Almost too much

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by beatdown, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Felt like writing some. Im in an inner pain thats nearly to much and today i nearly made an attempt. I called a suicide help line instead and broke down. My mental pain is so painful i can't go on much longer. Im so anxious about my future. I cant see it can be anything but pain. I think i can never be a functional adult in a most basic way. Im terrified i was born with impaired IQ necessary for that or that im on the spectrum for autism. I can only see a future of poverty and being reliant on my mother, who is the person who caused the most suffering for me. Im also sure ive got hypothyroid disease, which might be a contributor to my deep brain fog which ive had for 10 years now, along with irritated eye sockets, tiredness and rashes. My grandma have it too and had surgery.

    My brain fog is so bad its hard to form sentences when talking or focus on anything and i feel extremely dumb. Even if id feel less mental pain a life in this fog terrifies me.

    All my life ive been abused. My father, who died when i was 11, never said a positive thing to me and often raged at me or gave me the silent treatment. It seems he saw me as a possession and that i had to seem impressive.
    My parents argued alot and split. My mother i realise was very controlling. All my opinions she argued against, if i felt a little bit cool, like a time when i had a pair of jeans i loved, she raged. Also if I wanted to impress a girl i liked, like when skiing. It seems anything about me becoming my own person, making decisions, trusting my opinions on anything made her rage somehow.
    I recently found the term infantilizion and it applies to me. She wanted me and my sister to sleep in her bed, she treated us like babys and played along when we pretended to be sick for attention.

    This is were the most sad part comes in and the thing that i cant get past. She insisted well into my puberty to help me wash myself. When i began to feel i should cover my privates she raged and said i hurted her feelings.
    She often massaged me and began doing it inappropriatly. I complained but she didnt stop. It was then i understood how she saw me and my feeling of any security or that anything made sense was gone forever. I was shocked. I saw her doing things like peeking beneath my bathrobe when sitting and found photos taken secretly of me. I could barely speak to her and certainly not look in her eye. I think she must've talked to her friends how evil a kid i was as everyone was awkward to me.
    Another thing i think have had a big impact is that i was ignored and had no one to teach me anything about life in society. My mother spent all on my sister who recovered from anorexia and social phobias. I had massive anxiety problems since childhood and grew more scared of anything about living on my own.

    At 26 when i realise fully how emotionally stunted i am this fear has never been stronger or made me feel more pathetic and broken.

    Every day i think of suicide. Im stuck with my mother who just wont stop dishing out the abuse. Shes still the same, attacks any opinion i have, must know about my personal life, gaslights, make rules i must follow then change them to accuse me of being a screw up. She refuse to aknowledge any problems with me and either rage or sob if the slightest critisized.

    I can maybe try a little more. Im going to the hospital and try and find help. I think i have hypothyroid disease so thats another thing aside my mental suffering. Im so tired and cant try much longer.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You live with and are reliant, to a certain point, on a very cruel person, namely your mother. You really need to break the cycle and I dont know how difficult it is going to be for you to do that. You need to remove her influence on your life and you can only manage to do that by becoming independent which means you probably need a job and a place of your own.

    After the way you have been treated you are probably traumatised and that wont fix itself. You do need help to move on with your life and become the person you want to be. You can do it but it sure as hell wont be easy. Medication will help stabilise the emotions and mood and thoughts, but if theres more, you need diagnosis which means a doctor needs to see you. Then its therapy. You need to be determined to do it and not let anyone stop you and by the sounds of it, your mother will do all she can to prevent you becoming who you were born to be. But I also bet you, I am not the only one around here who has faith in you and believes that you can do it.
  3. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Thank you
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are most welcome, but you dont need to thank me, you need to come up with some thoughts and ideas about how you can achieve your goals.