointments.

    Now, life's worse than ever, cos even though I'm alive, I'm ill all the time, I'm tired all the time, everytime I go out with friends for a drink I know I might die because the alcohol along with all my medication I'm on could shut my kidneys down as they haven't recovered from the ordeal.

    I'm a prisoner now, I'm not allowed to be alone for long, my parents are treating me like a kid watching over me, keeping medication locked up and giving me my meds themselves, won't let me pick up my own prescription, my mum got my doctor to give me a med4 and she won't let me work, when all I want to do is get my own flat, and get back to work, and see if I can salvage some life.

    They don't understand that all this 'protecting me from harming myself' is now the reason I DO want to die. Because this is no life at all. I can't sleep, I'm barely eating, I'm stressed all the time, I'm tense all the time, I just want my freedom back :(

    This life is even harder than the one I had before
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Give them reason to trust you again it is hard for your parents so hard you don't understand the fear you have instilled in them now. Show them you can be trusted talk to your councillors see if you can get a volunteer job to show them you can go back to work okay it will take along time to build the trust back hugs
     
  3. Mr. Goldstein

    Mr. Goldstein Well-Known Member

    Modern western society believes that you don't have the right to kill yourself. Western society is very cruel: everyone enjoys causing pain to others, it is the basic ethos.
     
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