Almost time to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Dec 30, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I've waited long enough and now its almost time. I've been going to a counselor for a while but now its time to end the sessions. Today I can finally tell someone how I feel and that means that I will carry through with my death.

    There were only two people who I've wanted to see ever. They are now afraid of me. They are afraid of me when I kiss them even though I kissed them all they're lives. They shiver when I touch them even though I've played with them they're whole lives. I feel like an abuser to them though I've never hurt them. All I wanted was to spend as much time with them so I can remember them before I die. But now I'm a threat to them.

    If I have become a threat then its time to go. This may be my last week alive.
     
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Who are the two people and why are they afraid of you? What is so bad that you feel this way?
     
  3. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Those two people are my cousins. I've always liked seeing them because they were always happy to see me which is a great feeling. But now that they are older they treat me differently. I feel like I hurt them somehow. I can't even hug them or kiss them on the cheek anymore. They must think that I'm some kind of predator since I've never had a girlfriend but I've never had one because I've always wanted to kill myself. Now I'm tired of fighting this suicidal feeling.
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Can you tell me how old they are? This doesn't sound like they're frightened of you. It sounds like they're teenagers. Teenagers are notorious for suddenly backing off from hugs and kisses and other forms of affection.
    Plus you don't know what they're thinking so there's no point in speculating that they think you're a predator.
    How long have you been depressed?
     
  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    They are teenagers but they told their parents that I tried to kiss them. That is what makes me think that they no longer trust me. And I've been depressed for almost a decade now. I feel that I've done enough in this world and its ok to leave now.
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why not just hug them.. Forget the kisses.. While your at it hug there parents too.. This will show them you aren't a predator..Feeling suicidal over this is not the answer.. Maybe you need a therapist..They really do help..
     
  7. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Pioneer - Remember how the media says PREDATOR! in huge letters every single day. Children's minds aren't as advanced as adults and they can't wrap their mind as easily around different forms of affection that are totally nonsexual and they are likely to take things out of context. It's not a statement of your motives or a statement of their intelligence, it's just that children often can't understand things going on around them when they are being told from every direction that someone is out to kill or violate them.

    Consider speaking to their parents about this so they will understand what is going on. The parents can advise you and they can speak to the children too. Please don't let this be the thing that takes your life; it can be resolved. It's all a matter of misunderstandings, I think. And if you feel there may be some sort of subconcious urge that makes you want to be physically close to them in a way that isn't platonic or healthy, you can get counseling for such a thing. I'm not at all saying that's what it is, just presenting that.

    Also remember that intense depression can skew your visions of what is going on. I know that, personally, I overreact to tiny stimuli - a weird look, an odd tone of voice, and I see things in that tiny gesture that aren't really there. I think they mean something that they don't. Perhaps the kids are just growing up. Teenagers are going through tons of hormonal changes and things totally change simply because of that. They may not want kiddie kisses anymore, I know I wouldn't as I was becoming a teenager!

    None of these things make you a bad person. Talk therapy could really help, and we are also here to listen to you and to try and advise you. Please continue posting here, and feel free to PM me for any reason. <3
     
  8. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    The way they feel about me will not be the trigger. It will be the conversation that I will have with my uncle. I will finally tell someone how I feel and that will be my end. I kinda feel glad that they told so that I may get this out of my system finally. I feel that I may kill myself after talking to him because then I would put it all out and let them know that I didn't want life.
     
  9. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Do you think your uncle would want you to get help? I am sure your family doesn't want you to leave, they have known and loved you for so long.
     
  10. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I've tried to get help for so long. I've been going to counseling for years now and I'm just tired of fighting. As for my uncle, he just wants to come by and talk to me about those kids. If it weren't him then I'd be with my aunt now. Its just that as the new year approaches I felt that I didn't want to go through another year.
     
  11. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    The only way I guarantee you will lose this battle is by giving up.

    But if you continue to fight, we're all here to stand by you and do our very best to help. None of us here are perfect, but we all want the best for you and we want you to stay in this beautiful, hurtful, frightening, fascinating, imperfect, but WONDERFUL world. Please try to talk to him and give him a chance, and try a different counselor. There is bound to be something out there that can help you, but you must take the first step - choose to keep fighting.
     
  12. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I think I'm in serious trouble now. I spoke with my uncle and he said just don't do that with them because they may take it the wrong way. But I've been seriously suicidal for almost 3 days now. I almost seriously hurt myself last night and I may actually do it tonight. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been feeling guilty about what I did to them and been sleeping for hours and hours. I feel like I'm gonna carve my chest open tonight, like I'm gonna be covered in blood tonight. I want to tell my uncle how I feel but I'm terrified now. It feels like my life is ending.
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you did nothing wrong okay teenagers just do not want that kind of affection That age they want to be cool want to be seperated from the family really see themselves differently now. If therapy is not working perhaps look at getting a new therapist A new approach to help you deal with these emotions you are having. Your family care for you and if you took your life your cousins would be left with that guilt and pain that they did this to you. Please consider getting another therapist maybe new meds to help take the sadness away. You are a good person please dont do anything to harm you or to bring pain to your family Call crisis line if need be or go to hospital but stay safe.
     
  14. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I need a break. Everything feels amplified. School starts on Monday, it will be a very difficult quarter, I've got research to do and more languages to learn. I've been doing this for 6 years and its all building up. Its like there are multiple voices talking to me in my head. One is telling me to kill myself before I hurt someone. Another is telling me to just live day by day because I didn't hurt anyone. A third is saying that life won't get any better so end it now. And a fourth is saying that if I get help now then they'll pull my out of school and I'll be late graduating or I won't graduate at all. I've been trying to clear my head up all day but then when its clear I'm overwhelmed with guilt.
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OH i have that going on all the time too. I think your idea of taking one day at a time is a good one. I take one hour at a time so i don't feel overwhelmed I think it is great you will be graduating soon wow good for you. Just keep talking okay to the support you have You know you are a good person so just move forward now slowly but trust yourself to be strong to do what is right for you and for everyone. You can do this okay one hour time. For now can you just relax for 10 minutes just breath have a warm cup of tea do something nice just for you. This will help you get focused okay to who is important YOU take care.
     
  16. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I am terrified to talk to anyone in my family. They all think of my as a godsend because I'm not like the alot of my cousins and siblings and I achieved something in life. I already have my BS in engineering and am working on another degree. I feel that if I told them how I feel then they would think that I am weak or they would turn away from me. I think that I should go to the hospital because I might actually hurt myself tonight. I almost did last night and I don't know how I'm still here.
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The you call crisis team now and talk to them or go to hospital they may just give you a medication to help relax you YOU do what is necessary to protect you to keep you safe okay YOur school you can call and talk with the professors and get things arranged they will help you if they know you are not well Most important thing now is to get you stable so call for help hugs
     
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Tell those voices in your head to shut up and leave you alone Pioneer. If they are telling you to harm yourself or others, then they are harmful voices. Please don't harm yourself. I have my BSc as well, and I know how stressful getting a science degree can be. I'm sure glad those days are over. Take care. :hug:
     
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    in one of the other threads on SF you self identify as a pedophile. if that's the case you have no business hugging or kissing your cousins, or any other child for that matter. i'm glad they told your uncle that this made them uncomfortable. you may not be abusing them, by your definition, but they are picking up a vibe from you. if you feel therapy isn't working get a better therapist, one who specializes in treating pedophiles. time to take this seriously.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.