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Almost too much to bear / Sorry...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ZasuArt, Jan 11, 2012.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow evening at 7pm, at my instruction the vet will come to the house to end my 15 y/o mutt-child's life. The logical part of me knows that he is suffering, and that this is the kindest gift I can give Butchie at this stage. But grief grabs my heart with dagger-like claws and shouts, "You are murdering your baby! He trusts and depends on you to make it better! How could you give up on him?!". And honestly, the fact that most people think I'm out of my mind for feeling this way about "a dog" makes me feel even worse. I almost feel like because I have stupidly ascribed a very human parental connection to my dogs, I deserve this pain. I want to believe that I can survive this and be there for Honey and Jack after Butchie is gone, but the pain is almost too much to bear. A big part of me wishes that it was ME receiving those injections tomorrow, and Butchie would join Jack and Honey in mourning, but alive and in relatively good physical health. I've had to make this decision for "pets" in the past, but this is so much harder than it has ever been. Right or wrong, Butch and Jack aren't "pets", they are my children. Aside from my partner, I couldn't possibly love any living being more than I love them. How am I going to get through this, and be here for Honey and Jack?

    To make matters worse, I feel completely disgusted with myself for being so emotionally unavailable for everyone else right now. Most of my friends and family IRL have given up on me. Though, to be fair to myself, most of them have always been "fair-weather friends". They will probably be back when I can once again shove down my own pain and make it all about them again. I used to take so much comfort in reading and responding to posts by other SFers who were struggling. Even at my lowest point, feeling like I was making a difference in the life of someone who was also struggling was a welcome diversion. But right now, I feel like I have nothing to give. And I'm afraid that my recent, selfish lack of participation is causing those here who do care to give up on me. I try to read several posts a day. And it breaks my heart, but right now, when I try to offer caring and support, it just seems empty and unconvincing. And my wit has completely flown the coop. I can't laugh or smile. I take pleasure in nothing except those fleeting moments where Butchie seems relatively happy and comfortable, and even then it just makes me more conflicted about the decision to end his suffering.

    Friends, please just know that I'm doing the best I can right now. I haven't forgotten about any of you, especially those who I would ordinarily interact with daily. I care so much. I'm just consumed by grief right now. I'll continue to *try* to check in as much as I can.

    Sending love, hugs and friendship. :grouphug:
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Tam, it is your turn now...you have given so much and have been so insightful for others, that it is time that you received the support and caring you have given...I, for one, will not give up on you...you cannot get rid of Brooklyn that easily...and know, that I fully understand how you feel about your canine child...I had to put two of my feline kids to sleep over the past few yrs and it still hurts...anyone who does not understand that has not had the pleasure of this type of love...please keep in touch and do not isolate yourself because you need support right now...much caring
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Nope, no giving up going on over here either. I do understand your feelings and I am sorry.

    Am here :arms:
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I don't think I can give up on you, either. :hug: It is very hard to let go of our animal babies as they are truly members of our family. Please know that I (and many others here) am thinking of you as you go through this. :arms:
  5. shub11

    shub11 Banned Member

    @Zasu i almost cried when I read your post... You must have replied to my threads countless times ...sometimes you were the only one to reply ...

    I wish that this period of sadness and grief passes quickly , and may tommorrow be much better then present . Let me thank you for whatever you did at SF , and no matter what you do from now (I firmly believe you will continue solving the problems at SF) I will never give up on you .
  6. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so, so much, ((((Sadeyes, Mo, Acy and Shub))))... Your friendship and caring concern means so much to me, and definitely helps me feel a bit better about being selfish right now. Thanks for not giving up on me. I'll check in as often as I can. Sending love, hugs and friendship...T

    PS: I just had a really nice cuddle with Butchie, who was extra, extra lovey. Pretty sure he was trying to pass on his own gratitude to you all for helping Mama get through this. :hug:
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Zasu :hug: I am so so sorry for your pain and you absolutely must not feel bad for leaning on us - you help so often and so well... it is now our turn to wrap you in SF warmth and try to find a way to help you through this horrendous time.
    I am sending you all love and good wishes and hope that you know that any time you need that little extra to keep you standing you can PM me anytime.
  8. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, ((((Freya))))... That means so much to me, Sweetie. Love, Hugs and Friendship...T :hug:
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Tam,

    Always, the gentle kindness you pass on to our community is delightful....I feel touched whenever I read your posts. Most importantly, as is evident in the above responses, you mean a lot to us....I am so sorry Butchie is at this stage, and I offer you much caring, appreciation and support. :hug:

