almost...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ready, Jul 6, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ready

    ready Member

    i've been planning my suicide for weeks now. i fantasize about it regularly. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how sad it will make everyone who loves me. i care about them a lot but my depression is getting the best of me.

    i look at the world around me and i don't want to be a part of it. i don't want to slave for another for a little money. i don't want to drive my car and contribute to the oil industry. i don't want to eat and contribute to the oil industry. i don't want to keep feeding the machine we call capitalism. i'm tired of being a slave to it.

    i've never gone to church or believed in religion because of my upbringing and, more so nowadays, because of the messed up priests diddling boys and girls. i don't believe it's a nobel organization because of the wealth it generates. i've travelled and seen sex tourism in asian where religious men exploit children and poor women. i've read about the conquistadors who raped and murdered entire civlizations in the name of god. i've read about the crusades. i watch israel cry about nazi's then bomb their neighbors years later. i see rich people flaunt their wealth in our faces daily and go to church on sunday. they hate gays and say it's not godly yet supposedly god loves all. they believe in a bible, torah, koran, all written by man to subjugate man. i'll die and there will not be any heaven or hell because i'm already living in both.

    it makes me sick. i don't want to be a part of this anymore. i feel i've learned too much about the world and i'm too powerless to change it. yes i can make a difference if i try but i'd rather take myself out of the picture.

    i figure the best way to go is to try and explain my feelings in a will. i would go somewhere i won't be discovered until i'm dead because i'd hate to be rescued. i'd probably make two small cuts on the outside of my wrist where the artery pulses and wait till i pass out...

    i probably won't kill myself, i'm too chicken. maybe i just want to vent. then again, i'm about to start a job i know is contributing to giving people cancer. i think my girlfriend finally knows how depressed i am after last night... i hope she doesn't leave me, i've been trying to hide it from her for months now. i'm not sure i could survive without her.

    i hate this world and i don't know how people can live knowing just a little of what goes on around them...

    i guess i'm posting this to see how other people do it. i mean go on living. i've chosen life before, but i'm almost ready to choose death.
     
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way. I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. I know its difficult to live in a world with so many problems,but dont forget the good. Happy children,true charities,kindness, sacrifices people make for each other.Flowers and little animals and your family and friends. Yes,there are problems,but some good always comes from them. And we always neglect the good to see the bad. Look at the TV News or news papers.Always bad. But there is greater good. We could blow up the world but we dont. because the good is stronger. Life is a battle between good and bad and that battle goes on in our own souls. But we have to fight and we can WIN. I think we are all here to add to the good and fight the bad. The world needs us.

    There was a story I used to like about a man who goes to heaven and he sees the Creator and he says,"There is so much trouble on earth,fires and wars and natural catastrophies and hate and pain and cruelty and pollution and greed! Why didn't you send help?". And the Creator said,"I did send help. I sent you.".

    We are here to help. Obviously no one of us can do it all,but we should do our part. You and I can change some of it. I believe we can. Even if it seems little its important.If we give up the bad guys win. ALL the ones you mentioned win if we give up. There will be more pain,more suffering if we quit.

    Williams James put it this way:

    "For my own part, I do not know what the sweat and blood and tragedy of this life mean, if they mean anything short of this. If this life be not a real fight, in which something is eternally gained for the universe by success, it is no better than a game of private theatricals from which one may withdraw at will. But it feels like a real fight,—as if there were something really wild in the universe which we, with all our idealities and faithfulnesses, are needed to redeem; and first of all to redeem our own hearts ...."
    So dont give up on the world.THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

    We are here for you and want to help.PLEASE let us. We will give you love and care and hope. YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT! STAY HERE WITH US.PLEASE!!!!


    Write if you want,

    Marty
     
  3. ready

    ready Member

    thankx man. i appreciate your positivity. there's no place i feel safe venting this kind of stuff.

    i know what u are saying about the good, and i do see it. i dont see the world as black and white, good and bad, etc. i am good and i have been the bad. the whole fighting thing bugs me. i just dont want to fight. i am a person of peace and i feel my peace is in death...

    sorry for my cynical nature but it's so easy for me right now. i dont believe in winning and losing. life is not war to me. we are better than that. animals win and lose. did anyone win WW2? all the games we win and lose are trivial. life is not a baseball game.

    if i quit, i don't suffer but other's do. i know. so by that logic, i suffer so others don't... which kinda makes me like jesus eh? lol however i see the world as also suffering a little less without me! less garbage produced, less pollution creates, less animals and plants die.

    so the world doesn't need me, it could do without at this point. it's all the other people around me that need me, including the ones i have yet to meet. all i have is the hope that things will get better, not for me but for humanity. maybe i'll help that? all i have is a hope, which is dim to me at this time...

    thankx for listening to my crap marty. have a good night
     
  4. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Im happy to post. I dont mean fight like winning and losing in a game. I mean keeping the bad down or defeating at all together. Did anyone win WW2? Yes, a HUGE force of evil was stopped. THAT is a victory. Can you imagine a world run by NAZI's? There was something won there. It didnt stamp out evil everywhere forever. But there was a victory and an important one.

