i've been planning my suicide for weeks now. i fantasize about it regularly. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how sad it will make everyone who loves me. i care about them a lot but my depression is getting the best of me. i look at the world around me and i don't want to be a part of it. i don't want to slave for another for a little money. i don't want to drive my car and contribute to the oil industry. i don't want to eat and contribute to the oil industry. i don't want to keep feeding the machine we call capitalism. i'm tired of being a slave to it. i've never gone to church or believed in religion because of my upbringing and, more so nowadays, because of the messed up priests diddling boys and girls. i don't believe it's a nobel organization because of the wealth it generates. i've travelled and seen sex tourism in asian where religious men exploit children and poor women. i've read about the conquistadors who raped and murdered entire civlizations in the name of god. i've read about the crusades. i watch israel cry about nazi's then bomb their neighbors years later. i see rich people flaunt their wealth in our faces daily and go to church on sunday. they hate gays and say it's not godly yet supposedly god loves all. they believe in a bible, torah, koran, all written by man to subjugate man. i'll die and there will not be any heaven or hell because i'm already living in both. it makes me sick. i don't want to be a part of this anymore. i feel i've learned too much about the world and i'm too powerless to change it. yes i can make a difference if i try but i'd rather take myself out of the picture. i figure the best way to go is to try and explain my feelings in a will. i would go somewhere i won't be discovered until i'm dead because i'd hate to be rescued. i'd probably make two small cuts on the outside of my wrist where the artery pulses and wait till i pass out... i probably won't kill myself, i'm too chicken. maybe i just want to vent. then again, i'm about to start a job i know is contributing to giving people cancer. i think my girlfriend finally knows how depressed i am after last night... i hope she doesn't leave me, i've been trying to hide it from her for months now. i'm not sure i could survive without her. i hate this world and i don't know how people can live knowing just a little of what goes on around them... i guess i'm posting this to see how other people do it. i mean go on living. i've chosen life before, but i'm almost ready to choose death.