  10. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((((Alex))))... As always, thanks for your kindness and support. It's so much harder than I thought it would be, but it helps so much to feel so much love from dear friends like all of you. Thanks again, Sweetie... hugs and friendship...T :hug:
  11. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    T -
    I can't add anything to what's already been expressed. You're a special part of this forum, I'm sorry that this pain exists, but please known that I am also here for you.
    with hugs and friendship
  12. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Adding some more virtual hugs and comforting thoughts for you today.
  14. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    (((((Lefty, Stewart & Mo))))) It's an impossible day, but your care and concern makes such a beautiful difference. Thank you all so much! :grouphug:
  15. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    The vet had to reschedule because of the blizzard (she's driving from Lake Geneva, WI, about 70-ish miles away). She's now coming Saturday @ 3pm. It's gut wrenching to be so close to the end of this awful countdown, only to have the clock start all over again. I'm a complete mess. A very selfish part of me is glad that he is still with us until Saturday. But last night was my boy's worst night yet. It's heartbreaking to see this boy who used to LIVE for snow, TERRIFIED to step out onto the porch because he knows the snow is going to make it even harder to move. Walking through snow is like walking through wet concrete for him right now. And everything is cold and slippery... not a good combination. I shoveled out an area for him last night, but the snow just drifted right back over it. I'm going to figure out a better way today so that he can make it to Saturday without losing his last shred of dignity. Any lingering doubts that I had about this being the right time to let him go have disappeared, so maybe I needed this to happen. Honey took today off, and since we all slept on the floor downstairs to be close to Butchie, I won't have much time here. But since you've all been so caring and supportive, I wanted to make sure you were all aware of what was going on. We're going to make the most of this "bonus time" to just shower him with even more love. Thanks everyone for your kind regards, I'll hold them close for Saturday.
  16. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that this ordeal has been extended. I can't imagine it. Please know that I'm glad you're here, and you have the thoughts and hopes of many for you. Thank you for letting us know even through your pain. With hugs and friendship.
  17. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    He's gone... the pain is unbearable. I can't stop crying.

    He went very peacefully in a shower of kisses and enveloped in love, surrounded by the 3 beings that love him most. We made his last days as wonderful as possible. Those last 3 nights, we all slept in a communal pile of cushions on the living room floor. Honey brought home these grotesque bones with freeze dried bits of meat still clinging to them (despite this veggie mom's squeamishness, both boys couldn't get enough), and there were plenty of his favorite, pig ears (so gross, even Jack Bean won't touch them, but they were heaven to my Big Bear). Yesterday, Honey broiled up a big steak for him and I made some obscenely cheesy potatos. He loved it so much, he made little "yummy noises" (and Jack was also very grateful). And just before the vet showed up, we took him out one last time. And even though he could barely walk through the snow, he impulsively trudged around to the front of the house so that he could "say goodbye" to the river that he loved so much. We put him up on the daybed that he used to love to sleep on before he lost his mobility, so that he could see not only all of us, but the river (once again) as he drifted off. It was crushingly difficult, but perfect in it's own way.

    For the 12 years that we've been a family, it's always been the 4 of us. I have no idea how we're going to get through this. Honey is worried that I'm crying too much. I told her flat out that we all need to let each other grieve in our own way. We all find ourselves wandering around the house looking for him. Every time I get a cookie out of the jar for Jack, I habitually pull out two, then remember that there is now only one beautifully greying, whiskered mouth waiting for me. We got his pawprint in a bit of cork clay and clipped some silky hair from our 2 favorite places to nuzzle before she took him away. She said his ashes should be returned within the next week or 2. I keep a candle lit by his photo, and am starting to put together a little "shrine", to keep my promise to always have a place here in our home and family just for him. This morning Jack and I curled up on his favorite bed and cried together. I miss him so much more than I imagined.

    I probably won't be on much today, but thank you all so much for your love and support. It means the world to me. xx...T
  18. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    :hug:sorry for your loss tam:hug:
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I am so sorry, my heart aches for you.

  20. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    T -
    Please accept my condolences. I think you've gone from one sort of pain to another different pain. They both can be excruciating. And you are right, grieving is such a personal journey. There are books upon books upon cliches. Please rest, and eat (it may be hard) but you need all your resources to stand against this strike to your psyche.

    You are part of a caring community, and we will do all we can for you. We will hold you (in a virtual way) as you weep, we will listen as you tell us more about Butchie. About the only thing we can't do is bring a casserole over to the house.

    Grieve as you need to, we'll be here. Bless your family, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers for days to come. Take care, my friend, and know that many hugs are being sent your way.

    With hugs and friendship,
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