    As far as polution and garbage etc. Maybe you'll solve those problems or havea child that will or help the one who will. I want you here.Im not worried as much about the resources you use becasue that can be fixed but we'll never have another you.

    You are loved and cared for here. STAY and we will all benefit:)
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi ready. I agree that the world has its share of mean, arrogant, violent, sexually abusive monsters who make the world a scary place to live in, but there are also many, many kind caring individuals who make the world a better place to live in. The key is not letting the negativity in the world make you depressed. I know that this may seem difficult at first, but you can certainly accomplish this.

    If you let the problems of the world make you depressed, then the monsters and rapists have won. Don't let them win. Show the monsters that you're better than them, by helping to make the world a better place to live in. I'm not advocating vigilante actions against them. Help those who are suffering to get better and regain the value of life. That's why I'm here. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Ready,

    You seem to be having a tough day. I saw your other posts. I'm praying for you. PLEASE remember you can PM me.
     
  7. ready

    ready Member

    it's been tough lately. i am living with the consequences of being lazy and apathetic. money is my issue driving my depression at this time. i'm susceptible to depression and at different times, for different reasons i become depressed.

    if it helps anyone here are the main reasons i become depressed.

    lately it's worrying about money. i don't like asking for help because of my independence. but lately i've dug myself a hole and now i'm going deeper into debt. i should have tried looking for work months before i actually started. now i'm struggling to pay bills and i may have to start being late on payments which i'm totally ashamed of.

    i also beat myself up mentally. i'm really hard on myself. i use to practice forgiving myself out loud. i havn't lately, but i think i'll start my exercises tonight.

    i am ashamed of some of my mistakes, even the ones nobody noticed. i'm not religious but i do believe in something that knows what i'm thinking and what i've done. i see why it's beneficial to believe in god... maybe my life is being recorded by some higher power for review upon death? maybe it's just nothing after death? but i am self aware and conscious of my intentions and i hope that "god" (just to make it easy) knows my intentions, for the most part, are good. yeah it's hard to believe that after daydreaming about bleeding to death time and time again...

    and of course world issues. the future looks bleak for earth. i cringe when i think about how we live. i rage when i think about how helpless we are to change it. sometimes i wist i was a dictator because i'd tell everyone to go tribal and shut down production for 5 years to clean up the planet. my friend once told me the best form of government is a "benevolent dictatorship."

    i find keeping busy, working, being responsible, being care-free, not over-thinking problems, forgiving myself help me cope with life. i also have a gut feeling that something big/global/revolutionary is going to happen over the next 5-10 years.

    for better or for worse, i should stick around to witness it! i'll try to stay here with everyone, even though there is a part of me who wants to quit life...

    thankx marty and dave for caring
     
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi ready. I also find that keeping myself busy, working and being responsible are great ways to live a productive life. You also have to forgive yourself when you make mistakes, because we are human and humans are bound to make mistakes, by our very nature. We are not Gods and we are not perfect beings. I also think that our planet is in for some major transformation and we are currently in a period of transition. It will be interesting to see what will happen.
     
  9. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    This is a sign those men are not real men of Yahweh and any congregation that rebels to the word in anyway, and accepts things that are against the word are false lights and teachers. They are warned about in the bible. Everything today is warned about in the bible, but the bible shows us that there is hope and guides us to it. Do not blame Yahweh for these imposters that do things in the name of G-d. Yahweh's name is not G-d, but there is a being who has gone by the name Gad which is pronouced God. It is the enemy. If you want out of this word you can do it without destroying yourself, and you can do it in a way to where you will have the power to help do something about these crimesbeing done against all of the innocent. Do not give up. My hate for what is being done drives me with determination to do what is right. My love for Yahweh and his truths drive me to study and do as he truly commands. After reading the WHOLE bible for yourself wit his guidance you will be enlightened on what these things are, and his perfect will and how you are meant to be a part of it. HalleluYAH! Blessings..
     
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I do care. Im praying for you. You sound like a spritual person.Maybe you should start a search to see if you can find faith? Start wherever you feel an interest and keep searching. It will find you on that path. You are always welcome to write me. Im in your corner. We are all here for you!!!!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.