Almost there...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Questa_Bella_Vita_*MUTED*, Oct 5, 2009.

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  1. Hello everyone...

    Its been an age since I posted, so Im sorry if I break any rules... :biggrin:

    Last year, in September, I experienced something for the first time in my life...

    For some unknown reason, everything just 'fixed' itself... and I mean everything... I was like that unknowing child that I had been; going where I wanted/needed without feeling agoraphobic, self-conscience or anxious...

    I managed to lose 2 stone (24lbs) in two months because suddenly I was able to actually go to my local pool, change into my swimming shorts, get in the pool and swim without a seconds hesitation...

    From September till Christmas, I swam everyday, did my A-Level work, socialized with my friends, went clubbing etc all with a smile on my face, and that feeling of confidence that just 'is'...

    I had the best Christmas that I have had for 10 years that year, and I was happy to beginning a new year, full of possibilities.

    In January, once the swimming bathes had opened for business again I started my swimming again... and on the third of January my 'life pattern' kicked back in again...

    In the changing room, I experienced something that reminded me so fully of being 12 years old again, that i had to run home from the pool crying my eyes out...

    I can't keep this up... every time I manage to 'stand up' something happens that slaps me back down SO hard... it's really really starting to get to me now that I'm in my twenty's... I know that that is what life is like, but other people seem to get the occasional 'big slap', but mainly 'little slaps' so to speak...

    I know that there is a part of me that doesn't want me to succeed in my weight loss program, because once I've lost the weight I know that i will suddenly have to deal with things that I just don't want to deal with. (Sex, relationships, socializing with new people, going back to University...) since my weight is the reason that I believe have stopped me doing all of these things...

    So I might be seeing what is actually a 'small slap' as a 'big slap' just to keep myself safe from answering the huge questions in my life that I just don't want to deal with.

    Now that I've written this, I'm not sure why I have. I think I just needed to vent...

    -John- :hugtackles:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2009
  2. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey John, no, of course you haven't broke any rules. Its great to have you back my friend.

    It would be good if you could tell us what happened at the changing room and what it reminded you of, you can also PM me if you prefer. But if you don't want to talk about it, I understand but also urge you to see a therapist. It seems you have repressed memories and ghosts from the past haunting you. You should talk about those with a professional.

    Keep posting, we're here for you.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have accomplish so much and now would be a good time to go to a psychologist to talk about your past. You need to talk to someone so you can move forward continue to do well. Don't let the past take over again stay in the present and talking with a professional they will help you deal with all the pain they will help you to finally put it all to rest It is good you can come here to post Keep up all the great accomplishments you have done but get help in dealing with the pain okay
     
  4. Hi

    Thank you for the posts ~violet~ and Ordep..! :grouphug:

    I entered puberty at 8... unheard of for a male, but it was induced as a side effect of drugs that I had to take after a VERY serious illness (talking REALY deathbed kinda stuff).

    So for me, changing in the changing room at 12 was horrible... I was a 6 foot tall boy, with full body hair (I am quite hairy) standing there amongst boys...

    It also didnt help that the games masters at my first secondary school (it was an all boys school) insisted on full showers at the end of games, and that you had to be NAKED to do so...

    Between the name calling for my body hair, the fear of taking my clothes off (in the usual young teen way), the fact that I was hugely over weight due to the sudden puberty AND the fact that I was bullied for being gay (I am not gay, but that isnt really the point) I have SO many bad memories of getting changed in locker rooms...

    On the day in question, just as I got into my stool in the locker room, this group of young lads (about 13-14) entered ALL of the stools around mine... they were perfectly nice, but were acting the way that I remember boys acting at that age in locker rooms. It was all harm less, but I was catapulted back to my past, and literally froze in panic...

    The memory whip-lash is still with me to this day, almost a year later...

    Thanks for asking questions, you two... so few people ask questions...
    :laugh:

    As for a Psychologist, I just can't. I've had to go to the hospital for two things in my life, both times I was told that I was dying, eventually turning out to be misdiagnosed measles and then glandular fever... I trust doctors about as much as I trust slot machines with my change...

    -John- :badger:
     
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