Almost went through with it tonight.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by none123, Jul 30, 2011.

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  1. none123

    none123 Member

    After a really horrible day at work and my wife tonight saying she wishes she could divorce me (among other things) and that our lives are never going to get better (coming up with plans to try to improve my life has been one of the things that has sustained me) I almost went through with it. Why can't I just get it over with and quit going through all the pain. Everything lined up perfect finally to do it. I recently moved into the spare room since my wife's snoring is getting worse and worse, and I moved my suicide kit into that room, and had such a horrible day and after that my wife went to bed and was still mad enough I was confident I could do it. But I didn't pass out as fast as I expected and a flood of thoughts entered it. Thoughts of not seeing my son grow up, and how much I'll miss him even though I won't actually exist anymore, I couldn't shake that feeling. My son is the biggest reason I haven't done it already. And also thoughts of forever having no conciseness and not seeing the aftermath. So I chickened out. I was probably a few seconds away from blacking out and it would be over. Now I got to wake up to my wife bitching at me, then the next day go and pretend to believe in fairy tales at church, then the next stay start my same crappy work week all over, being yelled at by customer's all day, and tons of pressure to perform or lose my job. The problem with my wife is I just am not physically attracted to her anymore. And the things that would help me be attracted, the kind of person she is, if I mentioned it to her, no matter how subtly and nice, she would rip my head off and make it 10x worse. She has really let herself go and I get grossed out and can't keep an erection, so we haven't had sex for a long time and that pisses her off. Plus I'm always depressed and stressed I think leads to it. Maybe I should go try again. Or maybe should wait and see if she really divorces me. If she does and can't see my son every day, I'm sure it would be easy then.

    edit- I've tried talking to her calmly in the past about my suicidal tendencies, and she just got pissed and called me names and saying how selfish I was being. A lot of help. So that is off the table. Just made thinks worse, I'm sure she would be fine after the initial shock if I went through with it.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry things were so is painful to be alone while being with another...your wife does not seem to have much compassion (maybe right now; or maybe not in her fabric) so possibly finding another confidant would be glad you are with your old is he? Also, if you and your wife do not live together, that does not mean you will not see him...please make sure you always have that...again, sorry the day was so rough but so glad you posted...J
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hey none123,

    Oh my.. like Sadeyes said, extremely rough day indeed. :( Where do I begin?

    Well, first of all, if you're not attracted to her anymore, and she treats you like dirt on top of not being the kind of person (personality and character wise) you want to spend the rest of your life with, maybe divorce would do you a lot of good. :hugtackles:

    I'm not sure how you two will share custody of your son, but how she's treating you (the yelling, not taking your suicidal thoughts seriously, etc.) is definitely not helping your health at all. Plus, she is threatening to divorce you, so where's the love either way?

    On a different note, I like how you want to see your son grow up and want the best for him. :thumbup:

    Best wishes,

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    To start with , no more suicide attempts.. She can use that against you in court.. Secondly You need to leave her for your peace of mind.. You can file for joint custody of your son.. Theres no reason for her to be yelling at you all the time..You really need to get out of that atmosphere..Things will pick up for you once you have a clear head..As far as you not being to get an erection, you can talk to your doctor about viagra.. Theres no shame in it..Alot of men go thru it the older they get..Take Care!!
  5. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    think more about your son, i did want to make a lot of memories with my father but i couldn't, so will your son, how do you think he will feel at his first game (in whatever sport) and you're not there, he is what is keeping you alive, so hang on for him

    your life is rough but love is not physical only, open yourself with your wife, tell her you're feeling down, she's your wife afterall

    anyway life isn't easy even for those who seem to be very happy, there will always be hardships for everyone, i once heard someone say that life is just like the Himalaia, whenever you climb a high montain there's always another another montain even higher and harder for you to climb it, so no matter how hard it is no matter how down you're feeling just renember of your son, he's "a life worth of reasons to keep living"
  6. none123

    none123 Member

    Thanks for the reply's. My son is 20 months.

    I woke up really stressed about going to back to work, and called in sick. Which makes me more stressed because if I call in again in the next couple weeks I'll be fired because of the attendance policies. I have a really hard time sometimes thinking about the future when I make some poor decisions.
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I've had days like that, except I skipped classes in community college and not work days (also because of stress and just not feeling good about myself or life in general). I see where you're coming from, and I only wish your workplace's attendance policies were a bit more flexible/lenient. :hugtackles:
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You got to keep civil with the ex wife - and she has to be an ex wife! Manoeuvre out of that but keep her sweet as you can.

    You need visitation rights for the son.

    Even if worse come to worse - and she kept you away - that child will want to know you one day.

    If you have no romantic inclinations towards her and find her unattractive - do not mention how she looks - just say its you - tell her meds mean you cannot perform. Which is not that much of a lie with some of them.

    Damage limitation time.

  9. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    The one thing I know, but also have a hard time applying to my own life, is that we have to be okay with who we are and want to live for ourselves. To want to live only because of the hurt or pain that others will feel is not truly living. Hang in there. And ditch the suicide kit right away.
  10. D-503

    D-503 Member

    I would say, if you have a son, make everything about him. Just say eff you to all those depressing thoughts, you have the opportunity to do something really wonderful, to raise a great kid.

    My parents separated when I was about 7, and, though perhaps I'm just odd, I don't think it affected me at all. I knew my parents hated each other, they were both a lot happier when they were apart, I never saw any problem with it. Those people who believe you need to stay together for your kid don't know what they're talking about.

    But just think, your son will live to be an old man, you will have decades and decades to spend with him. It's not just the stuff you'd miss out now, all the baby things and school years, it's going to the bar with him when he's a man, seeing him get married, seeing him become a Dad, all those things. Stick it out for him. :)
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